37 and can't accept this....please help

Hi All,

This is very hard for me to write this and maybe in some way I am writing this to try and help myself and just get it out there. I know that I am attracted to guys. For most of my life I have known this but I tried to avoid it because it was easier to simply avoid it than to deal with it. This worked in high school and college and since I'm 37, I really did not grow up in an era were being gay was "ok". I grew up in the tail-end of the "gay is bad" era and "you must hide it" era. There were not gay people on tv and if there were they were not images that were positive. Anyways, since I was also attracted to women, I had a few girlfriends and successful relationships with women in "all ways" (sexual too) but every once and a while, I'd see a guy and feel like a schoolgirl hoping that I could go on a date with him. Again, I just avoided these thoughts and feelings until about 7 years ago. After becoming single (partly due to my inner curiousity about being with guys), I thought, 'ok, now i can explore being gay". I am very old fashioned and admittedly wanted something of an fantasy "bromance" that turned to "romance" with a guy that appeared straight but actually ended up liking me as much as i liked him.....As you could imagine, this never happened. After embrassing myself a few times with liking straight guys and outing myself to them only to hear the "im not gay" line, i figured i would go for the full-on gays so that I would no longer have to question. Of course that led me to gay bars and clubs and all the stuff that came along with that. As you can imagine, finding someone meaningful in that environment was next to impossible. All the while, i remained "straight" to my friends and started to avoid friends and associates when the questions started to come since I had not been seen with a girlfriend in a long time and everyone would start to ask "why are you single?". I would try and date guys but sex was usually something they wanted and not the bromance fairytale i wanted, so it never worked out. I am very afraid to have sex because I see it as the point of no return. In my mind, if i have sex with a guy, then I can no longer hold onto the shred of "im straight or I'm bi" in case I want to go back to women and in many ways i would feel like damaged goods to any woman if i decided to turn back. after 7 years, i honestly feel like i'm in the same place i was 7 years ago. Whenever, I have gay thoughts or act out on gay dating, I feel dirty or digusting and like a horrible person. This last for a while until i can mentally "avoid" and try and make myself feel better and push myself back into a safe "asexual" status. I'm very lonely. I have come out to a few friends and they have accepted me (women) and a few guys that I suspected were gay and they turned out were gay as well. Instead of feeling comraderie with them, however, i feel more apart as they seem to see being gay as a way to have great sex when they want to. This is not what i feel comfortable with, so since we do not share the same thought process, it's hard for me to really feel better about being gay or having a gay friend to turn to, because their actions only reinforce how disgusting I feel. I know that's hard to understand, but it is how i feel. I guess in the 7 year timeframe, i was hoping to meet someone else like me that was starting out later in life and could be with women if he wanted to but was trying to sort things out himself as well. This also never happened. I met people who were sexually more comfortable with theirselves and since I wasn't, it never worked. i feel like i'm getting older and i have basically isolated myself from people. I am social and used to go out a lot but going to straight events and such with my friends started to get lonely because everyone was talking to the opposite sex except me. I have been to a few gay events as well (non-clubs) but the people there, i never could identify with. The only thing we had in common it seemed was that we may have liked guys. I know there are sports leagues for gays and stuff, but i am not into sports. I'm just a masculine guy that everyone thinks is straight.

i'm grasping at straws and it is a call for help because i'm tired of feeling bad about myself and it is illogical to feel that way. however, i can't seem to stop feeling bad or guilty for simply having gay thoughts or attractions. l thought possibly seeing a counselor could help but it hasn't really and most of that may be to my resistance of "coming out", but i really think i need to focus on coming out to myself but i do not know how to do it. i accept that i like guys but i also make myself feel dirty and bad about it. honestly who would want to be in a relationship with me anyway with all my issues (gay or straight).

since i live in a major metropolitan city, its not uncommon to be this old and single because everyone else is single in later years too, but i feel like i have put myself on a "shelf" for years to avoid being fully gay and the possible rejection and pain that comes with it. I am terrified of gay physical intimacy and disease and have so many phobias about it, that i can't think anyone would want to be with me or have patience with me. i feel horrible inside although i smile on the outside.

i am not shy and frequently chat it up with strangers or anyone i think may be interesting. i force myself to go out all the time alone to places i enjoy or acitivities i enjoy in the hopes of having a good time but also secretely meeting someone. i try and get dressed up and look nice to the best of my abilities because you never know.....

but i fell so dirty inside that i sometimes think i should just focus on getting myself together before looking for someone else. i have tried that, but in 7 years i'm better than i was but still overall i feel like crap. Can anyone help or add advice?

 

Hi there, cantaccept, you've come to a good place. You certainly won't have any problem finding people who can understand here.

First question I guess I have to ask is, you wrote "i accept that i like guys but i also make myself feel dirty and bad about it". Have you shared this with your counselor? And if so, is that person trying to help you get to the root of this, or did they just nod it off? If the former, give it some time and effort, if the later, find a new counselor who specializes in sexual issues. I'm starting with someone new tomorrow and that's her focus. Cause I just know that despite knowing what I want, to truly let go of any latent stigmas and insecurities and really embrace where I'm heading, I've got 40+ years of repression to dig through and invalidate first.

If you've tried all that and the idea of sex with a man still 'icks' you, maybe you truly are either heterosexual or asexual? I thought I was asexual for a long time, because I had absolutely NO desire to have sex with men - but that was before I ever allowed myself to consider that there was another option. Now desire is the least of my issues. But I digress. One thing I did discover when trying to determine if I was truly asexual, is that you could be heterosexual but homoromantic. Or you might truly be asexual and still be homoromantic (your idea of bromance w/out the sex).

There's a whole spectrum of sexualities, you just need to determine where you're most comfortable along that rainbow. Read around here, and look up AVEN. There are plenty of people in both places that share their stories, and they just might spark something for you.

Good luck!!

 

Can't-- I get it. You are attracted to men, but your whole life and identity is wrapped up in a set of heterosexual friends. (Possibly) a heterosexual work environment family etc. and here's the thing no one says--there were aspects of that life that were ( at least for me) good, joyful, fun. Yeah maybe I liked women and caught myself staring a little to long at some, but it didn't consume me. Now.. Being gay is all encompassing. I'm not saying that's bad, but every act ( including finding that special someone) has do many layersj--I have so many ( often conflicting) feelings about how I am perceived-how I want to be perceived etc. It is daunting.. And depressing. I see myself looking at people who have been gay their whole life and think-- gee they're so lucky they've got nothing to explain. But actually I think I'm probably kidding myself about that too. Hang in there. I get it.

 

thanks so much SC! yea maybe the bromance is elusive. maybe you're right. when i get too close to something feeling fully 100% gay, i run. .

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 06:18 PM ----------

hi thanks so much for the help. to answer your question, yes, i have tried two several counselors back to back and i have tried to get more detailed explanation about why i feel like it's so bad and how i can work towards not feeling like it is bad. the next steps i have received are often foggy or something like, "you just have to accept yourself" or recommending me being coming out to more people or surrounding myself around gay men so i can feel better and have a support system but its just so hard because surrounding myself around gay men is scary when i am not "out" and not 100% sure that gay is the way for me, and i am worried these people may inadvertantly "out" me to my "straight" world or that I will be stuck with a label that after exploration may or may not fit me. But the fact remains, in 7 years all these excuses have led me to a standstill.

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 06:23 PM ----------

i can really relate to this because my whole world and expectations of me have been be shaped in a straight environment. i hear the gay jokes, the gay innuedos or slight remarks that make it seem like all gay men are effeminate or this or that. basically people stick gay men into a neatly label box and throw them all in there and i do not want to be thrown in some box. i dont want people to perceive me any differently than they do now. if they found out then instead of being "me" i'm now the gay guy and i am desperately trying hard to control that image of myself that i want others to see me as. i dont want to be hurt.

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 06:25 PM ----------

i feel the same way. i didnt chose this. i dont know how it came to be (nature or nuture, but here i am). honestly i wished i were not like this or did not have these feeling but they seem as natural to me as anything else. saying that i didn't think a guy was hot when he was hot, would be lying to myself. now all the mechanics of how i would feel and what i would feel like if i were in a relationship with him, that's a whole separate ball of wax, that feels so daunting for me. hopefully being on here will help me figure it out.

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 06:32 PM ----------

OMGosh!! I can totally relate to this because it's so true. AIDs had just started to be a big issues in the 80s and it was a death sentence and very very scary. there were no magic johnson role models or anything like that. is was very scary and basically that started during my junior high years where all you heard was about how you could die from having sex with the "wrong" person. and also it was seen as a gay person's disease. even today, its hard for me to get past the phobias of being intimidate with a guy because in my mind i think there's a greater likelihood that he may have an STI or HIV. imagine trying to date with all this stuff in your head and also being afraid that you're too slow or not moving "fast" enough to keep someone interested or around.maybe you are right at new counselor but i'm counseled out. i just feel like in general im going in circle and there's no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. not sure what to do next. sometimes it seems like i shoudl just start having sex in an effort to "figure it out" but i think mentally that would destroy me if i wasn't ready for it or if i was dumped directly afterwards. i feel really alone. its like i do not seem to fit in with straight friends anymore and i do not seem to fit in with what is considered the gay community and i'm on this journey looking for others like me that i feel a commonality with but i never seem to find them. maybe this site is the last hope.

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 06:36 PM ----------

i think that if noone would judge me for it and noone would every know about it, and i found someone that really was into me and i was really into them, i would love to be with that guy. so this makes me discount my idea of asexuality. i have put myself in asexuality as an avoidance technique. i am scared to have sex with women or start a relationship with a woman because i feel my "exploration in gay dating" has sullied me and that i'm "dirty" as a result. also, i fear that maybe i wont be phsyically excited with women anymore and that would mean i was 100% gay and as a result, i avoid pursuing this so i wont have to deal with the aftermath of what an unsuccesful intimate moment with a woman would mean to me and my physce.

 

For me it was hearing the story of a good friend who was in the midst of divorce and coming out and had fallen in love with another man. My first thought was that he was the most courageous person I know, my second thought was that I was so envious - I could only dream of having that kind of courage, and my third thought was to ask myself why I so desperately wanted to do exactly what he had done.

Talk about your wake-up call!

 

@ palimpest: What clicked for me was when I realized that it is possible for two people of the same gender to be emotionally, physically, mentally...attached, attracted and deeply in love with one another. Then I got what gay is, what I am, and what I want. Then, for the first time, I started to shed my own shame.

i totally understand what you're saying. it was my hope that i would be able to experience this type of thing above with someone and that would make me feel more secure in who i was and what i wanted. but when i am constantly faced with sex talk, it just has become so discouraging to even remotely think that what you described above is possible for me. that maybe, just maybe, i could actually meet someone that make my feel butterflies and excitement and that feeling when you can't wait to speak to the other person and they feel the same way about you. now, i see myself settling for "that will do" or someone that i'm not fully interested in but may offer sexual attraction. i do not want that. but i do not want to be alone anymore. i dont want to settle but i'm miserable and going to sleep alone sucks all the time. i wished that i could meet that person that is awesome and that makes me feel like, "you know what its ok to be gay because look at what a terrific person i found and how i feel inside and so what if people talk about me or shun me because look at how great i feel with this person." i thought that would help me feel more secure. i know however, that noone can't do this for you, that you have to feel secure in yourself first, but i can't help but to have this fantasy. i meet women all the time that are awesome and that could offer me that fantasy but i dont have that burning weak in the knees feeling with them. then on the reverse, i just keep meeting the same round of sex addicted drug or alcohol abuser or people that do not have a job, or bitter people that have been openly gay for many years and bitter over how the dating scene has done them...there's just no hope it seems. its like everyone says : accept yourself accept accept, but then what am i accepting. ok, now if i accept i like guys and theres no shame in it i guess that's great but then what? i guess i will be a happier single person? i just wonder if being gay means dooming myself to a life of taking second best or settling for something sexual just to have some simblance of intimacy. that is not what i want, but there's so many people on EC that seem to be like me but in teh real world, i guess all of us are hiding so we can't find each other.

 

Palimpsest- you are such a great addition to this site. Thank you for your wisdom and perspective.

Can'taccept-- hang in there. He's out there.