For the sake of "no surprises," I try to live as honestly as possible. The only aspect of my life that isn't honest is the fact that I desire males in some form and that only a handful of people know. Having come out yesterday to a friend who I thought surely knew and pled to me that he had no idea has made me rethink the process. I was hoping that he really did know and that he was going to tell me that other people knew. I won't have it as easy as I had hoped. I'm a few months past 27 years. It's a little later than I care for, but better late than never. My problem is that my life is steeped in straight culture, both activities and friends. I'd really like to keep it that way, but I'm not quite sure how both worlds would coexist. I'm just mostly concerned about my friends accepting me. Anyone else been through, or is going through this?'
Joey4, welcome to EC. Anyone else, probably just about every single one of the thousands of members here is going through some version of the concerns about coming out. Trying to figure out how to put two pieces of a life into a single space when you are convinced they may not fit together. My simplest advice right now is, talk to us. Read some threads and see our stories. I think you'll find a surprising amount of strength and encouragement in them. Then, talk to us. Talk it out. You are not alone in this, you really are not.
Welcome, Joey! I'm 3 years older than you, but I'm sort of near where you are in your gay "status." I just began coming out a little over a month ago. Right now, I have 3 gay friends from the bar in my town, and I've come out to a female friend whom I've known since we were teenagers. You showed real courage in coming out to your friend! Remember that his reaction is just one reaction. Other friends may just be waiting for you to say the words. Honestly, you're braver than me. I strategically picked a girl whom I know is gay-friendly. I didn't have the guts to tell a straight male friend. That shows great fearlessness on your part. I agree with the advice above to read some of the threads on this site. You'll get great insight. Also, you are YOUNG! You haven't missed any boat. You're just getting started in life! Celebrate.
Hey Palimpsest. Thanks for the words. I've been here just a little over a year. Happy anniversary to me, ha. I read in and out of threads a lot and while I do identify with some, I find that a lot of people here are younger, whose lives are just a little different. While I understand that really, it's all the same, I hope to find people are who more like me: a little older and straight-acting. I thought this section of the forum was reserved more for people that were in their 40s and 5Os, but I've seen people around my age post here. And I thought maybe some people end up here because their life had consisted of being lumped in with straight culture. And for the record, I'm saying there's anything wrong with camp or straight. I just identify with straight because that's what I know.
I think you understand your situation well. You live life in the str8 culture and you're happy with it; however, you're bi. I'm in a similar situation. It's a bit frustrating. It's like you're shopping for a Ford on a Chevy lot. You would do better on a Ford lot. You might be comfortable on the Chevy lot and you have friends there. There's nothing wrong with that. But, to meet your very basic need for sex you'll want to wander over to the Ford lot. Sex is at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid. It's one of the basic needs we need to meet to be happy.
Joey, don't worry about hanging out with us "older" folks. And here I am, in many ways, much newer to all of this than you giving advice. Happy anniversary indeed! I'm 37 and finally relented and came out to myself four months ago (of course the story is longer and more complicated than that). I wish I'd faced myself in my 20's when I was really beginning to suspect that I was gay. Instead, I got married and started a family. See, that alone should make you feel young and ready to go! As to having to make drastic changes so that you can come out as you'd like to, who says that you do? There is no right way to be. You don't have to behave differently. Yes, some of your straight friends might freak, but maybe they won't. You are still you. If the weight of hiding is becoming too much to handle, then let it go. That does not mean you have to loose yourself in the process.
For as long as I've been here, this is probably the most comfortable I've felt and we're really not even deep into this thread yet. Thanks guys. Palimpsest - it's funny. I read stories by some of these kids and say "I wish I had done this ten years ago." It's wild to think that here you and I wish the same and we're 10 years in difference. I still have feelings for females, sexually and emotionally. There are times where I could see myself starting a family and while that all sounds fantastic, I'm glad I haven't for all my unsatisfied and unresolved desires. I'm out to four straight friends, one female cousin. No freakouts yet. Right now, though, I feel like it's a poker game and I'm wagering small bets. I haven't thrown out any large chips yet and I'm itching to, but obviously I don't want to lose them, ya know? I feel like coming out is no less strategic than a poker game. They have to be the right people in the right situation and so far I've folded a few hands, wondering if I should've played. Who are you out to so far?
I get where you are coming from. Your past the high school/college still finding yourself stage. Yet your not like so many of us older folks dealing with spouses and kids. You remind me of myself ten years ago. If this site was around then I never found it. I was single 28, dating women openly and occasionally meeting men privately. I thought about coming out but as a bisexual man I just didn't think it fit into my life. The best thing is that you have no wife or kids to deal with now. I wish I had had the courage to come out at your age. Now I have a GF and a kid. I wish I had been upfront with my GF before we had a child together. It was her right to know what she was getting herself into. I commend you for you courage coming out to your friends. I know it must be nerve racking. I am only out to my GF. I would like to come out to my close friend but I no he has issues with homosexuality. I have chickened out each time. I chickened out when I tried to tell my parents the other day. Its tough even though I know they will be supportive. I just don't want them looking at me differently. But when I rationalize it that is ok because that is who I am. I recently realized if I am going to come out to the people around me I have to become more comfortable with the fact that I am bisexual. I used to look at rainbow flags and thing that was for other people not me. I wasn't comfortable associating myself with a rainbow flag waving gay man but the fact is I too am queer. So started taking steps to become more comfortable. Like I changed the wall paper on my phone to a rainbow flag, and got some stickers and put them discretely around the house where I would see them. I'd like to find some guys that I'm not into to hang out with. Keep looking around on here and I am sure you will find some like minded folks. There are plenty out there much like yourself.
I love the poker analogy. So to answer your question: I've outed myself to my brothers, my best friend from childhood, a gay friend, a trans friend and my brothers best friend who came out as trans one week after I came out to my brother, my wife (though she technically outed me to myself), our common friends who happen to be a gay couple, a former colleague in ministry over sees, a gay pastor I just met recently...See the pattern? Notice how I say I'm eclectically out? That could be read as carefully, deliberately and without great risk as of yet. Of course, in my case, my paycheck is literally on the line until I'm in a different career or a gay friendly church. My desire is to be out to everyone. My family will soon know, and the one that I am the most freaked out about, my kids.
I have gone through the same thing. I was raised in an evangelical Christian religion that was very anti-gay. I never met a single gay person that I knew was gay until my upper 20's and even then I still couldn't admit I was gay. Other than making occasional jokes and comments, gay people were never discussed. Well I eventually got over it and started dating only to keep it a secret from my family. I was sure the two worlds could not co-exist. Then I realized that my world isn't any different then their world. My "lifestyle" was no different then theirs, and certainly not defined by the gender of the person I fell in love with. I eventually came out to my parents a couple of years ago and it really didn't go that bad. They have some trouble understanding, because I'm the only gay man close to them. However, to my surprise, I'm not the only gay person they know. It really didn't change much of anything. Recently I came out to my brothers and my best friend. It didn't change anything again. In fact is was much more uneventful than I was expecting. My brother told me stories of some of his clients who he found out were gay when they introduced him to their partners. I was the one that made a bigger deal of it in my mind. I still live in a straight world with mostly straight friends. I have a boyfriend now which I'm trying to figure out the best way to introduce him to my family. But overall, I just way over thought the impact coming out would have. Hope this helps.
This story does help, actually. I think I do the same thing to myself, as far as thinking it's a bigger issue than it really is. Even the last person I came out to didn't seem to care. It's funny because my favorite advice is not to worry about yourself because no one else is. Everyone is too busy being worried about themselves. This just seems different somehow. I see what you've done. I know a few gay people. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with some of them. Everyone I've come out to thus far has been straight. Maybe it'll be a different experience if I told to someone who is gay. What do you do for work if I may ask?
Been there to a T I resisted coming out partially due to fear of losing my friends. The pressure mounted as each of them entered relationships till eventually I was the only one single. It wasn't until I had resigned myself to the fact I would lose them as friends, that I finally had the courage to come out. Not one, not a single one thought anything of it, they all embraced me as they know me - a good friend. In fact it was such a non event I ended up feeling guilty for living a lie so long. You'll be fine
Joey4 I can only repeat some of earlier posts. I am 50, and only came out properly 2 years ago. And the worst thing about coming out has been regretting I didn't do it earlier - when i was 38 or 28 or 18!! You are lucky you do not have the complication of a marriage or kids. So there really is only one person stopping you coming out to more people. Yourself. I found that I could so easily conjure up a million reasons and excuses to not come out. Fear of being different. Fear of being rejected. A deep shame and guilt which i had barely acknowledged myself. I also wanted to come out as a gay but remain in my comfortable str8 world - the only world I had ever known. And in the end I just had to 'face the fear' and do it anyway. May be I am just incredibly lucky but not a single friend, colleague or family member has re-acted badly - instead its ranged from at worst 'mild indifference' to 'enthusiastic support'. And yes I have met other gay people properly now as well. I joined a gay walking group and life coaching group. I have also been having therapy (from a gay therapist). The inner journey since coming out has at times been 'interesting'. I never realised how much internalised homophobia I had, and how much deep shame. But as I realise and release all these layers - it just keeps getting better. So yes you could carry on reading lots of affirming threads on EC and asking more questions here, but also you could just start telling more people. Just do it. It will be okay and then you can at last step out into your true authentic life. Enjoy it...
