I'm on day 5 after coming out to my wife and it's been pretty rough…as I expected. After spending the first 2 nights at home, she asked me to leave so I've been staying at a motel since then. The kids think I'm on a business trip. I feel I owe her the time and space to let it sink in. After all, I've had a lifetime to think about being gay it and it came as I total shock to her. I had assumed she suspected it, but I was wrong about that. For now, we've decided not to tell anyone unless we both agree. So far, the only other person who knows is her mom, who has been very supportive to both of us. My mother-in-law actually came to see me at the motel and her visit helped lift my spirits. Other than that, I don't have much of a support system besides my therapist. I don't see that improving until I'm able to be more fully out. My next hurdle is telling my parents. I'm planning to make a 7 hour drive to do it in person. I know it's going to devastate my mom, not so much that I'm gay, but that I'm shattering her image of the "perfect" family life I had led. So far, the hardest part has been hearing my wife sobbing, knowing it's my fault and that I'm the last person she wants to comfort her. It's like a knife to the heart. After that, the worst thing is thinking of her eventually finding another man who could end up living in my house and helping raise my kids. Of course, I thought about that before I came out, but now that it's really possible, it stings so much more. So I'm in the middle of the shit storm I knew was unleashing. Trying to convince myself it was worth it and that it will get better...that all the talk of the value of living an authentic life if more than just talk. But it's really hard as I watch my old life – which had plenty of good in it – disintegrating before my eyes. I could definitely use some words of encouragement about now.
Hey Spaceman, This is the toughest time, really tough. You did an amazing, difficult and brave thing and I commend you for doing what needed to be done. This is that element of tragedy that comes with doing the right thing. Hang on, stay strong for the sake of your kids and yes, your wife. You have a rather amazing mother-in-law! A rather unexpected silver lining...and I guess life is like that too, full of interesting surprises. Take this if you can almost as an experiment, some detachment may be warranted if only not to lose hope and to focus on the future. Hang tight, we're thinking of you in this difficult time.
So sorry to hear Spaceman. Please don't get discouraged just yet. I have been where you are. Unfortunately you are gonna have to give it some time. Like you said, you have had a lifetime to sort through all this and she has had 5 days. You have turned her world upside down and crushed her dreams all at the same time. I'm not telling you that to be negative but to help you realize what is going on in her head. I struggled for weeks almost months before I decided to tell my wife. It was probably the lowest point of my life. Then.... I had to watch her crumble right in front of my eyes. I was at a low point, she was at a low point. I thought at times that this would be my demise. The downward spiral of my very existence. I think she cried for 3 days. But around a week was a turning point where she needed questions answered. I'll caution you it may seem like at times you are communicating well and she seems to be your best friend. But not the best friend where you can elaborate on your new found feelings. To do it all over again I would stay the course. See I told my parents and between her and them. I caved. I retreated back in the closet so far there wasn't any light at all. I wil ltell you I'm in the process of telling her again. I have never felt so alone and withdrawn from the whole world since retreating. To do it over again I wouldn't have told my parents at all until we had figured everything out. I was not ready. It was too much to quick. But you know your situation better then I. I didn't tell you my story to diminish yours but in hopes that you might find comfort in knowing others have gone thru the same. And that there is light there. But like with anything time heals all or most all. Be patient my friend. You did right. Just allow a little more time to pass.
Each of us has our own path to walk, but just know that I admire you. This revelation, in my eyes, says only positive things about you. This proves how much respect you have for your wife and for yourself. Wishing you all best! (*hug*)
Spaceman... like the other guys above, my thoughts are with you at this very tough time. I was there only 3-4 weeks ago, and although things are still difficult, I am slowly starting to make sense of my feelings and why this has happened. Being honest with ourselves and our partners is the start of the process. The process will be filled with ups and downs. We wouldn't do this if we had a choice. We are good people and brave souls. Good luck and have faith in your decision to move forward.
I know this is painful. I'm confident that you'll get through this. It will be difficult and hard. I'm thankful for your post because it will be something that I most likley will have to go though in the future. Hang in there. Keep talking, typing and sharing how you are feeling. These things will help.
I am so sorry for your pain and feelings of being alone. Trust us when we all say, "we are with you." Many of us have been, will be or are currently experiencing the same stages of coming out within a hetero-sexual marriage. I am heading to another of our "de-coupling" therapy sessions, where I know my wife is going to try and bargain/plead for me to stay in the closet and be her companion until death. It is painful to watch her go through these very sincere emotions and fears about being left alone. However, I know that the closet will kill me, if not literally, it will kill me emotionally and spiritually. For me, this is about choosing life. I also believe that my wife will eventually discover a life for herself, but she can't be convinced of that now. Go easy on yourself in this difficult time. Read books by others about their coming out experiences. Read about the joy of a "Gay Soul." It can be a huge relief to stay in touch with others experiences, both on EC and by reading.
My thoughts are with you, Spaceman. Sometimes being honest and doing the right thing is horribly painful. As much as I firmly believe that in the end, we and our spouses will be happier and healthier for the truth being out, it doesn't make the experience of actually working through it any easier. Take this a day, a moment, at a time, and know that others have made it through the storm, and you can too. We're all with you.
There's no way around it, what you're going through is one of the toughest things you (and she) will ever have to face. If you haven't already, please get Joe Kort's "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love." It has little to do with finding real love and everything to do with understanding yourself and what's going on right now. There are a couple of chapters that relate specifically to gay men in hetero marriages and the fallout of addressing that. One of the most surprising pieces is that, in Dr. Kort's 25+ years as a therapist, he's found that when the dust settles, nearly every wife, even those who *swore* they had no idea, realize that they did actually know or suspect that their husband was gay... and that goes a long way toward healing the anger and also addressing the guilt that the husband is going through. Kort says that it is essentially a "conspiracy of silence" to which both parties have subscribed, and once both realize that, it really helps the healing process along. Of course... no good will come of telling her that now, but if/when she gets therapy, hopefully she'll realize, and if you realize it, hopefully it will help you better understand and accept what's happening. My heart goes out to you. There's no easy way out, but in the end, you will both be better off for the action you've taken.
Chip... On your recommendation I bought that book on amazon. It does have some very useful chapters and it has really helped me. I've just ordered another book titled 'outing yourself' which my therapist recommended.
