He really likes me...I'm not so sure I like him so much

GW, if that is all you want right now then that is where you are at. Be honest about it. No signs, symbols are room for loopholes. Clear, concise communication made with compassion.

 

Hi I'm not older like everyone here but I thought I would try and help:

I'm not sure on your current relationship status but if your single you could try and get with him you may not have strong feelings now but I had that once he was soooo clingy and when we got together after a month I loved him to bits ^_^ I would say give it a try with him and if you still don't have strong feelings just say I'm sorry I don't think this is working out I hope you make the right decision for yourself good luck xxx

 

I want someone to snuggle with...sigh.

 

Greatwhale: I don't think you're being cruel. You're not used to being in bed with a guy. It's jarring. And may not even feel 'right.' Sure, you're gay; but having gay opportunities in front of you is still relatively new. I can understand the nerves and/or apprehension. And even the instinct to flee.

A short-term solution is to tell him that you're still getting over someone. In my opinion, that is true. You're still getting over your former 'hetero' life with your ex-wife (I think you have an ex-wife? Still trying to get everyone's story straight :help. That is a huge hurtle. If you shared those details with him, he'd have no choice but to understand that you're not ready for anything deeper right now.

A long-term solution would be to just honestly say, "You're a good guy, but I'm just not feeling this." I think this is the better way to go, because it will prevent him from coming back in 6 months and saying "Soooo, are you ready to marry me now?"

Also, the second solution would give him closure, thereby allowing him to try to find someone new. If you give him an excuse, he may still cling to hope that you'll love him eventually.

Only you know what's best for the situation. Good luck!

---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 04:14 PM ----------

Oh, LOL, I hadn't refreshed the thread for a while. Glad he's on the same page!

 

GW, you wicked man you.

 

Oh. My. God. Greatwhale! You are such a GIRL!!!! :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Welcome to the world of why women prefer women!!! (just kidding - it's really about their soft skin and sexy bodies) but that whole "Hey, I'm into you, wanna get it on?" thing doesn't hurt in helping us poor uninformed, naive girls find their way to the better side!

Sorry, I'm laughing too hard to offer the real, solid, responsible advice that is truly lodged there in my head. I'll have to get back to you tomorrow with that. For now, I'm going to go pour myself another glass of wine and get back to tumblr.

 

:roflmao: (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)

 

Well then, I'm happy that I did not disappoint.

And just an fyi - I am absolutely coming back to this issue later, with my serious hat on. I have some very specific thoughts on this and would love to discuss them, but it's been a rough morning and I haven't got the brainwidth to do it justice right now. But rest assured, I shall return!

 

Hey there Geedub! I know you've been waiting with bated breath for me to come back to this thread, and I have to apologize. It's been a crazy week, but I really wanted to give this topic the attention it is due, because I think it's a problem that permeates our society - and I'd like to do my own little part to help minimize it as much as humanly possible.

It seems you've been on the receiving end of male sexual entitlement. Not much fun, is it? I would be willing to guess that you are not alone in this among gay males and I can certainly assure you that you are definitely not alone when considering the women that have to deal with this, no matter their personal sexual orientation. It's a problem that results in horrific acts and I can only imagine that the pressure would be even worse among some gay men. Society dictates (well, no, not really, more like suggests) that where a woman is concerned, a man display at least a modicum of consideration, but how many men, when with another man, would just assume that because of his maleness, he shares this entitlement to take what he desires.

But the truth is, no one is ever owed sex – not when they’re nice, not when they’re domineering, not when they’re manipulative, not when they’re attractive, and definitely not just because they’re a man. So, I'll tell you the same things that I've been telling my two teenage sons, in hopes they never find themselves in a similar situation - either as perpetrator or recipient. You may want to hang an OSHA-style warning wherever you may entertain men, or create a reproduction in business card format to distribute to potential partners.

Nothing short of enthusiastic, affirmative consent means yes. Don't wait for a definitive no, wait for an enthusiastic yes. A "Yes! Yes! Yes! For God's sake YES!" is a clear pass. A half-hearted, "OK, if you want" is NOT.

As Dr. Nerdlove wrote on Getting A Yes (Instead of Avoiding A No) - The Standard of Enthusiastic Consent | Paging Dr. NerdLove, "The focus on an unambiguous yes (or a “give it to me!" or “I want you right the f*ck now”… you get the idea) cuts out any murkiness around the idea of whether somebody is consenting. It’s hard to mistake a “please f*ck me”, after all. It simplifies the issue rather nicely. Didn’t get a “Yes”? You don’t have sex. End of."

That about sums it up. I'll just step down now. :soapbox:

 

I. Love. This. Thank you for taking the time to say this so well, so I don't have to think through how to say it well!

And Mr. Whale? It seems to me that you are a gentleman of integrity. (No, don't bother to give me that self-deprecating BS...you can't change how you seem to me.) You know who you are, what you want, and what you don't want (at least now, if not in the long term). Go with those feelings, and you can't go wrong. You already know this...just do it with confidence. But palimpsest hit it on the head...communicate openly...let him know what you want and what you don't. Ah, but then too, bear in mind the other thing that women need to realize but too seldom do: if you deem a person to be too surface, too much about the physical, lacking in panache, or just a bad communicator...you will not ever change that in them. No amount of talking to them about it, complaining about it, or (god forbid) begging will ever change them. They either have it or they don't...so use good judgment at the outset.

 

When I saw a follow-up post to my own, I had to revisit to read, and happened to notice, in the process, how incredibly sexist I sounded in the bolded areas above. I've read enough profiles on one dating site to know that there are quite a number of women who would classify as thinking themselves sexually entitled as well, but truly just meant this in terms of the context that Greatwhale presented it. As his personal experience with another man. I do recognize that this is not indicative of ALL men, nor is it a trait exclusive to the male sex. Unfortunately, as I wrote, it is a widespread problem in our society today and should be tackled on all fronts, equally.

 

draginbait, I love what you said about enthusiastic consent. It's a good lesson for all of us.
And Greatwhale, I love what you said about living artfully rather than with a goal in mind. I am so happy right now - life is good. I am getting so much pleasure out of getting know and sharing time with a special woman. Time with her is a gift and I'm so grateful for it. Yes, I'd like to have sex with her. I told her yesterday I look forward to a time when we can have total privacy and not being in a hurry. Until then, I'm enjoying every moment - this time is not something to push through in a rush en route to some goal.

When I was trying to be straight, in my mid-twenties to mid-thirties, everything I did was just a means to an end. I (thought I) wanted a career, a husband, and a child. But I didn't enjoy the living on the way. Now that I am who I am- a woman in love with another woman- with a career, a child, and an exhusband, I'm really enjoying the simple pleasures in life.