I know this is wrong. Not only is she married with three kids but I have a partner. I just can't help myself. This is so stupid and destructive. Even if she kissed me or slept with me which I don't ever think she would do, she's just not bisexual or lesbian and would never have a relationship with be. She is definitely attracted to me. She is subtle but flirts in texts or just in the little witty teasing comments. She is attracted but I think she is terrified of her attraction. I have never mentioned having a partner or anything that would indicate that I'm not straight because I'm not out at work but she knows I'm attracted to her. I just can't stop thinking about her. I don't know what is wrong with me. A married female co-worker with three kids. Could it get any worse? Well I'm sure it could but this was not a smart thing to do. She just needs someone to appreciate her and support her and I'm so sorry that I can't be that person. I mostly love being a woman and would not want to be a man. I occasionally fantasize about how life would be easier if I were a man but that's only on rare occasions of frustration being a woman. I'm so taken with this woman that I wish I could be a man for her. I know she would never been with a woman. She might give me a kiss or more one day but it would be a straight or bicurious one time event. It would never be more. If I were a man, I would make her leave her husband and just sweep her off of her feet and shower her with the love and attention that she is missing. This is so bad.
I know the feeling. I like my straight female co-worker as well and all I can do all day is stare at her. I can't tell her how I feel and I don't want to ruin her relationship with her bf. I know how it feels before, I've been there. I lost the fight when my ex gf left me for a guy. The right thing to do now is to be a friend. But if she likes you too..love will find a way..
Please don't think me heartless...but I'm going to be a bit realistic with my appraisal: She has three children. Maybe I'm weird, but I would personally do nothing that could jeopardise the happiness and stability of children. Who am I kidding? I'm definitely weird! These are totally just my opinions and I accept that. I do also think that it's very easy to read into everything when you like someone. In this state of mind, there's a fair share of self obsession and self importance - but in an unhealthy way. I write witty and funny texts, I am affectionate with platonic female friends. On occasion this has lead to misunderstanding and heartache, so now I'm very careful. Also, sad to say, a lot of straight people enjoy flirting with gay people. It makes them feel like they're being accepting etc. More than anything, you deserve someone who you can have an exclusive relationship. And you shouldn't despise yourself for what you are at all. Do not underestimate how much you can help and support her - as Toushiro said. But try to do so in a genuine way, out of genuine love - not a selfish desire. Regardless of which gender you identify with more (this can change with time), please don't despise who you are at any given moment Life is a hard and complex journey with enough external pressure to worry about not liking ourselves. The fact is, you've done nothing wrong now. Nothing. I personally believe in the opposite of thought crime. If you think something bad, but don't act upon it - that's a really positive thing, right? All the best. Please forgive me if I said something harsh, I'm just offering a different perspective.
Thanks. It's nice for someone to understand how I feel. That was really all I was looking for when writing that post. She doesn't love me. I don't know if she loves her husband but she is straight and there isn't anything to do to change that ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2013 at 09:44 AM ---------- I don't think you are weird at all nor am I offended. I'm the one that wants to have an affair with a married woman. That's what's offensive here. The children are older 13 - 18 but their ages makes no difference. I am a teacher and my life has been about helping children both academically and emotionally, I would not want to break up a family because I'm attracted to their mother. I know she is not going to leave her husband and break up her family for a fling. I also know that if anything did happen all it could be is a fling. Would I selfishly pursue it anyway? That is the question I'm struggling with. I have had rational "conversations" with myself where I tell myself to back off and just stop the little flirting but then she will flirt a little with me and all of that rational thought goes right out the window. The only thing that stops me from trying to encourage a kiss is that if we are not going to be a couple, it is truly wrong to stir these doubts in her mind about her sexuality. She is such a good person and if she ever decided to give in and just kiss me, she would regret it and that's what I don't want to do to her. I don't want to ruin her peace of mind. I really don't want to be a man. I love being a woman but she is a straight woman and I know she is attracted to me perhaps not physically but because if how I encourage her, listen to her and show my interest. If I were a man, she would not have allowed me to get so close but if I were a man, she might consider it. I know this is wrong. There is no part of me that thinks this is ok but I've fallen for her so much and I just don't know how to get rid of this. We work together and I see her everyday.
I still maintain, I do not believe in thought crime. You should not beat yourself up for looking for a solution. You have actually done *nothing* wrong. You feel bad by the potential of hurting someone else. Do you see how much better of a place the world would be if more people were like you? hmm...this might be too early or scary, but it's just an idea. If you think she genuinely likes and cares for you, as a friend, as a human being, why not tell her? Or at least discuss it with her. From the sounds of it, it already seems like you've helped and supported her a bit. I think friendship is like any relationship in that the best ones are a two way process. Perhaps it is just me, but if a male friend came out to me, and then told me that they thought they fancied me, I would not push them away. I could not reciprocate the feelings, but at least I would be there for them in a supportive capacity. I will also add that some of my best friendships have been with women who I have fallen head over heels for, yet rejected me. I've been friends with those wonderful people longer than they've had/known their romantic interests. In a weird way, my relationship with those people is more permanent. I think you're in a slightly better position if the children are older - as they are. Children can be very tough, as long as they feel they have the love and support they need. I am 100% sure you would not get in the way of that. There are a myriad of factors which need to considered. I lack the information to do it. I think it's important that the final decision is yours. But talking to her, discussing it with her will give you give yourself relief, and not in such a way that you are forcing her to do anything - which you clearly wouldn't. The other thing which could help you, is actually creating a bit of distance. If you can, take a short break and get away from your everyday environment. If you work in the same place and city, there'll be a whole lot in your immediate environment that reminds you of her. I don't think these ideas are mutually exclusive. It sounds like you need answers (i'm so perceptive, aren't I?), and I think she's the only person who can help you find them. Do take care of yourself
I could never discuss it with her. I don't often think straight women are flirting with me. I do have a friend that knows I'm bisexual and she does flirt with me but its a joke and we both know it. We are great friends. Since she is a work friend, I have not mentioned anything about my dating life. I was often of the opinion that if asked directly, I would not lie but as the years have gone on, I just can't all if a sudden say as a matter of fact I am "dating" someone. We live together and we have lived together for all of the years that you have known me. Her name is _____. I don't think she will ever ask me because she knows that I like her beyond friend and co-worker. She knows I'm smiling just a little too much and complimenting often and noticing the little things that you only notice if you are interested and vice versa. If she was told about my gf, she would not flirt because then she couldn't pretend she didn't actually know that I'm interested. I also couldn't flirt because she would know definitively that I like women. I caught her looking at my cleavage one day and she knows that I caught her. She was so flustered about being caught. I actually felt bad for her. I've noticed similar incidents when she knows I realize she is flirting. She is scared and why wouldn't she be? I know I should just stay away and try to distance myself as much as possible but I love being around her. She makes me want to become a better person. I know that I haven't done anything wrong yet but i am also in a relationship. Sometimes I just wondered if it would be different if she were not married. I know people get divorced, my current partner is divorced with older kids and I consider them to be my step-kids and they consider me to be the same. So it's not the kids so much as it is her personal state of mind. She would feel awful if she cheated and I don't want to cause her pain. I think this whole being attracted to me has caused her quite a few sleepless nights. Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.
I have several thoughts. First, just because she's married to a man does not mean she's straight. Every bisexual woman who marries a man becomes invisible. Likewise, think of all the married or previously married people are on this very forum. Secondly, she probably already knows about your partner - if someone googles your name, any property owned jointly or activities that you do together may come up. She may be wondering why you never mention your live in partner. I recommend coming out to her about your relationship. You can't really be friends unless / until you're honest about that. Thirdly, don't have a conversation about your attraction to her unless / until you are willing to accept the consequences of acting on it. You are playing with fire. I speak from the experience of falling for a partnered lesbian at work. We no longer work together and are very slowly removing barriers to dating each other. She is ending a 17 yr relationship to date me. (Everyone says to wait until she actually leaves her partner to count on it. I have a separate thread about that.) ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2013 at 02:36 PM ---------- By the way, I hope I don't sound judgmental! I'm not. We can't help who we love but we do have to accept the consequences.
I feel the need to second this advice. You are in a relationship. She is in a relationship. You have to tread lightly because there can be far reaching and dramatic consequences to any decision you make. And that is not a judgement at all, just a word of caution.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I don't think you are being judgmental at all. I just wanted to respond to a few things. My partner and I do not own anything jointly. If my address was googled, it would be assumed that I purchased this house from a couple as what generally shows up is both of their names. I may as well be a visitor to this home. I don't think she is bisexual. I think she is so shocked by her attraction and this possibility of being with a woman has either never crossed her mind or its never anything she allowed herself to think about for any extended period of time. She is truly a good person of high moral character and cheating would probably devastate her personally. My being a woman would just add an extra layer. I know this sounds harsh but it would not devastate me. I know it's wrong but that's how I feel. I agree with you about not having a conversation about being attracted to her unless I'm willing to accept the consequences. As for her knowing I have a partner, I sincerely doubt that has crossed her mind. I'm sure she suspects that I'm not straight, I am flirting with her but I don't think she really wants to know because then she can't pretend that it was just friendly. Only an a*****e if a woman would flirt with someone that they know is attracted to women and act like they had no idea they might be sending another message. She's not like that. Best of luck with your situation. I hope it works out for you. It can't have been easy. ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2013 at 05:51 PM ---------- I couldn't agree more with this assessment. If I could shut off these feelings, I truly would for her sake. She doesn't need this crap. I'm so sorry that I have somehow caused her to examine these feelings that she has for me. I don't wish that confusion on anyone, especially if nothing will ever come of it. There is no good reason why I would be attracted to her. Yes she is damn cute, bright, witty and charming, ok I see now. I guess it's inevitable that I would be attracted to her but I'm not in the habit of pining after married straight women. Sure it has happened before but it's usually just a harmless fantasy. This is bordering on falling in love and I'm so scared that is going to happen. I do not want to fall in live with this woman. It has no future.:bang:
You are under no obligation to follow anything that anyone says - and when I say this, I mean it for my posts. One thing that strikes me as curious is the fact that you're already in a relationship, yet your heart and mind (in your posts at least) is set on another. I think one option that might benefit you would be to analyse your own immediate situation and wonder why that is. Just from a purely logistic point of view, it is much easier to begin a new relationship than it is to 'jump ship'. Maybe I got the wrong impression, but your current partner has children too right? Forgive me, but it seems like a lot of upheaval for a lot of people. If you're not happy with your current situation - and that's not a sin, perhaps it's better to fix/solve/end that before pursuing something else? I'm no psychic or psychoanalyst, but could there be some kind of escapism going on? No judgment - just an honest question. It seems there is an extremely common pattern in these situations which is: to be concerned and even obsessed with one's own feelings. Just as onions will often amplify flavours when cooking (but don't put them in your chocolate cake, eh?) I think emotions can act in the same way with problems one is going through at a particular time. There's nothing wrong with having feelings. It's natural. But it's problematic if they cause you to behave in a way which is detrimental to your own welfare. That's all There are times when the fairly tale becomes reality. When things are literally so good that you have to pinch yourself. This is too good to be true. But there are also times where there is merit in accepting the reality of the situation is one that you do not want, and the best option is to move on. The situation may have no future. But please remember that YOU do. So, meant in the gentlest way possible, one option you do have is to 'deal with it'. Take control of your life, and by logical extension - your own happiness.
This is just so wrong! I really need to stop texting her and smiling at her and just thinking about her all the time. She is married. She has kids. We work together. This has to stop! What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I falling in love with this woman? My relationship is obviously not perfect but I'm not a cheater. I don't want to be a cheater. I don't want to break up someone's marriage. Most of all, I don't want to cause this distress in her mind. If I could go back and never find out that I am also attracted to women, I would have more peace in my life. I wouldn't need to be in a work closet because I'd be married to a man. She doesn't need to question all of this.
You said the two of you wouldn't feel comfortable flirting with each other if you were out to her, right? If you truly want to stop this then why don't you mention your partner in passing. Then she'd know you aren't single. And you wouldn't feel comfortable flirting anymore because it would be transparent as flirting if she knew for sure that you're not straight. It might be temporarily uncomfortable for you, but it could quite possibly save your current relationship, which I'm assuming you want to save.
Why not just do a "girls day out" for lunch with you and a few other friends? Maybe all she really wants is to have some girl friends to get away from the grind with her kids. Bring your partner along so she can get the news that you are off the market in a subtle non-threatening manner.
I'm not out at work and don't plan to be. I'd never bring my partner along with anyone from work. I'm sure she would love a nice female friend. I have invited her out with my work friends that are also her colleagues. I know this flirting needs to stop. I keep rationalizing that it is harmless and even if I wanted to try something, she never would. ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2013 at 05:51 PM ---------- I'm not out at work and simply don't plan to be. It's just too risky. All she would have to do is mention it to one person at work and it would spread. It's just not worth the risk. I do not work in a gay friendly town. I'm out just about everywhere except work and anyone that might overlap.
It sounds very stressful not being in an accepting work environment. I got lucky with my work environment, and work was the FIRST place I was out. Have you considered that perhaps your coworker is bisexual, and just like you isn't comfortable coming out at work? Not that it would make a big difference in the situation, but it is possible that she isn't actually questioning but rather just afraid of being outed or feeling guilty for flirting because she is in a relationship.
I don't even think she is bisexual. I think she is completed shocked and scared by this unexpected attraction towards me. If she were bisexual, that would change my feelings. I know this is awful to say but it is not my partner that is stopping me. What is stopping me is not wanting to take away her peace of mind. She is such a good, Sweet person. You can't help but try to be on your best behavior around her because she is just that kind of a woman that you would never tell dirty jokes in front of. I am very professional at work but no one alters their behavior for me unless its to let their hair down. We couldn't be more opposite if we tried. I know this is causing her both pleasure and distress. I can see it in her eyes. She is sometime so giddy and flirtatious and then other times, she is clearly holding back and being cool. When she is being cool, she seems terrified. It was during one of those terrified moments that I caught her checking out the cleavage. I don't think this is someone that doesn't want to cheat. This is someone that is utterly terrified of the thought of being with a woman. As for not being out at work, it's not stressful. It is just how I must live. If people wonder about me they never ask.
You know my situation. We were talking last night and she said she thought I didn't know that I wasn't straight. She knew she was attracted to me and initially thought I was responding to her - like by sending longer than normal emails- in ways that a straight woman wouldn't. But she thought I would realize later that I wasn't straight. Also, the woman I'm seeing was (until the last few days) in a relationship with another woman but never ever mentioned it / her at work. After she announced her feelings for me and started the process of ending her relationship, her partner demanded to know how I even knew she was gay. I just knew. I mention all of that to say that the woman you're attracted to may well know - just know- that you're gay. And she probably does know that she feels differently about you than other women. I stand by my advice, however, about not talking about it with her unless you're ready to deal with the consequences.
Oh I definitely think that she knows I'm gay. I consider myself bisexual and I have mentioned an X boyfriend that I have remained friends with not as a cover but because we speak often. I have never said we are together. So whether she thinks I'm bi or gay makes no difference. She absolutely knows that I am not straight and that I am interested in her. I'm not concerned about that. I know that she is attracted to me. Whether she is straight, curious or questioning also makes no difference. My only concern is that I am afraid that others may pick up on it. Not necessarily the attraction but they may pick up on the chemistry. Hope floats - Any updates yet?
