I'm just wondering if other people have observed this. In the short time that I've been out, it's become apparent that there is an emphasis on being skinny. At the bar, the really thin boys always seem to get hit on the most. They wear V-neck shirts that cling to their bodies and accentuate their small frames. I am 5'11" and weigh 170. Until last month, I thought this was fairly typical and average. Now, when I go out to the bar, I look around. It has occurred to me that my stomach could be considered a "gut." And this gut could possibly cost me dates. I danced with a guy for the first time ever on Friday night. I put my hands on his hips, and I could feel his hip bones. He probably weighed about 130 pounds. It made me feel like I was composed of lard. As a result, I sucked in my stomach as much as I could. My ribs were a bit sore later in the evening. Is this a problem for other people? Do you feel heavy if you are not extremely thin?
icon_winkYes, yes I do. Working on trying to shed my "straight weight." Lost a lot in just admitting that I'm gay, that said, wow, plastic surgeon's sounding plausible:icon_wink Seriously, I think for me at this point, I am as much or more interested in the romance and relationship as the sex. I want it all, and maybe I've lived in the straight world long enough to see and appreciate the whole package differently. Or maybe, this is the way it is for a lot of people in general, and is a sign that I am just getting older and want something of value that will really last.
You probably notice simply because you weren't courting before, and now you suddenly are. Appearance wasn't emphasized because you probably weren't looking for much. Truthfully, it's probably just a society thing. I'm only 130 pounds, and I still feel fat in comparison to a lot of people. We are oddly obsessed with weight in our society.
Palimpsest, I think you have a great point. Appreciating the whole package is definitely a sign of maturity. It's just that I hope I am given an actual chance in the first place. Competition seems to be fierce. What's to stop a guy from walking my way when he can go try his luck with the twig two stools down from me? I, unfortunately, have not lost any "straight weight." (But congrats to you for doing so!) I'm hoping to lose 10 lbs over the next month. I think 160 is a decent number.
I sensed that for gay/bi males there is more of a pressure for looking good with "your top off" than there is for straight males. I didn't know that it was that harsh; where you have to be stick skinny; but that's unfortunate. Sorry, horrible use of semicolons. For me personally, I do like thin but I can date someone who isn't super model skinny. I hope you find people who are like myself on their opinion towards that.
Abbra, you're right. I have been on a sort of social hiatus from ages 22-29. After college, my friends began getting married, so I had no one to go out with. I guess I stopped noticing societal trends. Now that I'm back in the scene, I'm feeling the pressure. Also, on dating websites, the "Weight" blank kind of scares me now. Do I put in 170? Do I lie a bit and say 165? Would anyone notice the difference? This is what runs through my newly gay thoughts. ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 08:16 PM ---------- Fortheloveoflez: I hope so, too. By the way, I LOVE your screenname!
I would say just put in 170. You're going to want someone who is going to love you and your weight. Why not start the relationship with honesty?
I am around the 170lbs weight and I guess the one thing I want to know someone's truthful weight, and I don't mind if someone is a few lbs heavier than someone else, it's the package, the only thing I wish people would do is make sure they use the same weight on different apps, or sign in 1 day with one size and another day with a different weight. I like guys slightly older and if older comes with weight even better, it means they aren't stressing about their bodies and they are probably a good cook.
I figure, if someone is so hung up on weight that they wouldn't be interested in you unless you were a stick--are THEY really worth YOUR time? That's a certain amount of whistling in the dark, of course. At almost 52, I will have more than just weight to contend with once I'm out and about! (Although I will drop 180 lbs rather quickly once I get a divorce, lol.) Personally, I'd take the weight number with a grain of salt anyhow. I'm 6 feet even and 215 lbs, although no one ever believes I'm that heavy because my frame can support it. (Although having lost 100 lbs, there IS a certain amount of looseness that I'm not particularly thrilled about.) If I got down to 170, though, I would look like something that had been helped out of his coffin. It might make me more attractive to some people, but I'd rather be accepted for the person I am. I figure, if I dieted myself down to a size I couldn't maintain, and latch on to someone who is mainly attracted to me because I would fit into a test tube, what happens when I have a handful of Fritos and a cheeseburger and gain a couple pounds? Be honest and be yourself. Phonies have no problems attractiing other phonies, but in the end, it's not worth it.
In bars and clubs, your weight, your appearance and what you wear are all the superficial things that count in that environment. It's no use competing with a twig in that environment, there is no competition. Hence the importance, if you can, of meeting this community on other levels, whether it be choirs, social clubs, etc. They do exist, and if they don't, well online is a definite option, but the paid ones are probably better.
Background - that 5 lbs difference on a questionnaire means nothing. That's the difference between flab and muscle. Speaking of which, that ache in your abs after sucking in your gut all night? The exact same ache you'd get after working out - and for the same reason. Keep sucking it in, it will help tone those muscles. I used to be all jutting bones, but when I started really working out, I gained about 10 pounds of muscle. Now I'd describe myself as athletic, or fit (read - body like an average adolescent boy, for the most part) and because I know it doesn't come easy, especially in middle age, I look for and appreciate the same in another woman. It's definitely one of the things that most attracts me, at least on a purely visual level. If I find out more about a woman that I don't have an immediate physical attraction to, and come to realize that we have a number of things in common, or she sparks excitement for me intellectually, then it's completely true that I end up totally reconsidering her level of attraction. Same goes for the opposite too, looks good from a distance, but if I want nothing to do with what's on the inside, then their initial good looks somehow diminish. Abbra - unless you're extremely petite (like 5'5" or smaller) you need to put on some weight young man! That's just not healthy!! (Sorry, it's the mom in me coming out.) Anyway, for you later in life guys, isn't it the lore that the twiggy twinks go for the more mature, cosmopolitan guys? Aren't those extra pounds a sign that you can afford to feed yourself - and maybe them too if they play their cards right?
Abbra: You're right. I have 170 listed as my weight already; and now that I think about it, that would look very suspicious if I suddenly changed it a day later. I'd be really embarrassed if anyone ever called me out on it. Also, I agree with Dragonbait--you should treat yourself to several dozen Krispy Kreme donuts! Coolbananas: I think I just repeated your point above. LOL. Also, I'm glad that I'm not alone in my 170. I would look silly in a fitted Abercrombie shirt. (But let's be honest, I'm too old for that brand now anyway!) Choirboy: Congrats on your incredible weight loss!! How did you do it? And I agree about what should really be valued. Greatwhale: Good point. I heard about a group of gays in town who play volleyball on Sunday afternoons. I'm going to send the coordinator a Facebook message and see if I can join. Dragonbait: LOL at the "folklore" about twinks. Honestly, I feel so naive. I never even heard the term "twink" until this past month. And apparently there are "bears" too? Also, congrats on the great physique. You're inspiring me to get to work.
:lol: You made me laugh a few times in this post, BackgoundExtra! On Saturday I drove 26 miles off my intended route to take my own 130 lb (6'2") scrawny son to a Krispy Kreme, and when we reached the exit, he told me he didn't really want them! Welcome to the alt-world of LGBQ terminology. I had to find a 'lesbian dictionary' almost immediately after finding this site! And yes to the "bears" too - as a matter of fact, we've got one or two of them (and their admirers) in this forum on occasion. That's one way to not have to worry about a couple of extra pounds - self identify as a bear! And lastly, I don't think I would classify it as a 'great' physique, but I do like to think it's not too shabby for a middle aged mother of two. Can't take all the credit though, up until I hit 40 it was mostly thanks to good genes and an incredibly high metabolism. Unfortunately everything seems to either slow down or break down with age!
I weigh 150 lb and am 5' 10", but there is No Way I would ever have the kind of physique that would be found on a muscle magazine cover. Some people got lucky swimming in the gene pool, but most of us didn't. It is not about what you weigh in terms of shirt-off appearance, it is how lucky you got and how much time you have spent at the gym trying to keep what you do have in the best shape possible. I see guys who are 5' 11" and weigh 170 lb who are gorgeous examples, and others of the same height and weight who probably have 30% body fat. If you want to make a good impression physically, start in on a program of mostly cardio exercise (I ride around 200 miles a week on my bike), do a lot of pushups away from the dinner & dessert table, and add enough weight training to peak the muscles you naturally have. Who knows, you might even find someone you want to spend time with at the gym, instead of at the night club.
Dragonbait: You have a son who is 6'2" and only weighs 130 pounds?!?! That's...wow! I can see the metabolism at work that you described in your second paragraph! Californiacoast: You're right! I'm working on trying to develop more confidence. I just feel so behind in all this. Very green. But I know I'll eventually find my way. Yossarian: Thanks for the advice. I'll admit, my 170 is not muscle. I don't look as good as I could. I am going to start doing pushups, like you mentioned. I'm dissatisfied with my sloth-like behavior as of late.
