The Reinvention Process

Can't really help you here. But I have thought about it. It would solve alot of issues but I just can't do it.

 

Bear, I'm in the same process as you. Can't guide you through it, but I can go through it with you.

Divorce will come a bit later for me. Starting a new career. Deciding on wether to become an openly gay pastor as an aside. Hungary for new friends since I can't seem to find more than 5 out of my hundreds of contacts that matter to me at the moment.

The only conclusion that I've come to is that I don't want to overthink it. I started to do that and realized that I was doing that today. My biggest issue, and this may be true for you too, is that it seems like there are too many moving pieces to deal with at one time, and I don't have the luxury to be able to deal with them all one at a time. It is a balancing act. So I prioritize to the best of my ability.

Obviously job is pretty high on the list and will probably help with some of the rest of your list. Support network of friends is good, but friends to just hang out with would, for me, be a lifesaver right now. I think that is just a question then of where to look and what kind of friends you want to make. Spirituality can take its time, but could be dovetailed into the friends thing if you find a good supportive LGBT church, and they do exist. Controlling the anxiety along the way is probably the hardest portion of the reinvention exercise. You have us to help with some of that, don't keep it bottled up, get it out.

Never forget, you are not in this alone.

 

I've reinvented myself more times than I can count, and none of them were ever the real me. So this time I'm working on a major renovation instead.
*Divorce - FINALLY on our way, made that long awaited appt with a mediator today
*New Job - I put that first on my own list, just about this time last year, because I knew I could never afford the divorce unless I started making some $$. Started working again in May.
*Moving to a new city. Well, moved to a new state 2.5 yrs ago hoping that would help me find happiness, but apparently location wasn't my problem. Will have to stay either in or very near my current town for the next 3 years so my son can finish HS where he started. THEN I'm heading to SF, baby!
*New Friends - This house was my 7th house, 7th city, 5th state, in 18 years. I'm an old pro at making new friends - although the deep, abiding kind are a rare breed, few and far between, and definitely worth cherishing and nurturing, no matter the distance. If anyone wants tips on how and where to make new friends, feel free to slap a message on my wall, I'm happy to share what has worked for me!
*Spirituality. Lost that many years ago, although have recently been thinking I need to do some reading about Buddhism. In my spare time. Once I'm done reading about divorce, children of divorce, coming out, etc. etc.

Here's one you didn't have listed:
*New career - got the new job because it's what I've always done, but what I really want to do is something completely different, requiring a different set of creds. So, once I've split from STBE, set up new housekeeping, found some new routine, I'm going to start taking classes to get myself qualified for what I really want to do.

But Bear, through all my reinventions and relocations, one thing that I have learned is to have patience and give myself time. Most of those items on your list are HUGE changes taken on alone. Don't expect and don't pressure yourself to accomplish them all over night. Or within a month, or even within a year. Prioritize, decide what makes the most sense, figure out what is the most pressing, then work from there.

Take it all one step at a time and don't get down on yourself when you're not where you thought or hoped you'd be at any point in time. You can take action, but you don't have complete control. There are so many outside forces and variables at play with every one of those things you listed, so just do your best and be kind to yourself throughout the process.

Good luck!

 

This year, 2013, has been the most extreme year for changes in a long time for me. I have kept things stable for 20 years while married, but it's the "stability" of a boulder balancing on a pebble. This year it all finally toppled over.

I started the year sleeping on the couch, no longer sharing the bed with the STBX, in February I realized I'm gay, totally new job in March (I've been looking but this one completely fell from heaven, a head-hunter sought me out). Moved out in April and now living on my own again, first gay relationship in May, first gay breakup in June, first pride parade in August, first time representing myself in court, first pierced ear a couple of weeks ago (perhaps as a physical sign to represent how extraordinary this year has been). And throughout all of this, I have made more new friends and acquaintances in the last 7 months than in all the 23 years of my relationship with the STBX combined.

Throughout all of this I have somehow maintained my sanity, and have drawn upon resources I never thought I had. My new job is finally using my scientific skills, I have the best supervisor I have ever had.

Sometimes I wonder if some kind of grace has befallen me for all the years of misery. As Jung would say, the synchronicities are too many to ignore.

So yes, reinvention is the order of the day, as I have stated before, we are trying on new roles, a new performance. And in realizing that we are performing, that our true selves can never really be grasped, the whole idea of a "self" collapses, opening the gates to finding love; which is what we all need to give.

 

Bear: I haven't experienced any real reinvention yet. But then again, I have only been in the gay "hemisphere" for a little over a month. I'm 30. I'm giving myself 3 years to somehow get out of this town.

I agree with the poster who said that trying to sort it all out at once is overwhelming. Maybe it would be easier to concentrate on a new job first? Realistically, nothing else can materialize until you have secured a job somewhere else.

I don't have any profound insight to offer, but I wish you the best of luck!

 

My "reinvention" is more of a gradual morphing. Most of the people I know see the external signs and assume it's mostly the result of losing so much weight--I appear more confident, energetic, and enthusuastic, and my wardrobe has gotten a little more "hip" (according to my teenage daughter). If they were to look a litte closer, they might notice the more subtle things. No more wedding ring (it kept slipping off my now-thin fingers--a nice bit of symbolism, that), more visible at my children's activities and considerably less at my wife's, and a little more willing to spend more time doing singing gigs and such at church because I'm less concerned with being snarled at for not being home. And I'm definitely checking out guys more. A LOT more. Not obnoxious gawking (at least, I don't think so), but any guy that I have even the slightest suspicion about gets a whole lot of eye contact and a big smile at the very least.

Some things have not changed at all. Finances are still terrifying and I can't seem to convince my wife that I'm not just being cheap and mean. Although she knows I'm gay, we still sleep in the same bed, I still give her the "duty kiss" when I leave the house, and unless we're alone for long enough for her to start asking awkward questions, our "conversations" still amount to me pretending to listen to her latest monolog about her mother, students, or latest activity that proves the utter worthlessness of many of the people she knows. Bugs me, but we are going to need to coexist for awhile, so I am sucking it up and letting her talk and talk and talk.

The next steps aren't as clear. We've had some discussions about divorce, although money is a huge roadblock for that (debt, and the fact that she can't seem to grasp the concept of a "full time job"). The kids are a huge sticking point as well; she is very much afraid that I will try to "take the girls away" from her, which I won't (and legally in this state, I can't anyhow), but the fact is that THEY want me to, and are very blunt about that, so I'm stuck in an unpleasant catch-22 once divorce becomes a reality. I'm also trying to get past some cold fears about my old single life, which wasn't a ton of fun. Most of that was because of some very painful upheavals in my life at the time, but I'm only now finally trying to pull that out of the equation.

Sudden change isn't something I handle well. But I have to say I'm getting frustrated with how slowly things are moving, and the realiztion that no matter how hard I try, I can't make this perfect for everyone, much as I would like.

 

I have been through several items on your list over the past 2 years and change.

* Getting a Divorce- separated in spring 2011, divorce final in fall 2011
* Finding a new job - I got a new job in early 2011 so I could have the means to separate & divorce. I started another new job in August 2013 because my Ex stopped paying child support. (The fact that I was falling in love with a coworker was further motivation to get out of there. As of today, I think she and I are finally ready to start dating!)
* Moving to a new city - I moved from the suburbs to the city when I got separated. After a year I had to move again. Now I live in the most lesbian friendly part of my city and I love it.
* Finding all new friends - fortunately I didn't have to make all new friends but I have very much enjoyed connecting with new LGBT friends. Now I try I balance my old and new friends.
* spirituality - I already was in a LGBT friendly church and that has been a wonderful supportive community throughout my coming out process. I love my episcopal church.

Good luck. One day and one step at a time!

 

I think my story is also more of a gradual morphing, which is sometimes the perfect speed and sometimes frustratingly slow.

• Attended my first and second gay prides
• Attended my first LGBTQ conference
• Attended my first gay meet-up event
• Finally checked the "interested in men" box on FB
• Dressing more colorfully
• Participating openly in LGBT spirit events
• Trying to live the mantra, "What other people think about me is none of my business..." to counter my anxieties

One step at a time, one day at a time—keep moving forward, celebrate your successes, and be kind and compassionate to yourself as you continue your evolutionary journey...

 

Totally reinvented from even a year ago. Totally out, in a relationship with more femme BF, new job, changed how I dress, lost 20 straight lbs, etc. I am more comfortable now than I have ever been. Never in a million years three years ago would I have guessed I would be out, living with a fantastic BF, "stereotypically" gay, living in a very gay city, and totally at ease with my homosexuality. It happens. Good luck.