a confession

CB if by letting go you mean the lie which perpetuates the existence you've created. I applaud you. I know the feeling of your old life not merging without new life. I also know, and am confident you know, the real joy and beauty that each of us had ( albeit some to different degrees) with the lives which seem to impede our progress. I had a really sad night yesterday. I woke still sad and was greeted by a call from the woman I love. Then I picked up my phone and had several posts from a variety of strangers all in support of me!? Who knew? I have the absolute resolve that, although I am not perfect, even though things may change...I am still me. I can still be the me before I realized the wonder of loving a beautiful intelligent woman. My life and relationships have to change, but the ones worth having will adapt. I do not have to choose to give up my family. It must simply be redefined. Don't choose- re-define. Everyone will be better for it.

 

Just got back from a 4-mile walk to a near-empty house. My wife and youngest daughter are out at a haunted house fundraiser, and my oldest is sound asleep in the chair, worn out from the dysautonomia that has been messing up her poor body for the last year. My first action, of course, was to sign on to EC, and this hit me in the pit of my stomach.

I'm reasonably sure that I really did want kids in my life. My sister was born when I was 11 months old, and I was the oldest grandchild in a large extended family. The first word I ever spoke was "baby", and according to my mom, I said it with such clarity she was sure I had practiced it for days. I loved the arrivals of my siblings and my many cousins. I imagined myself with children of my own, caring for them and making them happy.

What I never really imagined, ever, was being a husband. I imagined myself in a motherly kind of role with children, my children. I never really thought about how they would magically appear. I assumed I would raise them as I saw fit, and give them the love I never really felt I had gotten as a child.

I always have had a good relationship with them, and since accepting I was gay, I'm more open and happy with them. But I'm also getting the rather horrible feeling lately that I'd like to just go away. Or I'd like them to go away.

My oldest has been dealing with a neurological condition for the past year and a half. She is OK some days and worn out and miserable others. She needs meds and tests and the doctor bills just keep coming. She's a wonderful, intelligent young woman, but I feel like I am worrying about her night and day. My youngest loves me and is developing more and more resentment toward her mother by the hour, it seems. It's all I can do to keep her focused on homework and stop her from absorbing her mother's anger and turning into her.

They're wearing me out. I have this amazing set of new feelings that I am finally allowing myself to experience, and it seems as though I can't use them because their needs all come first. I want to run away and try everything out, to experience everything I've waited nearly 52 years for. But my life really isn't mine right now, and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I left, but if I stay, I'm not really living. It's a mess.

Ego te absolvo, palimpsest. I'm feeling pretty guilty at the moment myself.

 

Weird... I actually thought this post was started by CB-- my apologies Pal. Pal - re-define. CB. what a gift you are to your daughter... And re-define.

 

No worries, Lovetoski, it's a parallel universe thing, apparently. (Inside joke.)

 

I've a boy and girl as well Pal. We will redefine. We Will.

 

My marriage ended not because there was a cathartic episode where it all came crashing down...it simply ran out of steam. The relationship, such as it was, just...stopped. In that sense mine is a different set of circumstances from yours.

I had become so alienated from my wife, it was easy to cut the little thread that remained between us. Nothing was resolved...just outgrown.

My relationship with my kids, however, has generally been good, but clearly, I have to some extent been alienated from them, mostly due to an unfair arrangement of custody, which I am challenging.

I think what you are fearing is what I wrote about in "Katabasis", that descent through the wormhole of disapproval, and possibly a loss of status. The feeling of being dismissed from the job of parent and husband, perhaps?

I hope that you know that you have found friends here to help you through this, I hope also that you find friends who are nearer to you who can support you. That will be crucial.

 

Of course you love them--and of course you're being a good dad. You wouldn't be agonizing over all this if you weren't. You'd be gone.

The frustration comes from being a good person and wanting to do the right thing. Bad people don't care about doing the right thing. That's what makes evil so enticing. It's so much easier.

We'll get through this. But not without a few more rough days here and there....

 

Hey there Palimpsest, here's irony for you. From the time I hit puberty, I always stated with the utmost conviction that I NEVER wanted to get married or have children. The idea was abhorrent to me, literally from the time that it became a physical possibility until about the time that I answered yes to that ill-fated proposal.

My ideal future was to live my life to it's fullest, all-out, and then, when I reached somewhere around the age of 50, I would find someone nice to spend my golden years with and settle down. What really blew my mind was a few weeks ago, when my husband acknowledged that he was aware of all this. The question I had to swallow at the time was, "Then why the f*ck did you ever marry me?!" Because I know the answer, he likes a challenge. He caught me, subdued me, domesticated me, and in the end, regretted his ego.

But what's this got to do with your post? Here's the irony. I would do it all again in a NY minute, because I simply have no desire whatsoever to imagine a world where my kids were not a part of my life. This coming from the woman who never wanted children. Also coming from a woman who seriously doesn't particularly like most children. My own seem to be the exception to every one of my rules.

So as opposed to you and Choirboy, I am some third dimension to your parallel universes. But this has been all about me. Isn't it always? Sorry. No. I know it's not meant to be, even if in my own mind it really is. But here's what I've got to offer you.

I've got a theory. It holds true to most relationships people maintain while 'in the closet' and so far, where the love and affection is true, my theory seems to hold. I've heard from many people, both on EC and off, that there was always a distance between them and their loved ones. Most especially between closeted parents and their children. It may not even be you who is putting that distance there. Children, I have learned, are incredibly perceptive. Intuitive and respond emotionally, even if they aren't actually cognizant of why the feel and act as they do. You've been hiding from them. All their lives. That's a major barrier. Although, from what I recall, you were hiding from yourself as well, but your children were probably more perceptive to the fact that you were hiding something than you were. It's just the way kids are - they pick up on the things no one can articulate. They're hypersensitive to it.

Now, to make matters worse, you've come into your own awareness, and still you're keeping it bottled up. I'm a freaking mess when I'm keeping something bottled up, and there is no one in the world more attuned to me emotionally than my kids. They know, and they react, again without actually even consciously doing so, or understanding their own actions/responses. You feel like you've got this elephant you're trying to hide under an ottoman, so you're pushing them away to keep them from seeing it, and they sense that something is wrong, and as kids, they'll want to put space between themselves and the problems of the adult world, so they'll follow their instincts and flee.

It's no wonder you're feeling disconnected, like you don't belong, but trust me, it doesn't have to stay like that, and unless you cut those strands that have been so weakened, they can strengthen again. I have two very close friends, men that have come together after previous straight marriages. They are both closer to and more comfortable with their kids than ever before, and we all know why. Their kids have finally come to know them as who they TRULY are, are experiencing them whole and honest and happy and comfortable in their own skin and because of this, their relationships as dads have blossomed.

Give yourself a break, your tension and angst won't help how you relate to them in the least. Give yourself some time to find yourself, become comfortable with your place in the world and your place in their lives, then let them get to know you in that new place. I'll bet you just about anything that all that distance you're feeling now will fade away. And know that letting go of your marriage, of your life as a straight male Pastor, doesn't have to mean letting go of your kids as well. It just means modifying your relationship, and from what you've written, I can't seem to think that would be a bad thing. Give yourself and them a chance. You all deserve it!

 

When asked I always said wanted to adopt kids. Like Db I never wanted to get married. I never wanted anyone to have that much control over me. I did not even date until I was 30. The moment I knew I was pregnant I loved my son. With all my childhood baggage I am very critical of myself as a parent.
This spring my son told me he had never seen me smile so much(pre-telling him I was gay & about divorce). Though its been really tough sometimes we have learned to communicate so much better than we did 6 months ago.
My son's favorite thing to say to me now is "but you said it was ok to be who I am. This is who I am." Yah- That ones coming right back at me! Makes me smile Everytime he says it.

 

I'm really sorry - I'm not in a position to really comment. I can only imagine what you are feeling through the words you have written.

Is the disconnection you are feeling from self protection, protecting your family from you and protecting yourself from you.. Not right now, but a gradual build up over the years, knowing that you had an issue to face but unsure of how to do it, let alone all the questions of why? Clearly now you seem ready to face things head on, you are finding that road into yourself and from what I've seen you are all the more happier for it and because of that you feel almost ready to tackle the difficulty surrounding your family - and now it's almost like reconnecting the dots to get back to where you were at the start, only this time some of the dots are missing on the way back and it's throwing you off kilter.

Like I said, I'm only guessing here. I feel for you - I can feel your emotion - just know that each and every one of us is prepared to be a dot to help you on your way.

*hugs*

 

Palimpsest, there seems to be a calm in your writing today. Its a tough step but its been a long time in coming. Your relationship with your children is sure to brighten. Good luck on your new journey.