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Married and bi: can it work long term?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BiDad3, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. BiDad3

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    So, it's been 3 months since I came out to my wife. During this period I have met a wonderful man and we have been hanging out and taking it slow. It has been amazing to experience how full and fulfilling a relationship with a man can be. Before i met my bf i thought gay relationships would just be about having your physical needs met, but this relationship has surpassed every expectation I ever had.

    My wife is aware of my bf and is supportive. I am seeing a therapist and we will be going for couples counseling in the near future.

    I am still very attracted to my wife and we have at times been closer during the last 3 months than we've ever been, but at other times it feels like we are slowly drifting apart. I know that all of this is still new to us and we are finding our new normal, but some days (like today), I just wonder if this will actually all work out in the end. Can a bisexual ever really have all his needs met? Can my wife ever really accept this, won't she just get to a point where she wants out rather??

    Sometimes life is just sooooo hard!

    I would love to hear from fellow EC members that have been in similar situations. Thanks.
     
  2. bigeagle

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    Hi Bidad3... can I ask you, before you came out to your wife had you been having 'relationships' with guys? When you say your attracted to your wife, is this in intimate sexual way or attracted as in 'safe and secure'...?
     
  3. June Cleaver

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    None of us can speak for your wife, but as a woman and my last partner also was bi and wanted the same type of relationship where he could have both and here is how I felt, which may help you understand what feelings she might have or understand them if you see something simmulair going on with her. The worst part of him being with someone else was this terrible feeling every time that he would find that special person who could take him from me. I felt by him looking for someone else, that he knew I was not the one for him. This caused horrible insecurity for me which caused strife in our relationship. At first I would try to outdo whoever by being the best wife ever, then hide in my shell the next day with the shear feeling of hopelessness. This is while I still felt love for him. After many other people had been with him my love for him just eroded away until one day it was gone. (Like where you feel so good about your relationship with him, you can't hide that joy from her and it is not her causing those feelings.) That day was the morning after the first time I had to watch him have sex with another woman and saw something in his reaction that made me know he wanted her more than me. This left my hart broken and I cried all night and the next morning the love was just gone and I felt cold inside. Then I met his cousin and fell madly in love with him unintentionally as my heart was open. I just did not know how to get out of the situation as I felt trapped, dependent on him in some way as some types of women can about a man. There were more reasons I felt this about him emotionally which I hope is not the same, but you do have that marriage bond which might give her a similar feeling of attachment. I really hope you are able to find yourself and can make the right decisions for you. June
     
  4. confuzzled82

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    There are few people who really are up for polyamorous relationships. I would suspect that if you are polyamorous, and she isn't, there are likely going to be relationship problems that result.
     
  5. AwesomGaytheist

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    I only know one openly bisexual person who is married to a man, and she says that they love it when a girl turns both their heads. You just have to work with it.
     
  6. Of course marriage can work long-term for someone who’s bi. Your problem isn’t that you’re bi, it’s that you’re polyamorous and want to be polygamous. Can polygamy work? Well, it works in some societies, but often without real consent on both sides.

    Many (but clearly not all) people seem to be monoamorous by nature, so can only be in love with one person at a time. That’s probably why monogamy is such a common social institution. I’m very strongly monoamorous, for example, so would absolutely reject polygamy on either side.

    I’m bi as well, but that only means the set of people I can fall in love with isn’t limited to one sex. It doesn’t mean I can be in love with multiple people at once (I know I absolutely can’t), or that I have any need for sexual contact with both sexes (I haven’t – either sex is fine, as long as we can make each other happy).

    The question for you is whether your multiple partners will accept that you’re polyamorous. If they will, you’re fine. If they won’t, you’ll have to choose one and accept monogamy, or find other partners. This would be exactly the same if you were straight and wanted multiple wives, gay and wanted multiple husbands, etc.
     
  7. BiDad3

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    Thanks for the feedback guys, i really appreciate it.

    I think every person expresses their sexuality differently. For me being bi is feeling the need to be with men AND with women. Not at the same time, rather at different times to fulfill different parts of me - and not just sexually. To answer BigEagle, i am still attracted to my wife sexually and our sex life is probably as good as it's ever been. I didn't meet up with guys before coming out to her, the need to experience male love was one of the driving forces.

    I'm not interested in hook-ups, i want a monogamous male relationship and a monogamous female relationship - if that makes sense. Sometimes i feel like that should be possible, but on other days I just feel like it's a pipe dream and I must "shut up and choose".

    Hohum, hopefully tomorrow will be better.
     
  8. It actually doesn’t make sense, because monogamous means having only one relationship. If you have two (or more) relationships, you are by definition polygamous. For you, it’s male and female. For a straight polygamist, it could be some other thing, like different physical features, personality types, etc. Being polygamous doesn’t imply you have sex with your multiple partners at the same time or anything, just that you have multiple relationships at the same time.
     
  9. BiDad3

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    Der Wandernde Z, I don't agree with you completely. If what you are saying was true then there would be no difference between being gay or straight. This forum wouldn't exist. My feelings / desire for a man in no way resembles my desire for a woman. I know what you're saying is technically true, but it doesn't really portray the difference.
     
  10. biT3

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    wow.... I am floored. Been staring @ this reply box for awhile..simply blown away. Not so much because of anything in particular anyone has said...but the entirety of it all. wow, I used to marvel at the complexity of 'life' in general; how bizarre the world is at times with ghosts, ufo's, paranormal stuff, along with normal stuff. Now I realize that my own senses are betraying me somewhat. I used to have pat answers....smugness of knowing & all that crap... not after reading these posts for a few nights now. ( and that just means it is striking chords within my own awareness...tastes....choices et.al)
    I am very new, to this place. Thank you all for your efforts to share, reason & question
     
  11. Jim1454

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    I think it's likely not to work because the other parties to it won't be happy - not because you won't be happy.

    If the situation were reversed, how would you feel? Really? I know that i wouldn't want to enter into a relationship with someone where I knew they would only want to be with me half the time. Because what exactly am I supposed to do with myself the other half of the time? Whether it be your wife or your boyfriend, they aren't going to feel like their needs are being met because you only have half of yourself to offer to each of them.

    I wouldn't be satisfied with that kind of relationship. It will require a certain kind of person to be willing to go along with that arrangement.
     
  12. There are differences between being straight, gay and bi. There are also differences between being monoamorous and polyamorous. These are two different dimensions of sexuality, and all combinations exist: mono straights, mono gays, mono bis (e.g. me), poly straights, poly gays and poly bis (e.g. you).

    Your problem comes from being poly, not from being bi. If you were a mono bi, you would be in love with either your wife or your boyfriend, but not both. If you are in love with both at the same time, then you are by definition poly, and that’s why you have a problem. Your polyamory interacts with your bisexuality, but they are different things. If you were straight or gay, maybe your polyamory would interact with something else, like age, body type or features. Maybe you would instead be monoamorous. Who knows.

    It’s fine for you to be both bi and poly, and I respect that some bi people are poly. Being poly isn’t the same as being promiscuous either. Some who are poly can have stable, long-term relationships with their partners. They just have two or more partners instead of one.

    What is not fine is to claim that being bi implies being poly. I doubt I’m the only bi to be very offended by this false claim. Unfortunately, many people seem to believe it. Maybe it’s because mono bis can more easily blend into the straight or gay communities, and are afraid to come out because both straight and gay people will think they’re (we’re) poly, gays who are still half in the closet, promiscuous people who will fuck anyone, whatever.
     
    #12 Der wandernde Z, Oct 17, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2013
  13. June Cleaver

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    What is not fine is this guy being attacked for labeling himself bi. Because of him needing sex with both men and women to satisfy his needs which to him makes him feel he is bi. This has been told to be a safe community to discuss our sexuality. Is it? He knows what label he is comfortable using at this time and nobody should tell him he is wrong about his identity as he did not ask that question, and he has rejected the poly label being pushed on him whether anyone feels it to be correct or not. He might need time to process his sexuality further. Why not answer his original question rather than derail this thread to him using the wrong label in your opinion. No matter what, stereotypes are going to exist about all the labels out there. June
     
  14. FallenAngel

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    I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. I came out to my husband in January and he has been very supportive since. Of course I still love him as my kids' father but it's still rough. You want to stay but you're also not sure how long you could last and if eventually you'll have to choose. You can think long term and ask yourself who would you pick? OR you can take it a day/week at a time. It's your choice. We have been taking it a day/week at a time and so far, it's worked. Cross the bridge when you get there. Until then, COMMUNICATION is key! Keep communication and keep being completely HONEST.
     
  15. I didn’t attack him. I pointed out that his problem is that he wants to have two partners, not that he’s attracted to both sexes. The problem is not affected by which labels are used.

    As I and others have already written, if all partners are happy with a polygamous relationship, then it can work. If any one is unhappy, it will probably fail. Mathematically, then, if everything else is the same, a polygamous relationship is more likely to fail than a monogamous one.

    Beyond the mathematics, bis who are not poly have no experience of such things, so the title draws the wrong people. Those who are poly (especially bi, but also straight or gay) have more relevant experience and knowledge about what makes polygamous relationships work.
     
  16. StevieB

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    I am bi and I have been with my wife for 16 years, and married for 12. Our relationship works because I am monogamous. Some people can be monogamous, some aren't cut out for it, I guess. Sure, being with a man would be nice, but it is just like a straight man fantasizing about another woman while married to his wife.
    If having a boyfriend works for you and your spouse, go for it, if not, then so be it.
     
  17. BiDad3

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    Wow guys! Thank you for caring enough to post. I don't feel attacked (but I so appreciate your support June :slight_smile: ). I honestly find every post worth considering and mulling over. I have decided to be on a new road, a road paved with honesty and integrity, and even though I might not immediately agree with something someone has posted, i still think about it and try to find out why I don't agree.

    Just as an update: my wife and I had a loooooong chat again yesterday and she is very supportive and just really unbelievable. We have agreed to keep the lines of communication wide open and then talk specifically about this at least once a month. The last thing I want is for my wife to feel unfulfilled in our marriage, in any way, be it emotionally, intellectually or sexually. If we find this happening we will have to deal with that and if divorce is the only option then that is where we will have to go. But I cannot lie anymore, and I cannot deny what I feel. I am not a bad or selfish person; denying these feelings any longer will be a death sentence. I have felt very low over the last few years and I have decided to choose honesty and love over isolation, misery and death.

    Thank you again for your support you wonderful EC members!
     
  18. BiDad3, I’m glad you don’t feel like I attacked you. :slight_smile: I’m also sorry if my comments seemed negative. I don’t care about labels, but it bothers me when people spread the idea that being attracted to both sexes implies needing both, when it isn’t that way for me (and probably many others). I fully accept it is that way for some, but I want people to understand it isn’t that way for all.

    Another thing is I’m trying very hard to get over someone right now, so I can start being attracted to others again. Maybe I sort of envy the ability to be attracted to more than one person. In the end, though, I only want one, so I guess I’m happy I can only be attracted to one. Still, I know it can take me a long time to get over someone I really care for.
     
  19. bipoly

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    Hi, BiDad3, I am bisexual, for several years I was completely out, and actually lean more toward gay. Until I met my wife, and have been happily married for 17 years. Before I would even start to date her, I told her everything about my sexuality, and my past which had been rather wild. We are still happily married, and not looking at any end in sight, so yes a bi/straight marriage can work.

    Unfortunately I have been disabled for the last 11 years, which I have dealt with pretty good considering what's going on. But for the last year or so, I have been wanting, even needing a non-sexual relationship with a man. I don't mean like you find at the golf club. I'm talking about curling up on the couch together and cuddle while watching a movie. Meeting up several days a week for coffee, and other things like that. However, i am jealous of you, there is no way my wife would allow me to have that kind of relationship. Even though she does not care about my past, she is extremely jealous of the men in my life. She understands what it is that attracts me to men, there are emotional things i can only get from men, and emotional things only from women. Because of things from my past which I just don't discuss, there are those emotional issues that only men can provide for me, and she knows about those things, and is worried I will one day leave her for a man. So consider yourself lucky to be able to have both.

    I was also polyamorys before getting married, so i know how great it can be to be in that kind of relationship. Just be careful, not everyone can handle the stresses that kind of relationship causes, especially those on the ends. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I'm available anytime if you want to talk.