Hello EC community :smilewave I know that many of us in this forum are in the various stages of grief, loss, conflict, guilt, identity reforming/building, acceptance and a much longer list than I'll make you all read. There are good things here too. Sometimes the best medicine is to focus on those things. To rebalance mood and perspective. So, what is something or two that you have learned about yourself in the process of coming out? Or what are some things you suspect about yourself as you consider coming out? What is something you've been holding back and just want to let into the light of day? _____ I'll start. I love writing but I've had writers block for three years straight. That, it turns out, was the problem. My fingers needed a bit of rainbow powering. I cannot write if I cannot explore all of me, and this friends, this late 30's gay man, this is all of me. So now, I realize it is gone, mostly from engaging in EC dialogue. Of course, I am a bit rusty and have some serious stagnant inertia to overcome. That's just a question of forming good habits again. I've always been slightly shy of conflict. Scared to get caught. Irrational, I know. Now, now I am tired of taking other people's crap. My boundaries are reforming at lightening speed because I actually finally feel I am worth the effort of not being walked all over. ______ Now come on, my stories are boring. Yours are not :icon_wink
Here's something from Dante's Inferno (I'm being a bit tricksterish tonight): Just halfway through life's journey I reawoke to find myself in a dark wood Far off course, the right way lost. How hard it is to tell what this Wild, harsh, forbidding wood was like Whose merest memory brings back my fear; For only death exceeds its bitterness. But I found goodness there; I'll deal with that As I describe the various things I saw. :icon_wink
There are actually many good things on this site. Most post responses are very positive and encouraging. I know that the support I received here was a life saver for me. I love this site though I cannot access it every day. The posts do often contain expressions of grief, sadness, and guilt but the responses are excellent!
What have I learned about myself? I can have fun, and I can be fun. Somehow, I had lost that over the years. People who never said much to me are starting up lengthy conversations. My daughter said to me today, "My friends love you, Dad. They think you're nice and funny and hip" (a word I NEVER would have imagined ANYONE using to describe me!) I seem to be a person again. It's really kind of shocking.
I'm starting to believe in me... I'm treating myself with greater kindness and compassion... I'm using more of the crayons... While still alone, the journey doesn't always feel quite as lonely.
Palimpsest: I LOVE the term "rainbow powering"! HA! I'm glad you're not taking other people's shit anymore. It sounds like coming out has doubly meant that you've come into your own. I guess my big change is similar to Choirboy's. I feel like I'm interesting now! I don't have to rely on other people's love lives for conversation fodder anymore. I am a WHOLE person, with actual experiences that can be shared and interpreted among my new gay friends. (And hopefully, among my straight friends too, one of these days...) In short, I feel like I'm no longer just a prop for the digestion of others' stories.
A few add ons and thanks for participating notes here: I went for a run, and greatwhale reminds me for the second, or third, time today that things formerly off limits don't have to be anymore. Bully for you! Lindsay11, being amongst people, whether virtually or actually, who actually get life the same way you do is such pleasant and phenomenal change... Choirboy, you are fun. It is good to be fun. Sometimes, when I release my permanent tenseness, I can be fun too! Nothing like a touch of the gay to loosen me up. Especially on those days when I simply revel in it. I really do make an uptight ass as a straight guy! sagebrush, your not utterly alone, and color is a great addition to life. BackgroundExtra, that is what I want, rainbow powered wholeness! ____ New addition to my things, I love the fact that I said to myself "hey I'm gay" and then lost a sh*t load of weight without even trying. Magical.
Or what are some things you suspect about yourself as you consider coming out? I suspect my true self is much more feminine than they guy I have pretended to be for the last 32 years. Just since being on here I have caught myself singing a ton of songs by female artists (Bobby McGhee by Janis Joplin or Fast Car by Tracy Chapman are my most common ones). And I catch myself doing more 'feminine' types of movements when I walk or dance (If thats what you want to call my erratic movements lol). So maybe there is a little fem in this big masculine redneck after all? BTW: If you tell anybody I said this I'll deny it :roflmao:
Love this. I second the "losing weight without trying when you came out" thing. This happened to me as well. I also had a lot of anxiety just fade away And a lifelong shopping addiction disappear overnight. I, like a lot of you, also have boundaries popping up, not afraid to talk to anyone or say NO. I feel comfortable in my body for the first time ever.
Since coming out to myself I have realized that it's never too late to change the direction of your life. I will not settle. I am enrolled in a masters program (just started this fall) and hope to obtain my doctorate within the next 4 yrs
There are several things that have improved in my life since coming out. Although I was in pretty good shape, I am now in the gym four days per week and have a personal trainer. I haven't felt this good for quite a long while. I am significantly more emotionally and mentally alert. Numbing out to avoid the pain of being in the closet for so long doesn't always involve alcohol or drugs....sometimes it's just letting yourself go quiet and withdraw from the world around you. Not anymore!!! And, finally, I am paying more attention to how I dress myself. With my working out and dressing more consciously, I am both looking and feeling fabulous!
