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the great gay scapegoat (an epic rant)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by palimpsest, Oct 13, 2013.

  1. palimpsest

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    Hello EC community.

    First, be warned, this is absolutely going to turn into a rant. I've got to get some sh*t off of my chest so that I can go about the rest of my weekend. Like me, it will not be entirely linear.

    Second, it would have been more entertaining to write this a few hours ago when I was still hot and seething. But, I've cooled off and straightened out again.

    Third, I have no idea if this idea will gain traction, but should it, I am not looking for any encouragement here. Like I said, rant, hyperbole, 25 years of bottled emotions; and I'm split as to label my emotional state right now as volatile or bitchy, probably the latter. So, if anyone is inclined to respond, please do so in the form of a rant too.

    :tantrum: #1

    Yes, my wife is being cool with the whole new me phenomena. But so help me, if I have to listen to one more comment that begins, contains or ends with "if you were a real man," or, "if you were a real husband" you would...

    Holy f*ck! We've established that I'm gay, and you won't go there. You want us to be co-parents. You think our relationship has been about contending for the same position in the marriage. You say you've been waiting for me to be "the man," the head of house, etc. Listen to me, God himself couldn't tell you what to do without a fight! When will you realize that I don't fight with you because it is fruitless. How can you fight with someone who is always so f*cking perfect all of the time !?:bang:!

    News flash, our marriage has been going down hill for forever. You knew you needed a strong man, how could you not? Yet who pursued who in this relationship? :eusa_doh: And why in the hell didn't we both put two and two together to figure that one out since I told you I thought I might be gay before we even got hitched! :eusa_doh:

    Yet here I am, the great gay scapegoat. All of my, your and our shortcoming are nicely washed away in this. All that has been broken, damaged and not worked, well, hell what do you expect? How could it? Right.. just wash it all away with gay :eusa_danc

    Guess what, this passive guy who has been suing for peace for years is itching for a fight. And if you keep pushing like this, I swear, I'm going crack and give my middle finger to the whole world of straight and take a long, long trip to where people make more sense to me. Except that would crush our kids. So please, please, stop pushing. You want your life back. I've said yes. We will make this happen as fast as we can, but f*cking lay off!

    :tantrum:

    Trust me guys, it really is therapeutic. Thanks for your attention.
     
  2. palimpsest

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    :tantrum: #2

    Yes, I have come out of my other closet already, I am indeed a pastor. That said, except in my head and to myself, I have never, ever, preached an anti-gay anything in my life. And once out loud I said something stupid, to my cousin as he as coming out to me; but I know now that I wasn't talking to him, I was talking to myself. I regret that I didn't realize it then, because it hurt our relationship. Something I am sorry for.

    Granted, I have not always taken as strong of a stance as I have always wanted to, as I should have because, well, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Couldn't be definitive when I couldn't even admit to myself that I was gay.:help:

    So I was impotent. Wanting to invite, to love, to reconcile; but never knowing how because I didn't love myself enough to be who I am.

    As one who was bullied, I hate bullying. I hate bullies. I hate injustice and extraordinary hypocrisy. No wonder, at least in part on that last note, that I've hated myself so much. I've not stood up because it might what, blow my cover? Glad that one worked out so well.

    Now, I have on multiple occasions been known to get up in front of large gathering of conservative christians and tell them that their expectations needed to be examined. Always after garnishing stories about love, understanding, I would ask "so when's the last time you invited a gay couple over for dinner?" :eek: I always pushed, pushed as far as I dared. But I think, not far enough.

    Here's the thing, politics, control, interpretation and all of the other bullish*t culture that exists in the church, is just that. Bullish*t.

    I always called them house rules. God's house, sure, but really our house. Our rules. God doesn't chase anyone out, we do. We decide who gets to come in and who has to look in from the outside. But unfortunately, God always gets blamed. Collectively, it is the church who has had the timeless wisdom to find the great "sin" of an era and wage war on it. Well, the church wants to have exclusive rights to the rainbow again; and in the process it is making an egregious ass of itself.

    I want a divorce! I don't want custody of the buildings, the books or even the traditions. I just want my faith back. And I am so sick to death of people trying to assert control over another persons soul. Well guess what, I'm a better theologian than that; give it a little time, but the fight has just begun. Because if there is anything worse than a bully, it is an abusive bully.

    I can't be gay and a christian. How could I have even thought something that stupid? Much worse, how could I have been so afraid of what others thought? That others would find out? How could I have not used the voice that I've been given to fight a fight worth fighting?

    Here's a news flash, strictly speaking, everyone is a sinner. Here's another news flash, properly speaking christianity isn't about reforming sinners. Nor is it about morality. Its not about rules. Its about a relationship. About unconditional love that transcends death. Church, you are loosing people because you are treating them like sh*t in God's name. And laying your own sins on the great gay scapegoat isn't going to fix a damn thing.

    Let me tell you something, church, there is more to learn about unconditional love, acceptance, support and encouragement on EC alone (let alone the whole of the community where my heart truly belongs) than I've seen within a sanctuary ever. Wake up and take a lesson.

    So guess what, I'll take my faith back and hold it firmly in my hands and trust that God will not abandon me, even if there are other f*cktards who will.

    :tantrum:

    Keep in mind, this was a buckshot rant, aimed categorically. There are some good exceptions out there, people who actually care about people and not categories, labels, tags, trends, wars and the like. Congregations who get it, so if you are someone who wants to hold onto your faith, go find them.
     
  3. Lovetoski

    Lovetoski Guest

    Thank God!!! I am so happy to finally have someone else get pissed at their spouse. Seriously I am so fucking sick of my husband pouting around acting the victim. It has been five months since I told my husband that I am gay. I have not lied to him and have been trying to figure out the best way to get on with my life without totally screwing up our kids. He weeps and moans that he can't imagine not waking up with the kids, but then when he does ( I work nights) he a moody and short with them as they get ready for school and I have to come in for damage control. Yesterday I laid down for a few hours bc I had to work tonight and he was on his computer the whole time. He never even took them outside!!

    I won't even get into the fact that he does none of the daily tasks around the house-- I don't mean stereotypical gender associated tasks I mean NOTHING. I make more money. I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I cut the grass, clean the gutters, paint the trim. But I'm supposed to feel badly that I'm ruining our family. Does your wife quote negative statistics about children of divorce? Does she question you about your real beliefs bc how can I believe in God when this is the way I am choosing to be. I am so fucking over it. I want a divorce. I want my own home. I don't want to feel guilty or angry or anxious in my home. This has to happen soon bc I am starting to feel anger first -- and that is not good for anyone.
     
  4. palimpsest

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    :tantrum: #3

    And to myself. Just get over it, you know do know exactly what you want (*hug*) So stop whining, be fabulous, get out there and get some :kiss:

    Seriously, your 37, grow up already and have a little fun in life.

    Make some new friends, actually step into all of those bars you've been walking past for years. Yes, they are the right place for you to be. I give you permission. Get to work.

    It will be all right. It will get better, trust me, it will get better.

    :tantrum:

    And with that EC friends, I think I might just have some happy dreams tonight.
     
  5. Lovetoski

    Lovetoski Guest

    Ok palimpsest I re-read your posts...then read my posts.. And I sound like an idiot. Worse I sound like a spoiled brat. I am an Irish Catholic. I have always had a strong belief in God. I also have always been what most would consider a cafeteria Catholic. I pick and choose at will what rules to follow and which I find utter BS. I was never raised to be homophobic or anti gay. However, since becoming honest with myself I have felt real loss. My husband and my best friend have both-- for lack of a better word--threatened me with the prospect of hell bc of who I have finally admitted I am ( although they both see it as who I choose to be). It is reassuring to finally hear someone say that maybe, just maybe, I don't have to.

    ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 12:57 AM ----------

    Ugh. I sound like an idiot again-- maybe I don't have to choose between being who I am and belief in God.

    ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 12:58 AM ----------

    Ugh. I sound like an idiot again-- maybe I don't have to choose between being who I am and belief in God.
     
  6. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    P- Your 1,2,3 rant to quote Macklemore was "Fucking awesome!" (Yes I find "Thriftshop" quite therapeutic.)
     
  7. Choirboy

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    Kind of ironic that I am reading this quickly and sneakily as I get ready for my stint as cantor and organist for the 7:30 Mass and choir member for the 9:00.

    What I find so completely maddening is that I am so psychologically ready to live as a gay man, much more ready than the many people on EC who are flailing about because they think they "might" be gay. You bet I am. From my own perspective I don't give a shit who finds out. My parents are dead. My siblings either wouldn't care or wouldn't matter. My real friends are long gone, replaced by "our" friends who are really her friends. But I have built this family as the Great Wall around my gayness, and picked the most damaged and helpless person possible to serve as my partner, and now I feel like the only way I can escape is to come out, not as gay, but as a heartless asshole who is willing to turn someone who can't support herself--can't even throw away her on garbage, for God's sake!--out into the world.

    I have a major rant in me as well. No time now but it's in my head and itching to come out.
     
  8. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Lovestoski- (*hug*) Proud of you for being angry! Sometimes anger can be a catylist for change! I beat myself up w/guilt for too long but then realized it was a very crappy marriage anyway & he was a mega asshole. He may not have hit me but he stomped on my self-steem in so many ways & is a sucky father. He told me "Nothing I have done wrong in our marriage compares to you being GAY. None of it matters. "
    He wanted alimony & child support & the house... then he realized he was not getting those things decided he did not want joint custody either.
    What kind of man whines about less than $100 a week child support And asks if he can get it back after its registered as paid by the state?
     
    #8 Rose27, Oct 13, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2013
  9. greatwhale

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    :tantrum: #4

    Oh! The "if you were a real man" tripe, I've been with you on that one!

    Another favorite of my amanuensis-turned-harpie is the "deadbeat dad" label. She loves that one! I give her and the kids half of my after-tax dollars every month, paid on time, every time, this leaves me on about 11 dollars a day. Needless to say, without friends and family, I would be skipping lunch at work even more often.

    She actually quit her last job 5 years ago and is now earning 28% less than what she's earning now. She quit because she didn't get along with certain people (see a pattern here?).

    Her complaint is that, at my age I should be earning twice what I am (because, as you all know, in The Great Rule Book of Modern Life, it is written: when thou art in thy fifties, if thou art a "true man" thou shalt earn even more than thou art, even if thine current salary is in the 95th percentile of general earnings) - hence the "deadbeat" rap. That's it, I'm not working hard enough (what with raising the kids and being the general dishwasher, chauffeur, general handyman, waste disposer, cat-shit remover and every morning school lunch maker).

    Her laughable, pudgy, balding joke of a lawyer sent me an "offer" stating that she should be "compensated" (by raiding my pension fund even more than she already is) for her role in supporting me when I got my 2 degrees. It certainly wasn't financial support, and it certainly wasn't moral support either. I'm 8 years older than her, thus, theoretically 8 years closer to retirement than she is. If she re-marries (I pity the fool!), I don't get that money back, so she cleans up there too.

    Well it ain't gonna happen. My list of the crappy, bad-faith actions on her part are making her lawyer nervous...I don't blame him.

    ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 08:31 AM ----------

    Correction: she is earning 28% less than what she was earning at her last job 5 years ago...
     
  10. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Sounds to me like the perfect opportunity for a bit of turnabout... 5 years later, she should be earning (by my calculations & I am admittedly no #'s guru) 16% more than she was 5 years ago (and that only accts for a std annual 3% COLA - not merit increases at all, because it doesn't sound to me like she could warrant those) WHICH would mean that at her age she should be earning, what 44%?! more than she currently does.

    Then give her the raspberries! :slight_smile:
     
  11. greatwhale

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    This is so true! Thanks for that, it didn't even occur to me (I'm so used to her helpless act)!

    Thanks, this particular "raspberry" will be put to most excellent use!
     
  12. Choirboy

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    My "not a real man" complaints seem to center around all the handyman stuff that every man she knows can do better than I can. And it's not that I can't do it--there's just no point in starting a 4-hour project when I will be interrupted 20 times, supervised for at least half of it, and then be cut short because she needs an email sent for some fundraiser she is doing--or else she is crashed in the chair because she is "exhausted" so I have to make sure someone makes supper. And sex, of course--her best friend's husband wants it a couple times a day, so why don't I? Once, long before I came out to even myself, I snarled to her that if the day ever came when we were both in the mood, she was not sick or injured in some foolish way, like falling down the steps while reading the school's emergency doctor contact sheet, the girls were out of the house (because the bedroom door can't be closed as it is blocked by piles of old clothes that have not fit her since 2003), and she was not pissed at me about something, I wouldn't waste time on sex. I'd buy a fucking lottery ticket, because winning that was about as likely.

    Now the "real man" remarks are gone and have been replaced by "Yeah, you're gay all right". I admire a car that's painted teal and say I like the color. "Yeah, you're gay all right". I stop at 2 pieces of pizza because a) I'm full and b) I've lost 100 lbs. and 2 pieces of frozen pizza are not worth climbing back on the food truck for. "Yeah, you're gay all right."

    Off to a school competition that both girls are involved with, meaning that we will sit in a car for an hour each way together, and I will field more fun questions and accusations, because I am apparently fooling around with every gay man at work now. I wish.
     
  13. bassmaster

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    Palimpsest .... I love it, I love it, I love it!!!!!