Hi guys, as the title suggests, I'm having a bad morning, so hopefully writing my thoughts here will help me. It is Monday morning, I'm self employed, and have decided to take the day off work. Last nights sleep was filled with disturbing thoughts - I feel tormented by my sub-conscious mind. So this morning, I rise with no energy, no plans for the day ahead. I sit alone (my wife and baby have gone to yoga) and wonder what will happen. I know that I'm depressed and I know that I need to help myself. Set small goals, do some tasks, get some exercise. I am wallowing in self pity and must find the strength to be productive and more positive. 2-3 weeks after 'coming out' to my wife, friend and sister... I am now in the 'trying to accept' stage. I am struggling with this. I feel confused and bewildered. I am not sure of my self and my confidence is rock bottom. Holy cr@p, this is painful....
Hey BigEagle I feel for you bud. I was feeling very low just over a week ago. It just seemed that I had built this "perfect" life and everything was great, except that I didn't seem to fit in it - didn't belong in my own life! I felt like a stranger, looking out through someone elses eyes. I was incredibly low. This is all completely normal and part of the grieving process. I read a quote on here the other day that said something like: be all you were before and be this too. And that really made me think. I'm not a stranger in my own life (that was just a perception). I know who i am. I'm kind, i have real compassion for others, i love my family, etc. etc. i'm just going through some very "heavy" times. I need to accept myself. I need to love myself, be kind to MYSELF, be compassionate to MYSELF. Be strong BigEagle, this road is not easy and not for the faint-of-heart. But the journey to your true self will be the most rewarding journey ever. Be patient. This takes time. You are in my thoughts.
There are days when you want to hit yourself, and days when you want to hit someone else (which is my mood today). I used to think it was because I was dealing with a whole new set of emotions, but I'm beginning to think it's because of dealing with ANY emotions at all. The closet can be a very safe and comforting place, but there's also not much sound or light or feeling in it, and once that door starts to open, all those new stimuli can be pretty overwhelming. But in the end it's better than feeling nothing at all. You will get through this. We all will, and we'll be stronger and happier people for it. Take care, friend.
Thanks bidad and choirboy. I guess this is all part of the process. Being kind and compassionate to myself is something I'm not very good at. My wife is unbelievably supportive, saying if I feel depressed then it's ok to have a day off work. I'm using today to gather my thoughts and I will return to work tomorrow. As choirboy says, the closet is a safe place... But it is painful! I'm looking for a safe place without pain... And the only hope I have of finding that place is to continue my exploratory journey!
If possible, build a "care team" around you. Find the people in your life...your community, who will provide you with incredible support for the next year, or so. It was the one solid recommendation I got from the first person I came out to....and it has proven to be a lifeline. I know what those early weeks feel like, so be generous with yourself. The homophobia inside all of us was built up over a lifetime. It's going to take a while to dismantle it all, but you've taken the first, and most essential step.
have not read your other posts but wonder if you have looked in to counselling? also, it is possible depression is real - so real it is affecting your sleep
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm beginning to think that there's a strong relationship between how deeply enmeshed a person is to the normative world, and the difficulty they have accepting being queer. It's as though (if a person was married before), there's a second marriage that doesn't match--I mean the wish to be a fully accepted member of the world of the oppressors. What a terrible conflict that involves! And if that world constitutes one's reality, the only one you know--then where does one go?
Thanks everyone. Ormanout... I think i have the basis of my 'care team' in place. I have told my wife, sister and best male friend. I am on anti-depressant meds and have started counseling 3 weeks ago. I have been advised to contact the local LGBT group - when I feel ready. The idea of going down to the centre and meeting people freaks me out a bit but I guess it will help me. I am having difficulty in identifying the emotions I am feeling. I generally feel worse in the morning, its a combination of confusion, anxiety and 'wishing i was straight'! It seems like such a huge mountain to climb... but somehow, with help and support, I must keep climbing upwards. I've heard the view from the top is stunning.
I force myself into action EVERY. SINGLE.DAY. I am waiting for the day when forcing myself will no longer be necessary. Best.
Yup. ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2013 at 10:57 PM ---------- And no one noticed I was depressed. For decades.
