Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Hello Highlander2, and welcome to EC!

You're right, of course, she will never look at you or think of you the same way again. You need to accept that.

Consequently, I would counsel you to start making concrete plans for a possible exit from the family situation. It can go two ways: she may remain reasonable, and you can seek couples counseling in order to resolve the inevitable disagreements that will occur during the process. She may also not remain reasonable, in which case you need to have a defence planned out.

A separation and a divorce are essentially negotiations. When one of the parties thinks "win-lose" that is a competitive negotiation, and you'd better be prepared to play win-lose if she approaches it that way. Nevertheless, reasonable people play win-win, so it will be critical to maintain that "reasonableness" as much as possible.

Hence, communicate, a lot more than you're probably used to, listen more than you talk; it doesn't hurt to cry a little when she does, and to show, to really demonstrate to her that you are feeling just as bad about the tragedy of this marriage but that you want it to be as painless and as orderly as possible.

Post here often, you are among friends who've been there or who are going through the same thing as you.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

Hi Highlander. Just want you to know I'm going through the same thing. I came out to my wife a week ago today and it's been hell watching the pain she's feeling as her world crumbles. She doesn't want me sleeping in the house, so tomorrow we'll be telling our two kids that I'm going to be living elsewhere... not looking forward to that.

You and I are in the lowest of the low point right now, but I still believe it's a courageous, compassionate and ethical journey we're on. It helps me to know that the status quo of staying closeted and married was bad and could only get worse. And while coming out feels like crap right now, it can only get better.

And congratulations on finding a guy you click with. No such luck here, but dreaming of the day.

Stay strong and be sure to read and participate in the discussions here in the "later in life" section. There are some incredible people here who are generous with their advice and support.

 

Highlander2, these things will not go away. Being torn is completely understandable. Welcome to EC. Use this space to talk it out, think out loud, put questions and struggles out. Take care of yourself. I applaud your wanting to figure the right way out, that's where I've been for four months now. Just a word about honesty, it starts to move and change things, clarify and bring into focus a lot of stuff that was probably just below the surface for a long time. It can be heart wrenching, it can be liberating. The advice given by GW and Spaceman is all worth listening to. You are not alone in this, you are not a freak/the most selfish guy ever. There are a lot of us in really similar circumstances and we can really, do really, provide a lot of support for one another. So stay a while, take what time you need, and congratulations on a fine first kiss, I'm jealous

 

Highlander, I'm also interested in your question and hope that people that have gone through something simular will chime in.

 

I've asked myself some similar questions...I came out to my wife 6 weeks or so ago. We're still living together, still sleeping together, having good days and strained days. In my case, she also has some emotional problems that had basically pushed me to the edge even before I really came to terms with being gay, and this hasn't helped any. Far from pushing me out of the house, she has gone so far as to suggest that we divorce so I can "get on with my gay life" but continue living together for the sake of the kids. (Which means, realistically, that she wants to continue to have someone to pay the bills, cook meals, do dishes and all the other stuff she manages to avoid doing.)

There are guys who come out of the closet and then jump back in for reasons of their own. Personally, I would have a hard time with that. First, because being gay has really percolated in the back of my brain for a very long time before I finally owned up to it, and I think I would have a very hard time turning it off at this point. Second, I can say honestly that when wew got married, I had feelings for guys that I did not understand or accept, and had every intention of burying them forever so that we could make a life together. The "lie" of loving her wasn't really a lie at that point, because I was really convinced it was truth. If I were to go back into the closet now, after telling her, that would be the real lie, because now I know what those feelings are, and exactly what they mean. I don't think I could tell her I was going to bury them again, and expect her to believe me. And I wouldn't feel honest about it in my own heart if I tried.

I understand the worries about the kids. Mine are 12 and almost 16, so I am much closer to them being adults than you are, but it's still a long ways off. We're still trying to determine how to work all this out. I keep coming back, though, to the fact that if I had all these unresolved feelings, I wasn't as happy as I truly thought I was, and she wasn't as happy as she might have been with a straight guy. The "happiness" that you had before might really have been much more safety and security and preductability than real happiness.

I wish you the best. There are so very many of us guys in various stages of the same thing you're going through.

 

Hello Highlander 2


Listen I can give you advice but in truth I just came out to my wife of 7 years and I am still trying to figure things out for myself . I can offer you a friendship and a sounding board .If you want to talk pm me love , I am here off and on all day .

 

It takes courage to follow that path, I am only contemplating that now myself after accepting I'm gay I now have to admit it to others.
Good luck on your journey

 

Hello Highlander2
Although like you I too have only come out properly later in life, I have never married and have no kids and I can only begin to imagine how painful it most seem to fear the hurt you may be causing your wife too. I hope and trust she has good friends who can support her as she deals with what you have told her. I guess she must go through whatever she has go through and do whatever she has to do. I feel that all you can do is be consistent and clear and not run away (I mean by that not run away emotionally - you may move out and live separately to give her space to find her new reality?). I sense that whatever happens you want to support her practically, financially and share the upbringing of your kids. But you are gay and not straight (you have not said your bisexual?) and so whatever you do you must stay authentic. Telling her was a courageous thing. That is why it is painful? Being vulnerable and honest to ourselves is painful. Is a lot of that pain - pain being released from the past? For me it is about letting go of all those years of procrastination and shame and doubt and guilt...of leading one life, but knowing that in truth you were in some respects someone else. God that's bound to be painful when we at last accept all that.

Now you have spoken that truth, trying to 'unspeak' it or imagine that you can go back in someone way to what you had before (as if you never said it) i believe can not work in the end.

When we at last come out we have to steadfastly remember that we are worthy good people. We are not 'coming out' in order to hurt others, but instead to reclaim the true, loving person underneath that society has made us hide and shame for so long.

Your wife, your kids and you will all be alright in the end, because you are all good worthy people. Hope EC continues to offer you some support? I know it will. Post often especially when you are 'wobbling'.

I have also personally gain much strength by joining a life coaching group for gay men and by seeing a (gay) therapist to help me to keep focussed on the light through bumpy and dark times.. There is a lot of support out there is you look for it

 

Highlander, I admire the courage it took to come out to your wife. You probably had a good idea of how she would react, but it had to happen.
However, I would advise you to put your children first and do whatever is best for them. They won't be young for long and they don't deserve to be hurt by your decisions. I know that you love them as you love your wife. Protect them as best you can while being true to yourself. If that means waiting to live out of the closet for awhile, please choose that. When you are older you will cherish the time you have with them and if you hurt them now they will not forgive you then. I've seen it happen.

 

Highlander, thanks for sharing. I am planning to come out to my wore very soon and your courageous story is definitely helpful.

As I've come to terms with my situation I see no way other than leaving my family. I'm really struggling with the guilt, but know its best for us all in the end.

 

Why do I believe this? Wow. Considering some women can be extremely suspicious and grill someone on their life's chronology if single for longer than usual, whatever usual may be, I'm at a loss for why some didn't question the situation when the manifestations are more obvious. For some, it's probably more about the security of the marital state and a lesser need for physical intimacy. In many cases where it seems like this is the situation, I have seen that the woman has the stronger personality and the man suits her to keep the alpha-beta equation in equilibrium, so it seems like it's a control issue. What I've seen.

Welcome Highlander2.

 

BINGO!!!

My wife was perfectly happy for years without me pawing at her, except when she wanted to use that fact to make me feel bad, for whatever reason suited her. The kiss that I gave her when leaving the house would never be reciprocated, the kiss goodnight was always given by me (and she often barely turned her head enough for me to kiss anything but the side of her head), and despite the complaints, if I DID try to initiate sex, it went nowhere unless she was 150% in the mood, which was basically never. (I used to remark that if there was a night where she was not sick, tired, cranky or angry, and actually WANTED to have sex, I would immediately have gotten dressed and bought a lottery ticket, because we were sure to win.) The gay speculation was often there, but used only as a control device to get me to prove myself.

Now that I have confirmed her suspicions, of course, she has tried numerous tactics to regain the control that she lost by my coming out to her, without any real success. The latest tactic is vague little implications that she will harm herself and "no one will care", such as by not taking her meds, or not avoiding foods that she has a (minor) allergy to. Or the whining complaint that I will probably be out and dating, but she will "never be able to trust a man again because my track record is so awful" (mind you, I have been loyal and caring and supportive for 20 years despite the fact that her worst moods runs the gamut from childish to batshit crazy).

Power, no doubt whatsoever. She knew damn well I was "different" and it suited her needs. And when all is said and done, I'll bet her next relationship will involve power and control as well, although perhaps not with a closet case.

 

Wow, Choirboy, and I was just thinking of 2 or 3 cases where they are textbook examples of this, though in 2.5 of 3 cases, I think the husbands are straight but really passive. It's more like that .5 case I'm thinking about. I won't go into the details, but more than a few people have made comments about the husband. I just listen to the comments and have my own opinion of the husband - which is the SAME as everyone else's!

Sometimes the next relationships are not that easy to come by. This is even the case for straight women who have exited straight marriages, albeit with a lot of drama. Most people don't want all the drama they drum up. However, some get sucked right into that vortex.

 

Hi Highlander. I can identify with all that you say. I am in the same position - want to be near the family to support them but knowing also that I can't 'ungay' myself. I too have met a guy who I am fond of. Terrified like you of the upheaval I am triggering. I cant afford to move out at the moment however and so my wife and I are living day to day - fairly amicably but it is a strain. For the moment I am going to have to stay - my wife does not want the children knowing or friends knowing and does not want me to see guys in case word gets out. Not sure what the future holds really-difficult to plan or see ahead.