I was going to reply to Bieagle's thread about relationship with ex-wife after coming out, but I realized that my situation is a bit unique; I need some advice myself, and I don't want to steal his thread, lol. So, as you might remember, I've been married for over 13 years, with one daughter. I finally admitted to myself in June that I am gay, came out to my wife in August, and EVERYBODY else last Friday via FB. Since coming out to my wife, not much has really changed. We are still sleeping in the same bed, etc. (We don't have a spare room; the only other option would be the couch!) We did decide that we should get a divorce, and the final paperwork was filed on Friday. The "official" time line is 6-10 weeks for the divorce to be approved; however, a friend who recently got divorced here had the divorce finalized in under 2 weeks! So... Here's the catch... We will probably remain living together until mid-December, to keep our daughter in the same school until winter break and the end of the semester. It also keeps everyone together until I retire. The issue is going to be how to start living my "gay life" while I'm still so much a part of my old life! No one knows (yet) that I actually already have a boyfriend, or how serious he and I are.
Wow, no wasting time for you, huh? I am SOOOOOO jealous! I'd say just start living life as you would if you had a roommate who wasn't your soon-to-be-ex. It's what I'm trying to do despite the fact that a) he doesn't know about my emerging sexuality and b) our end date is some amorphous goal vs. a practical time line. So I try to treat him with the same consideration as I would anyone else that I shared living space and responsibilities with, for example keep him apprised of my schedule, plans insofar as timing - but not necessarily specifics, division of labors and things like who will drive our son to and fro, if we'll be around for meals, those sorts of things. When we're in the same space I make small talk, share the superficialities of our days, discuss pertinent details toward selling the house or filing the divorce. Just try to live practically, but more on a level of that with an acquaintance or friend and not on any level of intimacy - be it emotional, psychological, or otherwise. It seems to be working with very little angst or friction, although I'm not asking his opinion either. Good luck and congrats on getting so far so fast. I aspire to be where you are!
If I were you I'd continue to keep my gay life quiet until moving out. It's only two more months. If your wife finds out you have a boyfriend that could really hurt her feelings. She will probably want space from you and if she can't get it it will drive her crazy. I don't know, if I were the straight spouse in that situation I would be upset. And I would make my gay spouse sleep on the couch. I'm sorry for being a downer, and I don't mean to come across as critical. I am happy for you. I'm also married and understand the difficulties of being gay and married. I wish you the best with your new life and, like Dragonbait said, congratulations on getting so far so fast! You are way ahead of me.
drs, this is very similar to the plan my wife and I are looking at. We will divorce sometime in the next year or so is my guess, but will not rush into separate dwellings until we must. This is for the kids and for pragmatic financial reasons, and if you are tracking my other post today, time to work on an intermediate staging of a new life. What is derailing this for me, is, I don't know if I can do both. Be a key player in daily family life while getting my gay on. It seems to me that this is really about making a choice. Will I slow down, can I slow down and be content for the sake of resolving family issues the best that I can; or do I say f*ck it and move on? Depends on the mood and drama of the moment I think.
Same here....We have had numerous discussions about it and will likely have to stay under the same roof for now. Finances for one thing; and of course, the kids. My girls are in 7th and 10th grade. Both of them have a rather strained relationship with their mother, and based on a discussion with a lawyer, my state will go out of its way to split their time evenly between both parents. I've been very torn about what would be best for them - staying in their current home with a sane parent and a crazy one together, or spending half of the week with me and the other half with her. I'm leaning towards keeping the living arrangements consistent for now. They keep their home, the cat, their dogs, their familiar surroundings, etc. But that opinion changes with her mood swings. My suspicion, quite honestly, is that if she spends a year or two being forced to funcition more independently (even with sharing the house), she will go into full "damsel in distress" mode and seek out someone to rescue her from her gay husband and unappreciative kids. I am 100% certain that will happen eventually anyhow, but it will give me more peace of mind if it happens while I have more control over the girls' lives than I would in separate dwellings.
drs, you and I are twinsies, pretty much. In the process of divorcing my husband and we plan to stay living together for as long as possible. (Which given how well we get along could be quite a long time.) I do have a gf, but my husband knows all about her and has from the beginning (which was when we decided to divorce in May), which makes things easier, as he is ok with it. At the point you are now, I would keep it on the down low til everything goes through- I feel excited for you.
I've divorced and am living in the same house but not the same room even. It's financial reasons and no children involved. I don't have a gf but I've been looking since the beginning of the year.
It's not so much that I'm not wasting time; more like doing things in kinda the wrong order. Kinda? Ok, VERY wrong order! I met my BF about 8 months ago... Honestly, if it wasn't for meeting him, I wouldn't be here right now - Not on EC, not out to anyone, including myself. Meeting him and realizing that I could have feelings for another man is what made me finally able to admit to myself that I am gay. Once I was able to do that, there is was no turning back. I CAN'T just do nothing for the next couple of months. I'll wait until after the divorce is final, but after? It might mean my sleeping on the couch; I don't really care. I don't want to hurt my (ex) wife either; but I want to be with my BF too! :bang:
