Hi Friends Spent last nigh/thru this morning trying to figure out why I'm so stressed about possibly being further outed more publicly tomorrow by someone in almost ex's extended family. It really has nothing to do with being gay or who knows. Making coffee this am got the answer. It has to do w/having my voice taken from me. When almost ex outed me it was mean but he also took my voice a little every time he did it. This topic causes me pain to my core. As a child thru young adulthood my maternal "parent" never let me speak in public or would tell me what to say if we were going somewhere specific. She would interrupt me or answer questions for me. She would just tell people I was shy. Only once in my 20's did someone pull me aside after dinner and ask me if my mother always did that... Coming out in later years has so much extra baggage. Its exhausting! EC gives me a voice but always there is this underlying fear I will lose it. I spent too many years in silence. But I don't want an angry vendictive bitchy voice. I need to be strong but kind tomorrow. This person loudly confronted me last year on another topic that was none of her business and was persistant. I told her it was not a topic I was discussing with her. I am tired of being afraid. Thought I had made such progress on this topic.
Baby steps on that "road to truth"....It's a sad thing when the people who should be ENCOURAGING our voice are the ones who are suppressing it. My wife used to complain about her mother doing just that, and now she has graduated to playing the same game with our daughters. I warned her many years ago that the best way to defeat her mother was to not become her, but obviously that didn't make an impression. If you are tired of being afraid, you ARE making progress. In the end, we can't change those people and we can't stop them from being cruel or insensitive or unkind. But we can train them out of behaving that way to us, by not playing the game. My father played that game with me, and in the end, I learned to ignore his frantic efforts to push my buttons. He moved on to my brother, who was a much more willing and less savvy victim, and who gave him the reaction he wanted. We didn't become close or anything like that, but I became less and less his victim over time. It's work--but it can be done. The first step is being unwilling to stay under their feet.
(*hug*)(*hug*)Thanks Choirboy. I haven't spoken to her in many years as she also has addiction & mental illness problems she refuses to deal with. Recently got a call she is not doing well. People are afraid she will have a very not-sane reaction to me coming out if she finds out- which previously I did not care about but now is spooking me a bit... Too old for this shit!
Rose- I feel for you, and I will look forward to your support when I am in the exact same position in the not so distant future. As for an answer... I have a few-- choose at will: 1.) ignore her. Crazy people are well known for being crazy and often their rants bring more attention to themselves than the object of their fixation 2.) diffuse her. If she comes at you with an accusation of being gay or a dirty lesbian... Look her her dead in the eye and say " why yes I am. I'm glad you've heard! One less person to tell." 3.) make her uncomfortable. "Are you saying that bc you're interested? Bc you really aren't my type." Or if you prefer--"Uh oh.. Are your meds off again?" ( the latter being substantially more cruel) 4.) confront her. " yes I am and fuck you very much" People confront the ones who they think they can dominate and belittle. You have nothing to be ashamed of or scared of. You are not a child anymore Rose; don't you dare let some mean psychotic freak make you feel less- you are not. Best xx.
Ok #4 is what I want to say...but #2 is probably what I would say! Lesbian was a dirty word growing up & used negatively towards me with various profanities. Good venting in therapy earlier today but as always my EC friends understand & give me strength. (*hug*)(*hug*)
I like number two too though number three would be hilarious in some situations. Good luck! You are strong, capable, and GAY!
So feeling so much better about today. Thank you friends! Yesterday I did something very "girly"- went shopping as therapy....Got me a new hoody! Its so snugly warm n soft.
Rose, I too grew up in a home where children were 'seen, not heard'. We were told we would be 'disowned' if we were gay (the 1970's). Growing up this way, made me want to be a better person and Mother, someday. I can still hear that 'angry vindictive bitchy voice' and promised myself that I would never be that. My 21 yr. old daughter told me the other day, with tears in her eyes, that I was 'the best Mom ever'. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. P.S. - I vote for #4 & add: Play Lily Allen's "Fuck You (Very Much)" for her...loud.
LOL, just *love* this metaphor! (I *always* love a good metaphor, but I'm particularly moved by this one!)
.Gotta get the mp3 now. Looked up the lyrics 'cause I lost my ear buds....Fucking Awesome! LILY ALLEN LYRICS "Fuck You (Very Much)" Look inside Look inside your tiny mind Now look a bit harder Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired of all the hatred you harbor So you say It's not okay to be gay Well I think you're just evil You're just some racist who can't tie my laces Your point of view is medieval Fuck you Fuck you very, very much Cause we hate what you do And we hate your whole crew So please don't stay in touch Fuck you Fuck you very, very much Cause your words don't translate And it's getting quite late So please don't stay in touch Do you get Do you get a little kick out of being slow minded? You want to be like your father It's approval you're after Well that's not how you find it Do you Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful? Cause there's a hole where your soul should be Your losing control of it and it's really distasteful Fuck you Fuck you very, very much Cause we hate what you do And we hate your whole crew So please don't stay in touch Fuck you Fuck you very, very much Cause your words don't translate and it's getting quite late So please don't stay in touch Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Fuck you You say, you think we need to go to war Well you're already in one, Cause its people like you That need to get slew No one wants your opinion Fuck you Fuck you very, very much Cause we hate what you do And we hate your whole crew So please don't stay in touch Fuck you Fuck you very, very much Cause your words don't translate and it's getting quite late So please don't stay in touch fuck you, fuck you, fuck you Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you Writer(s): Lily Rose Allen, Gregory Kurstin Copyright: Emi April Music Inc., Kurstin Music, Universal Music Publishing Ltd. LILY ALLEN lyrics are property and copyright of their owners. "Fuck You (Very Much)" lyrics provided for educational purposes and personal use only.
