I'm not even sure where to begin, really. I'm 28 and recently realized and accepted that I am, in fact, gay. Two months ago, I got engaged to my girlfriend of five years, thinking this is exactly where I see my life going. I love her very much. The problem is I've had issues for more than half my life with social anxiety, low self esteem and depression. I love her but have never loved myself at all and she knows all about my struggles. After I proposed, I promised I would find myself and who I am so that I can be a loving partner for her. Upon self-reflection, I realized that most of these issues were caused by repressed homo-erotic feelings and attractions that I would never admit to having. I've definitely always had an internalized homophobia, thinking that there is no place in the world for someone like me and I should never, ever tell another soul. I wrote it off as a phase or a projection of the desire to have a close friendship with another guy. I've always kind of push other guys away though out of fear that I might become attracted to them and would therefore be gay. So I've never had any close guy friends and found girls much easier to talk to. Since the moment I finally acknowledged the fact I had same sex attraction and am probably at least bi, it feels like the flood gates are open and there's no return. I am no longer attracted to women, really. Don't get me wrong, I recognize their beauty, but it does nothing for me at all. I actually find myself wanting to have an emotional as well as physical connection to another man for the first time. Now I'm lost. I know in my heart that I'm gay and I've been existing and not living for the past 16 years. I love this girl that I asked to marry me and we're great together (except the sex). I don't want to hurt her and the thought kills me, I just keep thinking, "Why me?" But I also know I won't be living if I don't start being who I really am. I'm not even sure if I'm okay with being gay yet but it feels like a time-bomb. I really need to talk to someone non-judgmental about all of this. I think deep down that it all begins with honesty, then the rest will fall into place. My mom tends to chastise me whenever I try to talk to her about anything important, so I want to come out to someone else first. My finance and I have few friends that aren't mutual. I think my step-mom would be a good place to start since she has a gay nephew and has always kind of "got" me. My dad is much more open about things and generally more relaxed since he remarried. My brother and I aren't really close at all. Sorry for the long post, but I really need help before I: A) hurt anyone, or B) make a huge mistake. I'm also scared I won't ever find anyone I love as much as my finance, and will end up alone forever. What do you guys think? :bang::help:
Hey nykurg, welcome to EC! At the very least, as soon as you can, suspend everything and any commitments you have made to her. It will be difficult, she will be hurt, but nothing like the hurt that I many others here are going through after long and difficult marriages. Count yourself very fortunate that you are where you are now. It is NOT a huge mistake to avoid the world of trouble you are on the precipice of. You feel love for your fiancée, but I suspect it's nothing like the love you may feel for a man. Forget all the people who would question you, forget all the reactions you think others may have. Concentrate on you and how you feel about this possibility. You're right about the honesty part, things will fall into place; more importantly, you need to think about her welfare and how she needs and deserves someone who loves her whole-heartedly, without reserve. If you love her, you will need to be honest with her especially. Read our posts, read those in this sub-section especially and take our word for it, the sting of releasing her now will be nothing compared to what we have gone through.
Thank you for your response. It's odd reading this and realizing it's about me, but I know I need to hear it. I need to heal from this pain that I'm in right now. It's almost like I've never felt emotion before until a few weeks ago. I need to be honest with her but I also need some sort of support system in place before I tell her, even if it is eating away at my brain.
Welcome to the world of feeling! Hooray for the death of numbness! Please don't find excuses for delaying what is necessary, it's her life too, just remember that. We're here for you, this is your support system, tell a friend too if you can, be brave and be true to who you are! I know, it's scary as hell. You're clinging desperately to the rope that's still keeping you attached to a safe harbour. But beautiful ships were not built to stay in a harbour...
Hi nykurg. You've written the story of my life with one exception... you still have time to do the right thing before entangling a wife and kids in a situation that can't end happily. It sounds like you know what you need to do and that is wonderful! Don't lose your momentum. Learn from us older folks who wish we could turn back the clock and be in your shoes. Focus on living the life you know you were meant to live.
You're right. She's my best friend and means the world to me. I can't bear hurting her but I have enough self-respect not to condemn myself to a life of misery. I think I just need to get over the possibility I may end up alone. Being true to myself is most important. It's her life too and she deserves the truth and the chance to make up her own mind about everything. Not sure how my family will take it because they seem happy for me being engaged and all. My suspicion though is that probably they always suspected something about me even if I wouldn't acknowledge my own feelings. Thanks for your input!
The hurt she will feel now is miniscule compared to what it will be if you get married, start a family and then realize you can no longer live a lie. Believe me, I speak from experience. You know what you need to do and you are on the right path. Keep going and don't look back!
Amen. I wish that I had been able to accept my feelings about being gay before I got married and had a child. It's confusing, because I regret the decision to ignore my feelings and get married; but my daughter means more to me than anything... had I not gotten married, she wouldn't be a part of my life.
I know what you mean drs. I can't imagine a world without my kids in it. They are so precious, amazing and pure, and they are a big part of what's inspired me to come out. They deserve a dad who is fully engaged in life... both theirs and his own. And there's no way I can be that dad without being the real me.
You are not alone. Take advice from all above me. You are lucky to realize all this before getting into the marriage.it will still be hard because you have been together for years. Wish you the best.
Nykurg, I agree with everything that's already been said. I suggest that you sit down with your stepmom. She knows the intricacies of your life better than most, and is obviously sympathetic towards you. Letting another person in is KEY. Talk to her, and then act. Don't get married with all this uncertainty hovering over you. Let us know what happens.
You've come to the right place for support and good advice. Although it may be very difficult to accept, if you have doubt or confusion now it needs to be resolved. I tried to accept my sexuality 10-12 years ago and failed miserably (I chose to repress). Now at the age of 40, married for 5 years and have a young baby - I am facing these emotions that have troubled me for my entire adult life. I have not yet fully accepted that I am gay, but I have started the process which is a positive move in the right direction. Good luck and I hope you find the strength and clarity needed to do what's right for you.
I feel your pain. Like others have said even though it hurts, it's better to be dealing with it now. I'm currently married with 2 kids and I'm only staring to not be numb to the floodgate of feelings like you are starting to have. I don't know what the future holds for me but I can tell you that I'm glad that I found this community to help me figure it all out.
