Hi everyone! First off, I just wanted to say that I think this is an amazing community. I am so happy to have stumbled upon it and I look forward to getting to know many of you in the future. At the moment, I am struggling with the big decision of whether to break up with my boyfriend of nearly four years in order to explore my sexuality and try relationships with women. I am terrified of the consequences of this decision and have been going back and forth about what to do for nearly eleven months. I never thought much about relationships or sexuality when I was younger. In high school I was somewhat of a hippie, nerdy, academically-driven student. I felt that most of my peers were not attracted to me and I was extremely shy. I dated one guy for about two months my junior year, but I think I was mostly attracted to him because of his taste in music and fashion. I think this guy turned out to be gay and when we broke up, I was ridiculed for not realizing that I was dating a closeted gay guy. The end of my senior year, I dated another guy for about four months, but we didn't spend a ton of time together. During high school I started talking to a girl online that I met on a teen dating website. When I first viewed her pictures on her profile, I actually thought she was a guy, but she turned out to be a lesbian. We talked constantly online through emails and texts. I considered her my best friend. At one point she asked me out. I knew I liked her a lot, but the sketchiness of entering into an online relationship with someone I had never met before led me to decline. I know it sounds crazy and an obvious miss, but at the time, I didn't really dwell on the possibility of my being attracted to a girl or of my potentially being bisexual or lesbian. The weirdness of the online relationship was what made me say no and I didn't dig deeper to try to analyze my sexuality. I have no doubt now that I loved her and very possibly was in love with her. Eventually we fell out of touch, in part because I tried to stop talking to her because I was freaked out about talking to someone online. We lost contact for about four years. In college, I began dating my current boyfriend. He is an absolutely amazing person. He's brilliant, thoughtful, honest, driven, and completely devoted to our relationship. I know he is extremely in love with me and wants to marry me. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and would be a great provider and father if we had children. He's very doting and affectionate. He likes to be intimate way more often than I do, but so far I have just chalked that up to him having the typical non-stop libido of a man. But I sometimes dread having to be intimate with him and make excuses to avoid sleeping with him. I love him, but I don't feel passionate about the relationship. When I travel during the week for work and don't see him for multiple days, I rarely miss him and don't like talking to him on the phone. I could easily go a long period without seeing him and be completely fine. I'm concerned about the lack of passion, but then I think passion dies in most relationships anyway so maybe this isn't an issue? Last year, I started talking to the girl that I had an online friendship with in high school again. Except that this person is now transgender (FTM) and identifies as a man. It felt like we picked up where we left off and I felt extremely close to him. We talked constantly every day as we had in high school. Whereas, I was never very excited to talk to my boyfriend on the phone when I was away from him, I wanted to talk to this friend every night if I could. We could talk and laugh for hours and I felt a deep, soulmate-type connection to him. I honestly felt very guilty about this relationship because I had started to tell this friend that I loved him and felt I was emotionally cheating on my boyfriend. At the beginning of this year, I tried to break up with my boyfriend because I was so conflicted. But I was unsure about the whole thing and he ended up convincing me that we should stay together. Unfortunately, I have again lost touch with my online friend but I miss him desperately and often think about him. I now constantly have fantasies about dating women. Even though I'm still very much in a relationship with my boyfriend, I peruse lesbian dating websites and profiles and make up fantasies in my head about being with women. I've even brainstormed what pictures and blurbs I would put up if I created my own online lesbian dating ad. I am attracted to butch lesbians and whenever I see one in passing, I get butterflies in my stomach and have a feeling of longing. I also have fantasies about being a member of the gay community. It appeals to me in a way that is perhaps strange. I love the idea of joining an LGBT social group. I know that if I stayed with my current boyfriend, we would eventually get married and have the quintessential "straight" lifestyle. I am an extremely risk averse person and I'm scared to give this up and take a chance on exploring my sexuality. What if I don't find someone I love and respect as much as my current boyfriend? What if women don't find me attractive? What if I am not sexually aroused when with a woman? And then I think about other random things like my desire to have biological children some day and how low the success rate of artificial insemination is. And I'm scared that if I come out at work, my career opportunities may suffer. I'm just so conflicted. I literally go back and forth ten times a day. One minute I'm resolute that I have to break up my boyfriend. I have to take the risk to know for sure if I'm meant to be with women. I have to at least take a chance on crazy, reckless, heart pounding, passionate love. The next minute I'm telling myself I'm crazy. I already have the perfect guy. Why would I give that up and hurt him so devastatingly for what could be just silly, fleeting, childish fantasies? I also feel a little uncomfortable because all of this is happening in my mid-twenties. I have friends who are out and went through these dilemmas years ago. I tell myself that I could easily tell my friends and family that I want to try dating women and it wouldn't be a big deal at all. But I don't know if I'm just being delusional. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel very lost and alone. I haven't talked to anybody about how I'm feeling. I just want clarity so I can make the decision and move on. Has anyone felt this way before? Do you have suggestions on how I can overcome my feelings of doubt and confusion? Thank you sincerely for your help! <3
Hi Ele and welcome to EC. As you'll see on this forum, there are plenty of us who are well beyond are 20s and dealing with coming out. We've married, had kids and tried to live the "perfect" straight life. But the little voice is always there reminding us that something isn't right and it gets louder with each year. If you're sure about your sexuality, don't wait until half your life is over, don't wait until you are forced to break your wedding vows or drag your children through a mess you have the power to avoid. Yes, the unknowns are real and scary, but facing them now will be far better than waiting until you have built a life on a lie.
Hello Ele. Welcome to EC. I very rarely will offer someone exactly what I think, (unless it's regarding my own situations) because I clearly don't know you at all, but I do feel compelled to tell you that of all the 'questioning' or 'doubting' type stories I've read since stumbling upon EC myself, your's seems the least questionable to me. Honey, as much as I'd prefer to not say it straight out, I can't help myself. You sound completely gay! Phew. Sorry. I just couldn't hold it in. Now I'll give you the same spiel I would give anyone else. (No, it's really not a spiel, it's just the more ambiguous answer to your question, almost always delivered in the form of my own life experience, hoping you'll form your own definitive opinion on how it relates to your own life. Cause obviously, only you really know best.) When I was in college I had a roommate who fought with her boyfriend all the time. I could never keep up with if they were a couple at the moment or not. And yet she still, constantly, talked about marrying him. It was completely beyond me, how she could consider marrying this guy when they couldn't get along for more than a month or two at a time without some explosive, dramatic break-up. Reading your story made me think of her - and I haven't thought of her in at least a decade! You're already lacking passion, you're already (it sounds) relieved when you travel and don't have to see, talk, be with him daily, you're already fantasizing and wishing to be with someone else, to BE someone else. Why would you consider a lifetime of this? Why would you do that to either him or yourself? Just to fit some mold? Some expectation? Because it is what comes next? Let me tell you, from someone who answered yes to all those questions when wearing those exact same shoes you're in now, if you do so, you will be condemning him, you and any of those children you so desire. And on the topic of children... don't fool yourself that just because you're in a straight relationship, that they'll just come naturally. When it comes to committing your life to another human being, even this is not nearly good enough a reason. The ONLY valid reason to do so is that one thing that seems to be eluding you. That soul-bond, that passion, that True Love. (And yes, it does deserve to be capitalized.) In this, I doubt you'll find that I'm alone in my opinion. At least not here in the "Later in Life" forum. We're all still looking for this. While, I may add, in the midst of deconstructing those relationships we settled for, as you propose settling with your current BF. So. I AM sorry if I've come off really strong and overly opinionated. Most people that post here are trying to determine if they should extricate themselves from marriages, usually with children caught in the fall-out, and I hate to tell anyone with so many lives in the balance what to do. But if I can help someone, STOP someone from being in that position somewhere down the road, I can't help but stand strong and hope that my message will get through. And then, my other standard spiel, which may actually also do to serve you in this situation if nothing else does, is to tell you that honesty is the best policy. Tell you BF exactly how you're feeling - ok, maybe not about your online friend, that may be TMI - but at the very least about the lack of passion, the relief when you're away, the longing for women. He deserves to know these things. You're talking about his future too. If you love and respect him, don't you think he deserves the right to make informed decisions about his own future? Good luck Ele. You're in a hard place, but rest assured, it's a much better place than it would be if you find yourself revisiting all of these thoughts and feelings 5, 10, 20 years down the road, as many of us here have done. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2013 at 10:56 PM ---------- BRAVO Spaceman! I wish I could learn how to deliver such a perfect point in such concise a manner. You said exactly what I was trying to, in about one tenth the words. :eusa_doh: Ele, listen to the man. He knows of which he speaks!
Whatever you do, DON'T GET MARRIED, until you have worked out who you are and what you want. This forum is full of people trying to undo some marital mistake they have made, either while confused, or due to pressure to "do something right now". Whatever you are, it is unlikely to change significantly so you do not want to get this thing wrong as others of us have done, and get other people entwined in that "mistake". Forget about what "they" think about your dating other women (because "they" usually don't think about you as much as "they" think about themselves anyway) and find out if that is where your future happiness lies; it may not be the case at all, just an alternative you are seeking because something is not right about you and your current boyfriend together. Be patient but proactive. Take the chance now, while you are legally unattached to someone and self-supporting. Don't label yourself as a this or a that, just go out and find someone who feels like your other half; then you will know who YOU are. You will overcome the confusion when you find this out, and not one day sooner.
You don't sound like you're happy in your relationship. I split up with my partner recently and had the same concerns you do about 'will I meet anyone?' and so on. But I decided that it was better to be single than be in an unhappy relationship, even if I am single forever which is frankly pretty unlikely.
I just want to add that I know multiple women who've had children via IVF or IUI (fertility treatments with donor sperm) with no problem! And I know plenty of straight couples who have dealt with heartbreaking fertility problems. I mention this because I let my desire for children and a "normal" family persuade me to marry a man. It was a disaster. Of course I love my daughter but I wish I'd known the lesbians with kids that I know now. We can have families too.
