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Fun day ahead (not)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Choirboy, Oct 19, 2013.

  1. Choirboy

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    One final competition for the girls today, which means another charming 90-minute ride there and back with my wife. Should be interesting to see what drones she sends my way on this trip. At least this one runs late, so she will very likely crash early into the trip home. The production of venom apparently uses up a pretty fair amount of resources. Being as how I spent a lot more time than usual yesterday getting introspective and soul-searching, I'm feeling pretty raw, so she had better not push it. I might feel compelled to bring up the "did you marry your ex just to get my attention and reel me in?" card. That one will draw blood for certain, and it has actually turned out to be its own punishment for her, when you think about it.

    The antenna is up....ready to pick up positive signals from all my EC friends. Keep sending 'em, everyone. It's probably going to be a bumpy night.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Transmitting (although with static) as we speak, dear CB!

    kshhhhh---patience!---crshhhhh----patience and understanding!----ooeeooo----this too shall pass!---ksshhh
     
  3. Choirboy

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    Cloudy and overcast today--the signal from Montreal should travel reasonably well to the Milwaukee area!
     
  4. greatwhale

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    I think the static will have nothing to do with the weather...hang in there! (*hug*)
     
  5. Dragonbait

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    Poor Choirboy. I won't gloat and tell you that the last two days of long drives to and from hours sitting poolside at a water polo tournament were only pleasant due to the noticeable lack of company. I am currently giving thanks for the last two and a half weeks husband-free, but having been in your car seat too many times to count, I can appreciate what you're going through.

    So my hope for you is that despite whatever poison she may spew on the way there, the tournament grounds are vast enough that you can put an ocean of space between you while there, and that she does indeed crash for the ride home. And despite how distant the time may seem, remind yourself that this is the beginning of the end, you are no longer peering down the long scope of some endless future with this woman. I find almost anything is bearable as long as I can keep an end in sight.

    So turn her verbal diarrhea into GW's static, it's nothing but white noise, like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon, waa waa waa waa waa... and no matter what, do NOT give in to your desire to respond in kind. Your girls don't need to see you in that light. Be strong, tune her out and envision your better days to come.
     
  6. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    There is no static for AH ex's morning texts:
    :***::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang: :***:
     
    #6 Rose27, Oct 19, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2013
  7. Dragonbait

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    No, perhaps not, but on my phone - at least - there is a "Delete All" option! And then there's always the "Change Number" option. You have full custody and from what you've written, I assume no significant form of support? Ditch the loser! You don't need to deal with his BS.

    And in the meantime, try a little :tantrum: and we'll send plenty of (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)!

    ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2013 at 10:19 AM ----------

    OH! And how could I forget? BREATHE!!!

    :grin:
     
  8. Rose27

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    Cb- It sucks but at least your wife goes/wants to go to your kids sporting events...
    Just noticed your comment :
    "The antenna is up....ready to pick up positive signals from all my EC friends. Keep sending 'em, everyone. It's probably going to be a bumpy night." Too late to delete my negative post
    Just cheer extra loud for every kid to drown out her crap. A plus is it will probably really annoy her! Throw in a standing happy dance too for every good play!
     
  9. "The production of venom apparently uses up a pretty fair amount of resources."

    HAHAAAAA! I know I shouldn't giggle at your unfortunate situation, Choirboy, but...well-played. :wink:
     
  10. Rose27

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    Db: How did you know I'm holding my breath? Until divorce is final keeping all texts. Just in countdown mode now- All paperwork & judge time done.
    Full custody just means son lives w/me full time. But ex has "official" days w/son & full "parental rights" And yes he is already weeks behind on child support. :tantrum::tantrum:
     
  11. Choirboy

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    Laugh away! Some days that little bit of black humor is what keeps us balanced on the ledge instead of careening over it. I giggled a little writing it as well.
     
  12. ClosetedFather

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    The thought of drone warfare going off in the car had me rolling on the floor a bit aswell.
     
  13. Rose27

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    You know those greeting cards that play music when opened? My friends here at EC recommended the F U song by Lily Allen on another thread....That song in a greeting card would so be a best seller. Says it all. Yup. :tantrum::tantrum:
     
  14. Dragonbait

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    Choirboy, I was thoroughly anticipating reliving the melodrama of the day with you this evening. But nothing! I'm worried. Are you okay? She didn't go all "Misery" on you, did she? I know you've got church, etc. in the morn, but send up a smoke signal or something, just so we know you're okay! :eusa_eh:
     
  15. greatwhale

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    Great, now I have an image of CB's wife as "Miss Othmar"...
     
  16. Dragonbait

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    :thumbsup:
     
  17. Choirboy

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    Didn't get home till after 1 am, and I have the usual 7:30 and 9:00 Mass duty this morning, plus a full day ahead of other assorted activities. It wasn't pretty, as expected, but increased my resolve some, and lessened my guilt even more. She is trying to "own" my coming out any way she can, and I'm not letting her. More later (MUCH later).
     
  18. Choirboy

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    Definitely a trip filled with "static" the other day, more so on the way home.

    First bit of interrogation was "How do you suppose your brother will react? Or your aunt?" My brother is severely conservative and my aunt, who I see once a year at Thanksgiving and maybe once or twice otherwise, depending on who marries and who dies, can be rather opinionated. She has asked this before and I felt a little frustrated at being asked the same thing for, like, the 4th time. Then I suddenly picked up on the tone of voice and realized she was trying to psyche me out--like saying "Wow, Dad is going to beat the crap out of you for THAT when you get home!".

    The competition was freaking cold (40-45 degrees, and I was woefully under-dressed) and endless. Once the girls were safely on the bus and we were finally on the road home, the REAL fun began. She started out with the tentative jabs--"I suppose we're not going to do anything for our anniversary this year? That would be weird". I suggested that we could still do dinner or something, since we still ARE married, which was greeted with stony silence. Then she started going on and on about a few expenses--clothes for the girls, school fees etc.--and said "I guess now I'm just another single mother trying to get by". As long as we have been together she has insisted on separate checking accounts because her first husband pilfered money from her, and the incessant whine of "I'm sooooo broke" has infuriated me, since a) I have the full time job and she has always CHOSEN not to; b) I pay all major bills with the exception of school lunches and clothes and fees which she does with great fanfare and comments like "I can't even buy myself new socks because all my money goes to them" (of course, the clothes go on the charge card, which I pay, and I keep getting asked to transfer money into her checking to cover all the other stuff). I responded coldly that I was staying so that the bills would continue to be paid, and the drama about her being broke was just that.

    The next drone involved the pets, and how she was going to be "stuck" with the dogs and cat until they died. That led into a very long series of complaints about how unfair all this was because I got to walk out on everything and start a new life, but she would be stuck with the kids and her life would suck even worse than it already did. So I pointed out that I wasn't leaving yet, AND there was no law stating that the person leaving had to be ME, and if she was so miserable I would be more than happy to have responsibility for the girls. Which is quite true. I'd much rather be a gay single dad with 2 teenagers en residence, than live apart and try and spend time with them.

    Then she brought out the big guns and suggested that she would TRY and be friends but didn't think that would last longer than a few years; when out oldest, a sophomore in high school, went to college, one of us should take her room (apparently thinking we would still be living together--God, I hope not); suggested with mock casualness that perhaps she could find a low-rent apartment somewhere down south; and started a self-pitying whining rant about what a bitch she was, and how this was all probably her fault because if she had been a better wife, I would never have decided I liked guys better. So I finally told her that I was who I was, and while her behavior didn't MAKE me gay, and I DID have feelings for guys for years that I had done my best to bury, I would probably have had a lot more success burying then, and a lot more REASON to, if she hadn't been so critical, unkind, moody and nasty to me--because God knows, I tried to. Kind of went downhill from there, although we managed to declare a ceasefire by the time we got back to town.

    What I got out of all this is that she wants this experience to be about HER, and no one else, and she still wants to control me, even as I inch toward the door. I can understand her being angry and fearful, but I'm seeing what she says so much more clearly as trying anything to hit a nerve somewhere, and hit all the old buttons of making me feel like her miserable life is my fault. Made me realize how much control she managed to have over me by subtle manipulation (or not so subtle, really--she just knows that if she appeals to my sense of fairness and kindness and my overblown rescuer tendencies) and bullying. Listening to her flip between aggressor and victim, sometimes in the same sentence, was like watching the end of "Terminator 2", when the shape-shifting terminator lands in the molten steel, and as his chip melts, his metallic body goes from one distorted figure to another before shutting down completely.

    It's clear now that we will continue to coexist for awhile, but I can stop going out of my way to be kind and deferential. She will try and be my friend when it suits her, and my enemy if she feels that will be more to her advantage. Exactly the way she did before I came out to her, except then, I felt like I had to put up with it. I still recognize that there will be things about this that will be unpleasant for her, like her family members potentially picking on her about it and suggesting that she was so awful that she made me gay (they are really not kind people, many of them), or the fact that she really has no one she can talk to about this. I'm reluctant to point her to the Straight Spouses Network, since I found that site to be pretty venomous, but then again, the venom is there already, and I think she's much more interested in hurting me emotionally than healing herself--and sadly, I think that may always have been the case, but I never realized it. I had hoped for a more positive outcome in the end. maybe there's hope yet, but I think she needs more help than she's willing to admit, because this isn't all about my being gay--not by a long shot.

    Now it's about how to do right by the girls, and nothing else.
     
  19. greatwhale

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    Since before our separation my wife has been going for counseling (paid for by the insurance from my employer)...If the goal was to improve her in some mysterious way, I haven't noticed...

    You are right, kind and deferential is not the way to go. That only works if she wants to play. If she wants to win on the other hand...you'd better be prepared to play the same game.
     
  20. Dragonbait

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    Poor GW, she's made a cynic out of you. I don't get the sense that CB's wife is the same. I think she'd find much more satisfaction in whatever ending she would perceive as "losing".