So utterly lost, I am. I have the responsibilities of a family. A loving husband, and an amazing child who loves his daddy to pieces. I . On the other side, hopelessly searching who I really am, as a woman and as a human being. Me. Falling hopelessly in love with people who represented a part of me I had never known. It all started with a job interview. So trivial! After I met her, after I fell so hopelessly for her, I started recognizing behaviors, gazes, gestures, voices, demeanors...all around me. It's been so overwhelming. It has felt so good and comforting to be tacitly acknowledged and recognized. At the same time, I have been feeling as such a cheat every time I utter the words "my husband"...I have been so strong for so long...I don't know how much longer I can hold on...
IConfess, welcome to EC. You are not alone here. You are not the only one who is married with a child (children in my case) who has felt, is feeling this way. It can be hard to face when the reality and identity you thought you knew start to shake. Try telling us more. Get it off of your chest and out of your head so that you don't explode/implode. You are not uniquely isolated, not here, not with us. You are not alone!!
IConfess, I also say welcome to EC I am married with two children and also just came to the accept the fact that I'm gay. I'm still in the very early stages of sorting everything else. I'm not sure where I'm going to end up but I have found that posting on here and interacting with other members has been very helpful sorting out my feelings. I would encourage you to do the same. Over time I think you'll be able to determine what will be best for you. Most important thing to realize is that you are not alone!
I agree with Palimpsest. Please keep writing on EC, blog on EC, start a private journal to be read by only you! Read books, and keep uncovering the story that is within you. You are not bad, you are not unworthy, and you are not imperfect. You are simply uncovering a part of yourself that has been hidden. Try not to think negatively or judge yourself for what has gone undiscovered, or was hidden. There are many reasons why our true selves come into being later in life. The amount of homophobia that was thrust upon us is to blame. We can't help but to have internalized that homophobia. Take great joy in the fact that there are thousands of us on this site and elsewhere in the world who are cheering and supporting you every step along your path. Most of all, welcome! You are among friends here who are all having a similar journey.
I started out as a gay/bi man, who fell in love with a woman. Got married, going into it with my eyes open, I thought I knew what I was doing. Right now I am preparing to discuss with my wife the possibility of opening our marriage so I can have a boyfriend on the side. We've been married 17 years and the urges for a man have gotten to be more than I can stand. i'm really hoping that she will be willing to go along with my plan.
