"Work crush" becoming much more

A couple of months ago I posted about having a crush on an older lesbian at my office. Initially I knew she was in a LTR with another woman, but neither of us had even acknowledged being gay. When I finally came out to her in late summer, she reciprocated and mentioned having a partner. She also offered to try to set me up with someone. I thought that might help me get over her. But about a month later, after I changed jobs, we exchanged some risqué texts, which necessitated a conversation about boundaries. I told her my sole but deal-breaker issue was that she had a partner. We tried to keep it professional but the flirting and desire to communicate increased. We had to have a longer conversation. We confessed our feelings for each other. We didn't want to act on those feelings. She really wanted to be aboveboard. Long story short, she told her partner of 17 years about her feelings for me and desire to date me. This was prior to us even holding hands. They started therapy. I told her we couldn't talk at all but went back on that. We have continued to email and text and see each other at lunch. This week we actually severed our professional relationship to clear the way ethically for a personal relationship. I've just been waiting for her to move out. (We haven't had sex or even spent longer than an hour together at a time, and then only in public.) I realize that her ending such a long relationship to just date me seems crazy and it puts an inordinate amount of pressure on out potential relationship. But we are really drawn to each other. I've never felt anything like this. I did have sex with my exgf when she came to visit at Labor Day but I thought about this woman all the time. I tried to date someone I met online but had to tell that woman I was hung up on someone else. Her partner has maligned me as being really straight just because I recently came out. For having a small child and looking for a sugar mama. She said that she rejects all those arguments. Anyway I am writing today because things came to a head between them today. They are either moving out of their house today (one or both of them) or the partner will convince her to stay (and stop contacting me.) I have no control over that but have to wait it out.

I never meant to fall for a woman in a relationship. Likewise she did not mean to fall for me. I never knew the feelings were reciprocated. And I feel terrible for her partner.

When I posted about this before, I was told to stay away from her. I am aware of the "bad karma." My in person friends warned me to stay away until / unless she left her partner. I can't believe that might be happening as I type.

 

I just wrote a really long response and it disappeared. Darn iPhone navigation.

I'm still waiting. Neither of them left tonight. They took almost the whole day off work to discuss and see the therapist.

Waiting is the worst. But my potential gf says her feelings and intentions for me haven't changed. She asked if I was going anywhere. I said no. I am ok with that, for now. But I don't know how long.

---------- Post added 25th Oct 2013 at 09:38 PM ----------

That sounds ominous. I have strong feelings for her and very much hope to explore that by having a relationship. But I'm not going to be this close to the drama forever. She needs to sort out her current relationship. I gave her some pointed advice on that, advice that may not have come out well.

 

I'm trying to sort out my current role. She needs space to deal with her STBX but also wants reassurances that I am still me and I'm not going anywhere. She is staying at a friend's tonight, for how long, I don't know. I am treading water, doing my normal things - trying to enjoy mothering my daughter, seeing friends, doing Halloween activities. But my heart is so full and I'm constantly thinking about her.

 

She left their house yesterday and is staying with a friend. She's coming over to my house for the first time tonight. I'm really excited. But also it seems surreal, like I won't believe it until it happens.

 

She says she's ready to be public about dating me. I asked her to go to something at my church next week and she said yes. That is good.
I am upset about the amount of contact she's still having with the woman she just left. So we are going to have a big conversation about expectations tomorrow. We've already emailed and discussed in on the phone. But we need to talk in person.

 

Jessisgurl1... Thank you so much for your comment.

The feelings between me and this woman are so strong. I mean it wasn't rational for her to have confessed her feelings for me to her partner of almost 20 years and then separate from her without any guarantee that it will work out between us - it's not rational / logical but love rarely is.

She feels guilty and I think her agreements with regard to the amount of contact with her (ex? Estranged?)partner despite the separation are motivated by that. I've encouraged her to see a counselor individually so she can be clear about what she wants and what she is willing to do for her ex. I want to avoid letting guilt poison what we are developing. I have faith that we can avoid letting that happen - with lots of communication.

Despite all of these details, I am unbelievably happy.

 

I had relationships with women when I was in my late teens and twenties, when I identified as bi, before I married and divorced a man. So it's not like she's the first woman I've fallen for. My first love was a woman and first adult relationship was with a woman.

This woman and I connect on so many levels. I've never had a relationship with someone, make or female, who was a Christian in more than name. We both are involved in out churches. Being able to talk about that is amazing. We are both attorneys. We connect intellectually and enjoy talking about that. I love the way her mind works. We place the same value on family relationships. Her relationship with her mother is like mine with my mother. Same with extended family. We have complimentary interests in books and music, etc. I feel unbelievably connected to her. I think it's safe to say that we wowed each other.

To me it's telling that her long time friends are actually happy for her and for us. She and her partner had problems long before she met me. Of course it would've been cleaner for them to have parted ways before we met, but that's not what happened. We have tried to make this as above board as possible. I mean she told her partner about me before we'd even brushed hands accidentally. We had grown close over two years of working together. So we had a lot of conversations and knew each other well. We knew we wanted to explore our feelings and attraction for each other. But we couldn't do that while she was with her partner. That's what I meant about this not being rational.

One positive development is that the couples counselor they've been seeing - who will now help them convert the separation into a permanent split- has helped them both understand that their core differences are at issue, apart from me. I think that helps with the guilt factor.

The woman she's separated from is 10 years older than her. I'm 12 years younger. So I'm 22 years younger than her STBX.

I understand everyone's concerns and doubts. In many ways we are living out a familiar tale. I'm in the role of the younger other woman. But I think we are doing our best to write the plot we want. There are no guarantees about the outcome. But I am enjoying being able to talk about her and date her openly very much.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2013 at 04:15 PM ----------

I didn't even mention the insane physical attraction. It's off the charts.