Since I came out to my GF I feel like I am in limbo. We are staying together to see if we can make it work. She is still the only person I have come out to. Came close to coming out to my parents this weekend but chickened out. I went to a GAMMA support group (Gay and Married Mens Association) which I believe will be fruitful but will take sometime. At first I wanted to come out to a bunch of people but now I don't know if I am ready. One minute I want to come out to parent and friend so I have more support, next minute I begin to think they will just complicate things. I won't talk to my parents about it anyway and I'm not so sure how supportive my friend will be. I guess it feels unnatural because I want to see the end game but with this so much is out of my hands I have little control over the end game. I'm sorry if this post is as confused as my feelings.
Dude its not confusing. I write confusing things to that make sense to me but I don't think make sense to others so I understand you. Ha was that confusing? It sounds like the same kinda thing I deal with. I don't think its you its the confusing life we were given. You made this first big step that I haven't been able to do yet. When you are ready to tell more you will. Its still all new to you being out to your GF.
Don't apologize (yes that is hypocritical of me since I apologized in some ways for my rants yesterday). But damn it, don't do it! Yes, here too, you are not alone. Limbo, purgatory, that nasty all white subway station in the matrix between the two worlds, that's where a bunch of us are. One foot tentatively out in a brave new way, with the rest of us stuck from wherever we began this journey from. Time. Yes you need time. Time is good and tricky. Time to become comfortable with you. Comfortable enough to not worry what anyone else thinks because you've got yourself figured. Because you love who and what you are, whatever that ends up looking like (Ps, pretty sure we'll be here rooting you on (*hug*).) The catch 22, that is time in limbo. You can't control how other people will react. You can control what sort of end game you want. Talk it out, again and again and again... We will listen. We will be your cheer squad. Shoulder's to cry on. Voices to keep you focussed on you. You are not alone in limbo. We'll through a party :eusa_danc, bust out some adult beverages, sit in front of our various machines, and just let it out. Rant it out. Laugh it out. Cry it out. Shout it out. Whatever. Use this time to find your focus at your own pace. But don't think you are alone, not even here in between. None of us has to go this alone. None of us has to be left behind. None of us has to hide any longer, not here, not from each other!!!
Thanks guys I appreciate the support. I would be lying if I told you I was totally comfortable with everyone knowing I am gay/bisexual. But I have come along way in that regard. I feel prepared to make that step. Well at times I feel prepared. It is the actual consequences. That concern me. The first one is already in motion. Will my girlfriend and I be able to make it work. She is a monogamist. I don't think that will change and I don't want to force her or coerce her into a life that she is unhappy living. I don't think I can live my life without men, some sorta relationship with men. But we are giving it sometime to make a decision. Its all to raw at this point to make a good decision plus we really love and respect each other. The next is financially. I am self employed and barely getting by right now. My customers are all part of a small community not really known for its equal opportunities. There are a couple of lesbians that own businesses in the field but they draw there customers from a slightly different base.
I'm comfortable with it in theory, but not yet in practice. I want the day when I can change my out status to everyone. That will take time, for a number of reasons. In part because I still need to be stronger than I am. This is an excellent practice ground, and I'm getting proficient at telling people in real life; but I've not risked anything major yet. I guess that I am firmly resolved to do so as soon as I can. As soon as I am not dependent on my current paycheck (church, which is most of my social circle). Ultimately, that is what I need. My wife isn't pushing me, she's only told a few of her friends because she needs support too. I want to do this, it is the only way to break through and find myself again. I know it in the center of my soul. That may not be the right answer for you. For those of us in any pre-existing relationship, we must each choose how we will go. Know ourselves well enough to know what we can do. What we can, will or are able to sacrifice, if anything at all. Know the limits of our current partners/spouses, to know what they need and want, what they can, will or are able to sacrifice, if anything at all. Then, to try to work it all out; always asking, is this really worth it for both of us; and; is this something that I can really live with. Because if I've learned one thing, you can live a long time in a crappy relationship, watch it get worse, hang on to principles and end up screwing all parties involved. (Sorry, that is a downer of a statement, but I think its bluntly true.) Baby steps, baby steps.
You guys are all within just a few years of each other in age. You are all around the same point in your lives that I was, 10 years ago, when my husband and I made the deal that we would stay together until our youngest graduated HS, then go our separate ways. That day will come in 4 years. I will be 50 and my husband 54. This July, at literally the exact same time that I was having the conversation with a friend that would ultimately open my eyes to my authentic self and make me determine within my own mind that I couldn't possibly wait another 4 years, my husband was visiting his brother - who just happens to be 54 - who had just been told that he had between 3 and 6 months to live. As a matter of fact, my husband is back visiting that brother as I write tonight. Hospice has come in and they now believe he is down to days, a week or two at most. My soon-to-be-ex came home from that visit and told me that he was no longer willing to put off his own happiness, and asked if I was willing to try to find it with him. I had to honestly say no, because I had finally realized that it's impossible. When we got around to telling our kids, they were not surprised. It's not easy now, but I have to say that I think the prevailing emotions in the house at this point are relief and anticipation. And that's a damn sight better than the tension we had all been living with - for far too long. Take from this what you will. I won't preach that life is too short, or that you're depriving your spouse and your children their own true peace and happiness. I will allow you to draw your own conclusions. Your family might be just the opposite of mine. Who knows? Really? Only you.
What is that saying - "Life is what happens when you are making other plans"? I told myself for years that my goal was to stick with the marriage until my youngest was out of high school. That goal was made some time before I had that Helen-Keller-at-the-pump moment when I stopped short, held my breath and said, basically, "What the fuck! I'm gay?!" And when I came out to my wife, I had every intention of hanging in there as long as possible because of finances and emotions. Now I'm not so sure. I always knew that our relationship was messed up, but coming out to her has forced us into numerous other discussions that have brought to light things that have been problems for years, but we never dealt with them. The only thing I can say for certain is that the process is still evolving, and I think that's the case with just about everyone here. We have good days and bad days, days when it all makes sense, and days when it feels like our brains have been put through a Cuisinart. Makes me think of the stories of slaves escaping to the north, and traveling in the dark and relying on the stars and where the moss was on the trees to keep heading in the right direction. No road, no map and no certainty, except that freedom lies in that direction so you damn well have to keep moving, even if you bump into things and get lost.
With just a small adjustment, when she drug me out, I desperately wanted to stay..but now...the rest is pretty much me word for word. Its not my brain though, its my heart. My emotional and psychological self. The things that have been numb. It's like a radically swinging pendulum, middle ground would be nice (just for a day or two :icon_wink).
