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What makes denial so powerful? Why is it so painful living in the closet?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Lindsey23, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. Lindsey23

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    So, many of us have lived in denial for years and even decades. How have we managed to deny our attractions for so long? What gives denial its power?

    And why is it so hard living a closeted life? I already have a sense of why but I'm trying to clarify it in my mind and would love to hear some responses. My therapist says that when we have secrets it creates tension and anxiety so this is an effect of being closeted. I've also read a lot about living an authentic life and all that.

    I have this secret desire to live completely out but can't quite figure out why when I think of all the negative things that will happen if I do that. So which is more painful? Living out to everyone and facing discrimination or living in the closet and hiding who you are?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Two things about denial, first: it's easy when what you are trying to deny is "abnormal" in a societal context and, second: pure inertia and compartmentalization, or the splitting of oneself into the open and the secret. The human mind is fascinating that way...

    When one of those compartments is a closet, there is no way you can even contemplate having a same-sex relationship. Relationships are, for the most part, public things. In order for a relationship to flourish, it needs sunshine and warmth and indeed the support of others. I disagree that it's hard to be in the closet. As a matter of fact it is all too easy to remain there, until, that is, you decide at last that living a split life is too exhausting.

    You can't figure out why anyone would want to come out, given all the negative consequences, right? I'd like to challenge your assumption of negative consequences. The main reason being that, alright, this will draw considerable attention from your significant others...for a while, and a much shorter while than you think. Fact is, people are way too busy with their own, urgent, lives. Your being out becomes a new normal pretty darn fast, it just doesn't matter as much to others as we think.

    Discrimination? Sure, it exists. Fairly rare however, and if you live somewhere "difficult" well you may decide to move. The main question you have to answer is: what is your integrity (the equivalence of what you are inside vs. what you are outside) worth?
     
  3. palimpsest

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    Lindsey23,

    I know for me that denying was taking so many of my resources it only made things that much more difficult. I'm not completely out yet, but I understand you sentiment. I will say, now that I am talking about how I actually feel, facing myself in the mirror and not shying away and participating in some good conversations on EC, I'm feeling better.

    Life is not without pain. Despair comes when we face something we can't change (or at least feel we can't change). Coming to terms, accepting yourself and being brave enough to love yourself and let yourself be loved takes less energy in the long run than slamming the door into your soul to keep the world out. It will not be without its ups and downs, we are still just people at the end of the day. I think for me, I want to face the rollercoaster of life with all of me engaged, all of my resources available to tackle whatever (and whomever) comes along.

    For what it is worth, this is one of the things that was going through my mind last night when I started my blog: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/palimpsest/7746-forward.html Not trying to push my madness on someone else, but maybe you'll see something there that makes sense to you.

    Fear, abandonment, ridicule, incongruent belief systems living in one body, there are so many reasons we could hold onto things for so long. Dreams we wish were true, but only chosen from the limited choices society will accept. What's yours? What scares you out here that makes living in their seem more reasonable?
     
  4. Lexington

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    I usually compare it to building a house. At the outset, it's easy to deal with the denial. To compartmentalize your sexuality, to keep it hidden, and to live as "normal" to the rest of the world. Just like building a lousy foundation for a house doesn't seem that problematic at the outset. But doing so puts the house you're building on a very shaky ground. And as the house builds, and gets taller, the stress starts to take its toll. Cracks keep appearing and need patching. You're constantly dealing with "problem areas", and the sheer effort of keeping the house looking "normal" can get to be an exceptional burden.

    Lex
     
  5. Lindsey23

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    GW- I always worry about what others think of me. It's sad really. And I'm trying to get over it. Whenever I meet someone new it's in the back of my head that if they knew my "secret" they would hate me. I know it's irrational, not everyone is homophobic. I think this comes from when I was out to my parents in high school. My mom told me not to tell anyone because I would lose my friends and no one would like me. I felt so much pressure to be straight that I went back in the closet. You make good points though. People are more focused on their own lives. I do think that most of my friends would accept it and the ones who don't, well, I can let them go.

    Palimpsest- I feel better being out on EC too, I'm also out to my husband and therapist. It feel like a weight is lifting off my shoulders. But still, it's hard to deal with. I read your blog and thank you. It was helpful. I also felt numb, for so many years. Now that I'm starting to feel again I don't know how to deal with it!

    My biggest fear is coming out to my parents again. Their reaction was so negative the first time that I'm not sure I could handle it again. As I've started to accept my sexuality again though I'm feeling more and more that my coming out to them is inevitable. It's a long way off but I don't think I can live without them knowing forever.

    Another issue I've had over the years is about religion. I never talk about God or Christianity anymore but I'll tell you since you're a pastor. When I was 12 one of my best friends converted me to Christianity and I was baptized. It was an amazing experience. I've never felt so clean and just...it's indescribable really. I was touched by God. It's something I've never felt before or since. And I can't deny it. But...this amazing experience happened at around the same time I began to realize I was gay. And I reached the point where I couldn't deny that. But the message I always heard was "God hates gays!" Being gay is a sin and all that. So I could never say, "I am a christian and I'm gay." It always had to be one or the other. Trying to come to terms with that is difficult and I'm sure you understand.

    Lexington- Thank you for that analogy. I think it's a good one.
     
  6. OneSpirit

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    This was a big fear of mine as well. My mom reacted horribly when I was 16 and again at 21. I had no intention, really, of playing this one AGAIN. When it happened, it was so anticlimactic. She was completely supportive and ok. Guess the 15 + years she had in between, helped. So, don't put that so high on your list of fears. Could end up a non issue. After MY mom, I truly believe anyone is capable of change/acceptance.
     
  7. Lindsey23

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    OneSpirit- That gives me so much hope. Thank you. I always imagine her going off on me and being completely irrational but maybe it wouldn't be as bad this time. Still, I need to become a stronger person before I can do it again. Baby steps... I'm glad it went so well for you...even if it took three tries!
     
  8. palimpsest

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    Lindsey23, and others, I'll take the whole sin thing on head on in my blogs. This beast must die. It is so over used, misunderstood and unnecessary. Too much pain. For what it it is worth, my emotional reactions to coming out (though different than intense religious experiences that I've had) are also incredible, real and validating.
     
  9. Ritor365

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    Honestly, (and this is gonna sound kinda weird...) I think of denial/fright of sexuality as this horrible thing in my head...I picture it as this black mist stuff, that just wraps around my brain and puts in horrible thoughts, such as rejection, being forever alone, abandonment, etc, almost like it's toxic to the mind. But I also imagine that whenever I come out to a person, it gets sucker punched in the stomach, making it weaker.

    IDK, sometimes to understand things I need to objectify them in order for me to gain a better insight of them #judged :eusa_danc

    But I think what gives it it's power is that people naturally as an instinct fear great change or the unknown, and that's what it is for most of us when we come out; often enough our lives WILL change, whether the change be good or bad, big or small, and what this change is is usually UNKNOWN to us at the current time.

    Just my 2 cents....actually no, I'm a broke uni student I'm taking that money back.
     
  10. palimpsest

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    Well put.
     
  11. biggayguy

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    You just get sucked in to trying to be "normal". For me, I was trying to people please for many years. I was looking for approval even if it was a lie. At some point you get disgusted with living that way. You decide to be open and honest. I'm still working on it. Sometimes it's prudent not to come out to someone you know is homophobic.
     
  12. Lovetoski

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    Compared to others Linsey, I will sound like a simpleton. However, I think the thing really comes down to one simple truth: lying is bad for us. Lying is all consuming. It becomes impossible to keep track of which then causes anxiety that you might slip up. This is why we choose certain people to be our friends-- our real friends-- bc we don't have to lie to them. They accept us just as we are. We want out of the closet despite the hurt we inflict on those around us-- the ones we love, bc without that we are all just liars. My best friend is no longer my best friend bc she couldn't (or didn't want to) accept this truth about me. I feel foolish for missing her so desperately, especially when I think that she'd rather be friends with a liar than me.