I am divorced from a man. We were only married 2 years (married in Fall 2009, separated Spring 2011, divorce final - Fall 2011). But we had a child in Fall 2010. Because our child has her father's last name, I opted to keep my married name when we got divorced. But now that we've been divorced as long as we were married, having this name bothers me. On the other hand, my maiden name is of course my father's name - and my father is not accepting of my sexuality. Also, when I was growing up I hated having a different name than mom (after she and my dad divorced and she remarried.) I know one lesbian couple where one woman changed her name to her partner's name. But all the other lesbian couples I know haven't done that. What is your thought process on the name issue- whether you've kept the married name or changed it after divorce?
I actually know 2 lesbian couples where one partner changed her name so that both of them matched. Small warning though - in one of the couples, the name change was instigated by one partner as a "surprise" and fell largely flat, because the other one was and is deeply unhappy in the relationship, but there are kids involved.... One more reason same-sex marriage should be legal across the board, because gay couples have the same positives and negatives as straight couples--there's no difference! My two (straight) sisters never took their husbands' last names. One of them made the decision in a sudden burst of twentysomething independence, and the other married in her late 30's and felt there was no point in changing her name by then. Other than the question of how the heck you address the Christmas cards, it seems to work fine for them. Another woman I know hyphenated her name after the divorce and so it was <maiden name>-<his name> for a few years, but then she remarried and took the new husband's name. (They couldn't decide what name to use for the kids, and her young daughter finally said brightly "I know what my name should be. KATIE!") Realistically, the rules are changing and you can pretty much do what seems comfortable to you. Obviously any change to your child's name will be subject to approval from your ex, and that may have to stay as-is. But If you want to use your mother's last name, or follow you matrilineal line as far back as you can go and take the first direct female ancestor you find, I'd say go for it.
It's interesting - many people asked my husband and I if one of us was going to change our names, and it had never occurred to either of us. And that's of course because when men marry, they don't change their names. I can see your dilema - your name does in some ways define who you are, and you aren't happy with your married name or your birth name. So I suppose you could choose a different one altogether, or you can just accept what you've got and decide that it isn't that important. Because YOU define who you are.
I did take my husband's name when we married (I had a very difficult maiden name and I was going the traditional route, after all) and now I'm certain I will keep it because of my kids - at least until my youngest graduates HS, which will be in three years. I wonder what I'll do then... by that time I'll have had his name longer than I had my own, and no one in my life at this point ever knew me as anything else, so it would be strange to go back. I guess I'll just see where my head is on the subject when the time comes. I do know one gay couple that hyphenated their names when they married.
I was divorced twice. I kept my first husband's name (and went back to it after my second divorce) because all three boys are his. My last name is the same is theirs. Right after I got married the first time my sister-in-law, who has my same first name, got married. If I were to change my name back to my maiden name there would be two of us in the family. Yeah...
Hi there. I'd like to share my world view with you. Perhaps some of it might give you some ideas or inspiration. According to my world view women are encouraged to retain their own name even after getting married. They can change their name, if they wish, but so can anyone. The reason for this is to solely respect the woman's identity. She is not a possession of any human being. Her acts and deeds are hers. If she writes an incredible medical paper, then she should be proud of that with her own name. I really don't agree with the western culture of the woman changing her name. I've always thought it bit strange and demeaning. Perhaps I am a bit hypersensitive? Anyway, that's my personal opinion only! ----- With couples I have known who have Japanese partners, as the culture there is very different, then couples will often opt to have both names and hyphenate them. Like Yamato-Smith or something like that. This is a different situation to yours, but, it's free information
Oh yeah, I feel it's very sexist and everything that the woman has always been the one to have her name changed (well, at least until more recent times I guess) and the guy has never had to. And I think, why should anyone be expected to change their name anyway? Whoever the relationship consists of; two guys, guy and girl, two ladies, etc. it should just be up to each individual if they wanna do whatever to their name, you know?
I have three children from my marriage. When I got divorced I kept his last name because it was my childrens last name and also I didn't like my maiden name. At the time my kids were younger, and very worried that I would not have the same last name as them. So, I still ahve it, but now that I am commited to my wife, I hypenate our last names. Once it becomes legal in my state to get married, and my kids are of legal age, I will change it to her last name.
My fiance and I are both planning on changing our last names entirely. My mom changed back to her maiden after all of us were out on our own and old enough to understand.
