OK, I am finding that I am at the crossroads on a fairly important decision and would like to request some outside opinions. The process of coming out of the closet is well under way and I have no intention of doing in this only part way. I don't have a time frame because I don't feel I need one (except on the days when I want to run down the street yelling I'm gay). As some of you know, my current career is that of pastor. I am in a distinct conflict of interest on this one professionally without making some changes. Repression and denial are out. No more pretending, I've tasted what honesty can do and I'll not cheapen it any further in my life. While lurking and plotting my entrance into EC life I came to the conclusion that I wasn't even going to share about this part of me. I decided that I needed a break from the whole thing, which I do. That said, once I got around to actually signing up I had enough time to realize I was emptying part of me out of one closet while plotting to put another part of me into one. Couldn't do it. I have not worked out where I am in with the whole topic. Sufficient to say that for a while at least, I don't think I should be in the pulpit. I won't elaborate on that now, ask me if you'd like and I'll discuss it. So, here is where I am stuck. What do I do? Just walking away and ignoring the friction between two critical elements of me is not wise. I think I want closure on the ministry front. I am certainly concerned that the value of my theological work, especially what has come from my time being a pastor of an international congregation overseas for the last few years, will be completely ignored once I'm unambiguously out. Not because my work sucks, I take a higher view of the things I've learned and developed than that, especially since most of it resolves trying to help the church, which has become a bit dickish, embrace the fringe of our collective cultures (not just LGBTQ here) through hospitality and rediscovering compassion for people as apposed to hatred of issues. I have the opportunity to do just this, by contract, to do some part time development work (which is my real talent anyway) and hand it off. This would be good closure for me. It would come at the cost of keeping a lid on myself in those circle for 6-12 months. Yet, I feel it is still a little untrue. So take the religion out of this if that is not your thing. Look at this objectively if you can. What are your thoughts? PS, I am going to start blogging after I post this so that I can stop dragging my own reconciling issues into the forums. That way its there if someone wants to see it but not here because I'm bursting at the seems to get it worked out. Though, I still reserve the right to rant, especially when I get into my special bitchy mood.
Couple of thoughts: 1. Check out GCN (Gay Christian Network) on the web. I think you will find it supportive. 2. Read the book "Torn" Saving the Gospel from the Gay vs Christian Debate by Justin Lee 3. Call Justin Lee and see if he is hiring on his development team. I love Norcal too, but North Carolina is nice as well! Just random thoughts... :icon_bigg
Well, to put a biblical reference into the mix, insofar as this Jew (and former Catholic immersed in the young catechism of a religious school) can relate to what you are saying, you may indeed have to "bow in the house of Rimmon" (2 Kings 5:18-19) for a while yet. Blasphemous though I may be, I can still the ironic use of this reference! Making radical changes are part and parcel of coming out, but it seems to me the timetable has to be reasonable. As for the internal conflict of interest, I may have a book for you: Wrestling with God and Man - Homosexuality in the Jewish Tradition, by Rabbi Steven Greenberg. As it deals with that troublesome chapter in Leviticus (you know the one) it goes into a lot of the issues with homosexuality common to both religions. I think it makes sense to have an intermediate-term plan in order to make your transition as smooth as possible and to do good work in the meantime. It is commendable that you take integrity seriously, but a good dose of wisdom doesn't hurt. Transitions require strategy and planning, what we call in business "change management". So that's my advice, for what it's worth.
Thank you again that you shared what you are going through. It's great o know that I'm not the only one that struggles with the spiritual identity part of being gay. Please let me know of you do find some good resources too. I'll be interested in them as we'll. I'll have to see oft he above book are on Amazon.
I'm with greatwhale on this, and also have to say that the Kings quote sent me straight into the gutter. "House of Rimmon?" And people think God has no sense of humor! In addition to his points about transition, another thing to consider is that you can shake things up more from the inside of an organization than the outside. The more of a mark you can leave in your church during that transition period, the more jarring it will be for THEM when you go public, and the more likely that someone, even if it's just one or two people, might reconsider how they think. This is a hell of a time to suggest altruism, but it's possible that there could be a purpose to this.
Well, Choirboy is with Greatwhale, but I'm with Choirboy on this. If you can do more and in the process affect the way even one person thinks, then you should do it. And I don't feel at all hypocritical in writing this immediately after blogging about life being too short. Your vocation is not about your sexuality, it's about the impact you can have on the minds, hearts and spirituality of us mere mortals. I'm not suggesting you put off the private parts of your life, just that you keep them private while you seize your chance to make an impact on humanity. Lord knows humanity is in dire need of a wake up call right now. And I'm all about change from within vs radical activism. I think that's what causes long lasting change. Some may call it subversive, I prefer passive aggressive, you can call it whatever you like. Just make it affective. Good luck!
I may be misinterpreting exactly what you are asking but I'm all about taking stances for what I think is right. I'm with CB. Possibly you will have more of an impact from within the church rather then outside. Possibly that is your calling. We have somewhat discussed this. The whole where do we fit in or God's plan for us. Are you trying to figure out too many things at once? Only you know. Some things can't be answered or resolved until something else takes place first. Cart before horse thing. Wink..Wink.. Then again maybe I'm totally off here. Wouldn't be the first time.
What denomination are you in? I am Episcopalian and, in some dioceses (is that the correct plural of diocese?) and parishes, we have openly gay pastors. We call them "rectors." The bishop of Los Angeles is an out, partnered lesbian. She presided over the Pride Eucharist service at my church here in Atlanta last week. Many gay and allied clergy participated in the service. My church's welcoming of all people, specifically including LGBT people, made me feel and believe that we are all beloved children of God. The congregation at my church is predominantly straight but our straight rectors preach on LGBT acceptance fairly regular. Makes for a friendly place and hopefully changes some closed minds & hearts.
Perfectly said bassmaster. Palimsest if it makes any difference, you have had a great impact on me personally with your posts. It would be a loss to any person with faith not to have someone like you as a resource. You are perfectly imperfect and the only one (in Christian authority so to speak) who has linked the me now with the one who I was before I figured all of this out. "The shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved Was the same that sent me into Your arms."--mumford & sons
Thanks one and all for the posts so far. NortherCoast, I am familiar with Justin's work. I stumbled across him first a really long time ago in my first year at the seminary when my subconscious really started to try to get my attention. Been stewing on doing just as you mentioned, but have really been struggling with separating things out into manageable parts. I didn't think I'd be trying to work on this subject at this time. So I will reach out at some point I am sure. GW, the intermediate plan sounds good, that is in part, what I am working on. Thanks for the continued, how did you put it, gayducation. Tommyj, welcome to this side of the forum, saw your note on my wall, we'll talk soon. CB and DB, reforming church from the inside/outside is an interesting debate. Something I've also thought about. Being defrocked is no fun, and not an experience I am really up for. Playing a semantics games on what constitutes being disqualified for ministry is a game I could fight quite well, my other callings in life could have been politician/lawyer. I will not be passive aggressive. I am an irenic and I've added the aggressive portion to that identity to remind myself that it is past time to take an active non-sneaky approach to life. Bassmaster (sorry, can't bring myself to call you BM), callings. Don't know how I feel about those, but yes, that and about a 1000 variables are floating through my mind. Among them too are money and a roof over my family's heads. Wether I like it or not, I will have to work on multiple fronts here all at the same time. HF, I'm Lutheran, but not of the variety that allows for the ordination of homosexuals. That is another plan I'm chewing on, moving my roster status over. Its funny though, more than half of this tension is really politically driven and I don't like when politics distracts from ministry because it keeps people and real issues from being the most important facet; and let's face it, for me it has always been about the people. Lovetoski, I have to begin my homeschooling day (as if that doesn't make my little modern cleaver family all the more interesting), so please, no more attempts at making me cry. I appreciate your words, I really really do.
I went to an ELCA Church in grad school and I'm pretty sure our Pastor was a lesbian : ) ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 02:11 PM ---------- I want to add that it would be a real loss for you to give up your vocation altogether. We need you!
Rev. Mary Douglass Glasspool, the first lesbian Episcopal bishop was the rector of my child hood church. A great rolemodel although I had already left the church. I believe the spiritual community could use your voice one way or another. Are you considering putting your coming out on hold for now? I came out aethiest a few years ago. Actually very similar to the process I am going through now. I can say many of the same things.... like "I have known since childhood." Actually I knew I was atheist long before anything else. I was only 4 or 5. Lucky for me I have no religious hang ups to get over. I can't imagine having to take on this journey while having a belief system telling me its wrong. And on top of that have my career all wrapped up too. That being said I could never suggest someone try to take on there church while coming out. Its a winning strategy to throw out the rabble rousers I guess. Some places just don't like change.
Just an update on today. Closed down one opportunity to serve as a full-time pastor. Can't go back and pretend for an indefinite period of time that I am not gay. Could have done it even a year ago, can't do it moving forward. Working on the other ideas now. Your thoughts have all been really helpful, even if some of them push me to face a unified me faith + gay sooner than I wanted to deal with it. Such is life.
