For about 2 weeks song in my head is Travis Tritt's 'Tell me I'm Dreaming' Fffffuuuccckkk! It annoying. So why? Maybe its the lunch I had w/ex a couple of weeks ago.He has a whole new life right away-from our house to new gf's. He started seeing her right after I got back from a No CA trip in the Spring. It's not a jealousy thing but after hearing for months before how important our vows were to him he did not even wait until I made the lawyer appt. yes I know his "manhood" took a hit w/me being gay but it really fucked up our son when he started staying over at her place right away. One day he said "I'm washing my hands of you" No one in his family speaks to me. He only came to lunch because I said it was about our son. I feel disposable if that makes sense. I may be gay but he was in love with someone else when we got married. We moved so he could get over her. New woman is exactly like one before we got married except she is a former drug addict. Now he looks like one. He says its because they share food stamps... So why do I miss him???? Or maybe that's just a good "I'm depressed" song? :help:
Maybe what you miss is not him, per se, but what your life was within the comfortable cocoon of a marriage, no matter how difficult or numb it was. In times like these, remind yourself of your own signature!
Thanks gw. I think that marriage was the biggest lie. No one ever asked me if I was gay ever but how many times did I say how great he was. Made excuses for him when he left the room when my family visited or we were visiting them.Told him I loved him even though he never said it back. I may not have been 'in-love' with him but I did love him. He knows every detail of my life and threw every painful thing I'd shared with him back at me this Spring/summer. And he said that made him feel better. I feel like a total loser.
How is loving someone being a total loser? You loved him, he acted, and is acting, like an ass, it's not your fault. Surely there is one central theme here at EC: the heart wants what it wants. The only crime is not listening to it.
That's what I told myself at 19 when I fell in-love w/a beautiful Irish girl summer of '87.... Ok fine! gw-You made me smile. Thank you. (*hug*)
Hey Rose. It's no small wonder that it hurts. After everything you gave to him, did for him, and took on for him, he repaid you by hitting you where he knew it would hurt most then making you feel completely disposable. To avoid using any of the choice words floating around my head right now to describe him, I'll just say that he sounds like the kind of guy who never deserved to have you defending him to everyone else. Then I'll point out how, that being the case, you are so much better off without him. So why does it hurt so much now, after that's all behind you, when you hear about how he's moved on? From the way you describe your relationship, wouldn't anyone wonder why you married him in the first place? Just a stab in the dark, but from the way you described your relationship with him, I wonder if you have a bit of a missionary complex? A saving-people thing? Was he your greatest project? And maybe now that he's acting like he doesn't need you saving him, it hurts? Especially when you look at him, looking like a junkie, and you're probably struggling against the inherent need to try saving him yet again. Honey, I'd say put it behind you. Time to turn your saving people thing in the direction it needs to go, in on yourself. You've already sacrificed enough for him and look what he did with it - ended up right back where he started. He doesn't deserve your concern, let alone getting yourself upset over him. Time to let it go. Redirect all that energy toward building your fabulous new future. Maybe another beautiful Irish girl?
I usually try to be more subtle in my replies, but all I can think of to say to you is "Drop this loser like a bad habit." He is, you know. And it has nothing to do with your being gay.
I know your right DragonBait. I felt more lonley w/him than I do now. We had a weird relationship from the start. He always said he was "a fixer" but he never fixed anything. Never supported the family emotionally or financially. Reality sucks! As for the beautiful Irish girl I have found freckles, deep blue eyes and an accent are still a weakness. Any accent. Maybe after my son graduates I'll buy a tiny Irish cottage.... ---------- Post added 14th Oct 2013 at 10:38 AM ---------- Thanks Yossarian. You reminded me of a Buddhist quote: “Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” Buddha
Rose- I have not mentioned this to anyone bc I was embarrassed to bring it up. I told my husband I was gay in may. I told him I wanted a divorce in June. He acted just as yours did with the same " I meant our vows" nonsense ( I say nonsense bc at 23 I meant them too). Guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip. I've become angry about it... Right up until the day when- after working all night I lay in bed.. Look over and see his wedding ring and a ring I bought him in college stacked together at the bedside. They were left for me to see... And when I did I wept the rest of the day. It's a loss. In my case the loss was of family, the image of what I'd worked so hard to create. I think it may be easier if my husband found someone else, but there will be pain then too. After all, in my mind I will see it as being replaceable. This is the crux of the problem in our marriage now. My husband loves when I clean the house cook the meals take care of the kids cut the grass and maintain our house as a home.. Oh yeah and he would like it if I slept with him too ( which I haven't in almost a year).. But the me part.. The part that wants someone to intellectually challenge me.. The part that wants a companion to ski with golf with bike with... He has been quite uninterested in that part for a long long time. I wept for the loss. I wept bc I felt disposable. I wept bc the me that I consider myself to be would never fall into such a stereotypical role-- even though I did. I'm sorry he is acting like an idiot. Good luck to the woman who takes on that hot mess. Thank God you got out and took the best part of him with you--your son. And 'As you slide down the bannister of life, let the splinters not point the wrong way ( anymore)'--an Irish proverb Slainte.
Lovetoski - so much of what you posted sounded so very familiar. My wife is still in the picture for now, but is giving me the 3rd degree whenever we're alone and doing her best to guilt me about messing up her life. Let's see, she married an unemployed drunk who beat her up (or so the narrative goes--I think that may have been more of a mutual thing) and took what little money I had. I was always there when it was 1:00 am and she needed someone to talk to because she didn't know where he was or what he would do to her when he got home. I financed the divorce and the meager apartment that she moved into after they split, and married her, thinking that there was this incredible person behind all the hurt and history. Since then I've never stood in her way when she wanted to do ANYTHING, running clubs, fundraisers, quit a job to take something lower paying that she supposedly wanted to do more, etc. Even used money from my dad to fund a shop for her, since her supposed dream was to own her own business. But she was so disorganized she didn't pay the bills half the time, so I ended up being the one doign the work behind the scenes, and she ran the place so far into the ground that we are still in a world of hurt. Which she feels guilty about, but is "too busy" to get a full-time job to help pay for it. My reward for all that was to get criticized because I wasn't as good at x, y, z as her friends' husbands. Couldn't basically rebuild the house, couldn't afford to take her on cruises, didn't beg her for sex 2-3 times a day. What I have done is become the quiet guy behind her who writes up her newsletters and reports and emails and cleans up after her banquets and carts things around for her fundraisers. I stopped doing anything that made myself visible because it hurt her self-esteem to see me shine, and she pushed every guilt button I have to stop me from being involved with anything that didn't center around her. And the few things I did do, like singing, were always subject to some form of criticism. Like your husband, Lovetoski, she likes it when I do things. But the "me" part isn't important to her. Coming out wasn't on my "bucket list" and I was fully prepared to bury any feelings for guys, forever, in the interest of a happy traditional marriage. I still don't think she realizes how big a hand she had in pushing me out of the closet with her mood swings and selfish behavior. This past weekend she put a lot of effort into reminding me of how much I was screwing up her life by telling her I was gay and that I would eventually be leaving. (She also threatened to find a "sugar daddy" and walk out on me, which made me laugh out loud and say "You call THAT a THREAT???") But the fact remains that I married her because I loved her, and I was fully committed to her, and I'm not coming out because I want to mess up her life. But I have finally started understanding how much I have messed up MY life by catering to someone who can't give back, and if I'm going to break those vows, I'm going to make sure that any potential Take 2 is the right personality AND the right gender for me.
The laughing heart your life is your life don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission. be on the watch. there are ways out. there is a light somewhere. it may not be much light but it beats the darkness. be on the watch. the gods will offer you chances. know them. take them. you can’t beat death but you can beat death in life, sometimes. and the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be. your life is your life. know it while you have it. you are marvelous the gods wait to delight in you. Charles Bukowski (&&&)(&&&)(&&&)
^What a perfect poem for this thread, Rose. As St-Exupéry said: It's with the heart that we see the truth most clearly.
My friends, I was out about town today and I felt different. I've been anxious about the possibility of being outed to sports team parents later on this week in a quiet gossipy way. I've told myself and y'all I don't care who knows I'm gay but I think it was in a defensive way almost trying to convince myself. Today I felt deep down its ok I'm gay. I love women. I love me. Thank you for your words, support, & kindness. Rose (&&&)
