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Relationship with spouse (after coming out)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bigeagle, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. bigeagle

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    Hi guys,

    It's been 3-4 weeks since I told my wife 'I think I might be gay'. She has been supportive and we are slowly talking more about my thoughts and emotions etc.

    In terms of physical/sexual attraction, I am not interested. Since the 'coming out' I have been sleeping in the spare room - which has given us both space to be alone. We have the occasional hug and peck on the cheek but nothing more.

    I presume my perception of her has now changed. She still has lovely blue eyes, a nice big smile and she really is a kind and loving woman. But I guess my illusion has been shattered.

    Not sure if this makes sense, its a bit waffly!

    Was just wondering if others can relate to this...?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    I am sure others among us here can relate to what you are saying better than I can. As for myself, even in the depths of contempt for each other, while I was still living with her, I would catch a glimpse of my wife and remember why I married her in the first place.

    The phrase "seeing is believing" is inaccurate, rather the phrase "I wouldn't have seen it if I didn't believe it" is more the case in reality.

    What you now believe about yourself will of course affect how you see things and the people around you. You can still appreciate her beauty and her grace and yet realize that the sexual component is not there.

    This is exactly what being gay is all about.
     
  3. bigeagle

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    Thanks great whale. I guess that's what I'm trying to understand - when I met her, I saw so much beauty in her eyes/smile/personality that I fell in love with her.

    So... I would say I still love her but the attraction is now less. Is it generally believed that a gay man cannot TRUELLY LOVE a woman...? Is that what I need to grasp...?
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Here is what I wrote earlier about this issue (edited slightly from the original):

    The question that bugs us always is: how could we? How could we get married and have kids "knowing" all along that we were at least, less than straight.

    Fact is, we loved our wives, not knowing how much more we could love men. We accepted that feeling of love and took it as normal, not knowing that the love we could feel for men could be so much less forced, so much less a construct and so much more authentic. And so we accepted that as love and, because feelings and desires are part of the muck of the psyche, we tended to dismiss them as being either temporary or unimportant: biting the bullet and just doing what "normal" guys are expected to do.
     
  5. Rose27

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    Speaking of spouse attraction (or lack of)
    In May husband asked if my not being attracted to him sexually was because he had lost 50lbs & lost his "man boobs" Yes he really asked me that!
     
  6. greatwhale

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    :roflmao: Fortunately I am not drinking coffee, or it would have been sprayed in all directions :lol:
     
  7. bigeagle

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    Holy cr@p! MOOBS!
     
  8. flymetothemoon

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    Although I was not married at the time of coming out, I can relate to this post somewhat. I was living with a man I had been with for 3 years when I came out. Like greatwhale said, it wasn't that I didn't love him or care for him. I very much did, which made things harder. I loved him more than I had loved any other man before, and because of that, I truly did think we were going to get married. We were looking at rings and starting family planning and all. People have said to me how could you let him think you loved him enough to start a family with him when you are not straight. What they don't understand is that I did love him enough to start a family with him. Had I not learned I could love a woman more than him, I truly believe we would be married today. But when I did learn that, it was only fair to him to end things. I think the fact that I did love him only made it harder to do so, but it also made me realize it was the right thing.
     
  9. bigeagle

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    flymetothemoon... thanks for your comments. When you came out, had you already found love with a woman? I have never had strong feelings for a man - most probably because I have been supressing my 'gayness' for a long time!
     
  10. tommyj

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    Wow this is exactly how I feel. I'm still in the process of figuring out what I'm going to tell my wife but this statement describes how I feel about my wife.

    Thanks for sharing
     
  11. OneSpirit

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    When I came out to my husband - it absolutely changed how I felt. I use to joke that "I just said 'I'm gay' too many times and that's what did it." But really, that's not far off. The more I talked about "the whole gay thing" the more violently I reacted to the thought of being physical with a man. My husband would make a comment and then say "You're making your "yuck" face again". I wouldn't even notice it.
    I still find my husband very attractive, I should say that. He has gorgeous eyes and smile...
    We went through a period of time where we talked about trying to see if we could work it out, stay together, because there is a lot of good there, but the conclusion we came to is that even if I "maybe, could make it through" the physical part- yeah, that was the big red flag for us - he deserves someone who NEEDS to be with him, can't help themselves...
    And unfortunately that's how I am with women, not men.
    It's a way confusing process, especially when there's been a good relationship there. I hope something in my babbling has helped a little.
     
    #11 OneSpirit, Oct 16, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2013
  12. bigeagle

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    Your babbling makes a lot of sense! Its a very confusing time right now. I am slowly starting to explore my 'gay side'. The idea of physical contact with a guy freaks me out - I guess it will take a while for me to break down my internalised homophobia!
     
  13. Tyler1

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    OneSpirit, I've been there. Once I allowed myself to have my first experience with a guy I knew there was no going back. I could pretend mentally, but physically I was pretty much done with women after that. The thought of physical relations with any woman just seemed gross to me afterwards.It wouldn't be fair to the other person not to give 100%, I just couldn't do it. I was gay period, not Bi, not straight, mentally and physically I needed to be with a man. I know I am much happier, I can only hope my former GF is also. Lost touch afterwards.
     
  14. Lovetoski

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    One spirit-- perfectly said. Need. That is what you should have. I have read a lot of posts here about how did we know? Can you be sure? Doubting questioning rationalizing our lives with these feelings that are so consuming. I, admittedly, am the ass on this site that did cheat. I am not proud of that fact. I was the coward who tested the waters before jumping in ( although I had fallen deeply in love with the woman in question). That being said I can only explain it like this: when I had sex with my husband it was perfunctuary. The point was climax. I had mastered this completely (the act was rarely longer than ten minutes). Whereas, sex with my girlfriend is all encompassing. I am completely aroused from head to toe-- the experience is never long enough and I always crave more..this is true even if I do not climax. The desire I have for her more closely resembles need. My (soon to be ex) husband is a lovely person and a good father, but I don't need a damn thing from him.
     
  15. ormanout

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    Those who know my story are aware that my wife and I are in de-coupling therapy. It's not easy, but a very necessary step. I am still and may always be a bit "in love" with her. It's totally possible for gay persons to love straight persons, but as the wise and wonderful "greatwhale" says, we never fully realized how much more we could love someone of our same gender. I still feel the tug of my heart towards my wife, but I also feel the attraction towards a more authentic way of being. My hope is that we can always protect and cherish that which we were....even when we are no longer one.
     
  16. flymetothemoon

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    I hadn't necessarily found love yet, but I had found a woman that I at least had a great deal of interest for. I did end up marrying her, and she is the love of my life, but at that point I didn't know yet that it was love. It was having those feelings that led me to really question things, and eventually to come out to him, though.