Hi, never posted on here before. Married in my late 30s, with 2 kids. My husband knows I'm bisexual at v least. I've had 2 relationships with women, the last one has lasted a year. Please don't judge me, but I have kept this last relationship from him, I know morally it was totally wrong and in the end I couldn't do it anymore. I've tried to stay friends with this woman but at the moment she is respectfully keeping her distance because contact is too upsetting, but I miss her terribly and feel at a total loss and just empty. I'm wondering what the future holds for me and my husband, he's a good guy and good dad to the kids, anyone would think we have the perfect marriage and i feel like a total pig. But, its like I can't help myself and keep away from females, I just don't get the feeling with him like I do with a gf. I have anxiety and depression brought on I think Constantly monitoring myself, the way I walk and talk and being in the closet and living this double life. I have all sorts in my head at the moment, I just want to be happy again like I used to be years ago when I was afraid of being gay and could hide it away in its box. I don't want this to my life anymore secrets lies and hiding, does completely coming out make you happier at all. I'm just torn between the life I should be leading, it's like im watching someone else from afar sometimes like I'm disconnected and the thought of tearing my family apart and the repercussions and being selfish.
(*hug*) Welcome to EC Shelly11. Breathe please! You will find lots of support here. ---------- Post added 24th Oct 2013 at 05:40 AM ---------- Sorry -my post was so short. Here's is my excuse: Just went to coffee pot that beeped "done" I neither put coffee grounds or water in pot. Hoping the "on" switch to my brain will unstick soon! Please don't worry about anyone judging you here!
I recognize the struggle that you're having right now. In my timeline, it was last February when I came within a few hours of taking my life. I chose to not do that because of a Lenten message sent out from my Assoc. Pastor that simply said, "What burden would you chose to lay down, if you knew that God would still love you afterwards?" That's all it took for me. I knew the burden that I had to shed. I called my Senior Minister and the story took nearly 3 hours of gut wrenching disclosure, but when I was done, I felt lighter. I felt forgiven. And, I felt completely loved in my messy, confusing and uncertain status. She helped me to forge a pathway to wholeness and living as an out gay man because that is what would keep me safe....keep me feeling that my life finally made sense. Yes, some of it was going to hurt and others would feel that pain, as well, but her reassurance of healing was what gave me strength. You can choose any road forward, but I encourage you to develop a circle of support. Find ten people who will encourage you, listen to you, and love you....no matter what path you follow. Despite what we may think, those who love us really do want us to be happy. If coming out and living as a lesbian will do that, then the EC community will be here to support you as you move forward. Keep using the site and telling us what you're experiencing and feeling. Best wishes and a great big hug to you!
Hi Shelly and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. If you look for some of my threads you'll find my story. But the short version is that I came to realize after being married and having kids that I was attracted to men. I cheated with other men. I felt horrible and ended up dealing with it through addiction - which of course never ends well. I came out - because in the end I had no choice. And while things did get worse in the short term, it was the only way for me to feel better. And now, 7 years later, I have never been happier. Our kids are (reasonably!) well adjusted, my wife and I have both remarried. (MY husband is WAY better than hers, but I'm probably biased.) We get along well. I'm out to my family, my friends, my coworkers - to everyone. And it's wonderful. So yes, you can be happy again.
Welcome, Shelley! No judging here at EC! In fact, I have been having the same feelings and wondering if I should act on them. I'm married also and have not been intimate with my husband for almost 10 yrs. It's not that he doesn't 'try', but I just can't pretend anymore. We all have needs, Shelley...so try not to be so down on yourself. Welcome...(&&&) Ava
Shelly: the first thought that came to mind was: "Don't we all?!" I definitely miss the "innocent" days when I could believably sweep everything under the rug, and no one would question. Now, I am 30 years old, and my family's eyes are on me for marriage and children. I can feel their glare. Complications suck, don't they? I don't know what else to tell you, but I wish you luck and peace in your journey.
Thanks for your replies. I'm feeling a bit better today after speaking with a friend and having a bit of a talk with my husband last night. I'm going on holiday next week with family so I'm hoping I can distract myself a bit from problems. I'm waiting to start counselling as well soon.
