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Noob.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BackgroundExtra, Oct 13, 2013.

  1. Hello Forum,

    My name is Mark. I am 29 years old, and I just began coming out a little over a month ago.

    I am now out to 3 people. They are 3 people that I met at a gay bar in my town. No one from my "real" life yet.

    The reason I chose the screenname is that I have always felt like a "background extra" in life. Well, until a month ago. At dances in high school and college, I would always sort of weave around the boy/girl couples who were dancing intimately. I felt unnoticed; almost like I didn't matter. I never even kissed anyone until age 24, and that was just a peck. (Hopefully that isn't too much information.)

    I would occasionally dance with girls at bars in college, but it seemed like most were just biding time with me until a more strapping, handsome frat guy would cut in. After the girl would leave, I would sometimes go chat with the bouncer just to have someone to talk to. A huge, ripped bouncer talking to a lanky, awkward (closeted) gay guy. What an image!

    It's so incredibly weird now to go to a bar, and feel like somebody might be interested in me.

    I have to admit, I am embarrassed that I'm just now accepting myself at age 29. When I went to the bar on Friday night, someone asked me "Why haven't I seen you in here before?" I replied, "Well, because I just started coming out to people a month ago." I feel like I am regarded as "less brave" than all those who came out in their teens and early 20's. It's almost like there's a "merit badge" (think Boy Scouts) that I failed to earn.

    Anyway, I just wanted to finally chime in. I've been reading all of your stories for a few weeks, and I am so impressed by each of you.

    Cheers,
    Mark
     
    #1 BackgroundExtra, Oct 13, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2013
  2. palimpsest

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    Welcome! You are not alone, you are certainly not late in the game. I love the screen name because I know the feeling. Well chosen. I for one, am still caught dead center between my new life and my old one. Between actualizing the things I've been to afraid to try and the things I've done to cover, bury and hide myself.

    Which is really to say, don't be hard on yourself. Your merit is inside of you, never forget it. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I hope you stay around a while and tell us more about you.

    In every case, congratulations are beginning your journey out.
     
  3. TTSP

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    Re: Noob

    Hey Mark,

    I'm in similar situation just turned 29 and should have known a long time ago. I guess we can't turn the clock back. I've told one or two friends but not out to many people, I've never really had a girlfriend until recently so I'm sure most people will not bein the least bit surprised. Also going to try going to a therapist as I just need someone to dump all my thoughts on, I could do this with one or two close friends but I can't imagine they would have much to say its an unusual situation to be in, I really need guidance. I've hated myself for so long, especially when it came to women I just couldn't understand what was so wrong with me.

    I laugh now at the rationalisations I used, when I went into a room and noticed all the men, I was 'looking for threats' and when I noticed good looking men I was 'envious' haha. I like you have been a background extra as I realise now that nightclubs bars etc were a completely different experience for my friends as they were looking around at girls. I really just went to chat and often to get drunk and escape reality.

    I have been paranoid of being gay my whole life due to bullying when younger so I would suppress anything even remotely gay about me which is a tragedy as I feel my personality is truncated and the most vibrant life affirming parts of me have been suppressed. I guess we will have to undo that damage. I've met a few gay people but I'm backing off now after the last few weeks as I need a bit of time to process what has happened very new to this.

    I blame bullying really
     
    #3 TTSP, Oct 13, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2013
  4. greatwhale

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    Hey BackgroundExtra, welcome to EC!

    Twenty-nine is not old, that is a fantastic age to realize who you are!

    I will echo Palimpsest in saying that you chose your name well, it fits a lot of us, "background extras" in our own lives.

    The two most important questions are discussed here always: Who am I and what do I want?

    In this life, there is only one thing that matters: your own good name. You cannot have that until you live with integrity, until what you are on the inside matches what you project to others.

    Best of luck here at EC!
     
  5. SilentCreatures

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    I know the merit badge feeling. A great way to describe it. I sometimes feel like I have missed out on life because of coming out when I was around 28. I recall going to a bar and having someone interested in me. The feeling was electric.

    Thank you for sharing :slight_smile: It's so nice to not feel like the only one.
     
  6. bscott92

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    If it makes you feel any better, I was 38 before I really figured it out. So you're never too old to really start living your life. And I told a few close friends first before I started telling other people. The more comfortable you become with it, the easier it will be to tell people. And you'll be amazed at how much better you feel.
     
  7. Biotech49

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    I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night on Netflix (yeah, finally catching up after all of these years - season five right now) and there was a scene with two women doctors in bed. One of them said something about not knowing she needed glasses when she was a child but when she got them everything became clear to her. Realizing your are LGBT at any point in life and actually coming out and/or doing something about that attraction is kind of like getting glasses. You didn't realize that they were exactly what you needed. Everything is clear and make sense. Nothing is fuzzy any more!

    Congrats on starting the journey! I came out at 49 to everyone. I am, indeed, enjoying the trip. So will you!
     
  8. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    I got glasses for the 1st time last November- same month I started coming out to family! 30 years of headaches went away!
     
  9. MaybeJory

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    The glasses analogy is perfect. My life has always been off. Now that I know I'm a lesbian (just figured it out at 33) everything fits. I'm truly happy. I've never been happy. Not the internal happiness that comes just from within myself.

    It's never too late. I argue with myself a lot and set myself up for rejection and failure. I told myself that I wouldn't be accepted, no woman would ever want a chick with so much baggage. I made some gay friends and they are all totally down. They are happy that I finally figured it out. It's not as big of a deal as I had myself believing.
     
  10. MilansMele

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    Welcome, BackgroundExtra!

    Although you may feel you have some catching up to do, take it one step at a time.
    One step at a time and enjoy the journey.

    Oh to be 29 again!

    with aloha,
    Milan
     
  11. Thank you all very much for your replies.

    Palimpsest: I sympathize greatly with you. I have read your posts and am in your corner. I am conflicted and nervous enough about starting my "new" life. I can't imagine being legally bound to a woman on top of things. Is the section of California that you live in a relatively open-minded place? I know it's kind of a roll-of-the-dice in that state.

    Lookingforsome: First, happy belated birthday! I can definitely relate to feeling envious of hot guys. I went to a summer camp in North Carolina when I was 13, and we had community showers. Myself and all the other guys were in the midst of puberty. You can guess where my eyes wandered. At first I just thought "You are jealous that they are blooming faster than you." But deep attraction was at the core of it all. I'm sorry about your bullying, too. Another area I can relate to. Is Ireland improving much in its views of homosexuality?

    Greatwhale: I definitely agree that the inside has to match the outside. Everything is just happening so fast, and I'm trying to internalize it all. Sexual acts in bathrooms is a brand new phenomenon to me. LOL. (Not that I've done it.) Nothing like that ever happened when I'd go to straight bars in college. Well, that I know of. :***:

    Silentcreature: It IS indeed electric. I kissed a guy for the first time 2 weeks ago. (Again, I hope that's not too much information.) I was useless at work the next day because I couldn't think about anything other than how epically satisfying that moment had been.

    Bscott: good for you for coming out in Annapolis. I associate that area with strong "military values." I imagine it could be a lot harder to be gay there?

    Biotech: you are so right about the glasses! I vaguely remember that episode of Grey's. :icon_bigg Unfortunately, I don't think I know any lesbians. I imagine that the coming out process may be harder on you guys, since it's already hard to be a woman in this world. I think you have lots of strength.

    Rose: congrats on being free! 30 years is a long time to wait (I should know).

    MaybeJory: I'm glad that you got such a great reception in the gay community. I find that guys I meet on the weekends tend to be a little snobby. It is hard for me to break into groups. I usually work up the courage to approach a guy who is standing by himself, like me. It's easier to walk up to someone without all of his friends also sizing you up.

    ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 08:09 AM ----------

    MilansMele: Thanks for the kind words. I don't know, sometimes I feel like 20's are such a tumultuous decade. I'm still so unsure of myself. But I trust that things will work out.
     
  12. MaybeJory

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    See if you can find a support group. That's a totally different culture than the bar scene.
     
  13. ClosetedFather

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    Welcome to EC. Your still a young man. Were all here to help you on your journey.

    Rose - Wow you work quick. A woman of action. I wish I could get my shit together like that.
     
  14. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Thanks ClosetedFather! I was actually going to wait until end of last school year but the almost ex did something so asshole-y I decided I could not breathe or wait that long.
    A-ex insisted I tell our son in May about me being gay/divorce so he could tell people why we were divorcing. (Realized later he just wanted to date woman he is living with.) He had some fun (& admitted this) outing me to everyone else (except my family/friends)
    There is still I'm sure another outing planned (by him/someone in his family who is quite a gossip) next week as my son's sport season is starting... Fun times!!

    ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 12:18 PM ----------

    Forgot to say Welcome! (*hug*)
     
    #14 Rose27, Oct 13, 2013
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  15. TTSP

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    There are loads of out gay people in Ireland, can hardly walk down the street without bumping into one and one of the strong contenders in the last election for president was gay. I wouldn't say its quite as liberal as a lot of western Europe but Ireland isn't really as religious as people think. I think the younger generation is even more liberal and it depends where you live, in the cities it is easier.
     
  16. bscott92

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    Bscott: good for you for coming out in Annapolis. I associate that area with strong "military values." I imagine it could be a lot harder to be gay there?

    I've learned that "military values" doesn't mean what it used to. Yes, Annapolis is filled with very old, very conservative ex-military types who are happy living in their own little bubbles. But there are a lot of us ex- or current military types who are just living our lives. I now sponsor a gay midshipman from the Naval Academy. If only I could take myself back twenty years and start over, my life would be different. But I have learned that being gay is only as hard as you make it.
     
  17. SimpleMan

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    Welcome BackgroundExtra! I don't have much to add other than to share that I am very much in the same boat. You are actually ahead of me in the process. Out to three people and kissed a guy to boot! Congrats! I haven't reached any of those milestones yet. I know the feeling of being a background extra all too well. I hope you find some solace and strength by sharing here on the boards!
     
  18. sagebrush

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    Welcome, BackgroundExtra. :slight_smile:
     
  19. MaybeJory: I think I'm going to look into that. It would be nice to meet people without the underlying sexual tension thing going on.

    ClosetedFather: Thanks for the warm welcome. I hope that your kids are accepting of you. I think having a gay dad would be fun. :slight_smile:

    Rose: Thanks! And your ex sounds like a piece of work. My hope is that in 10 years, "outing" someone will not give the "outer" any leverage whatsoever.

    Lookingforsome: I'm glad to hear that the heavy Catholicism stereotype doesn't make things too hard for you guys. I feel like my story aligns very closely with yours, given our ages. It's a shame we're thousands of miles away. I could use friends who are in my same boat. :bang:

    Bscott: the old conservatives are dying off. Or will soon. Their bubbles will inevitably pop. I can't wait for diversity to be the complete norm!

    Simpleman: Thanks for the kind words! I know that the Midwest is pretty traditional, but is Indianapolis at least somewhat embracing of the gays? I think of it as a "moderate" big city. Hopefully "big city" ideals carry over. And for the record, I'm not that much ahead of you. Though I'm out to those 3 guys, I don't see them much. We're mainly texting buddies. I spend a lot of my time alone. I hope you make some gay friends who will help you out of the closet, and that you get your first gay kiss very soon! It will turn your world upside down. (!)

    Sagebrush: Thank you!
     
  20. SimpleMan

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    Indy is OK. Indiana could very well be the last state to impose a gay marriage ban though. Funnily enough, my degree is in theatre so I know quite a few gay guys. I just have horrible anxiety that has kept me from approaching any of them for support. Trying to find a therapist now to help me make a game plan. THANK YOU for your kind words too. :slight_smile: