Confused - what next?

First and foremost consider that platonic love is just as valuable as romantic love. your wife has been with you for presumably years, and nothing about your nature should ever change the dynamic of a team that partners build when raising kids. The single most important step is to continue talking about it. No regrets, no shame, what's in the past is already done. What's next is a change in your life that is entirely in your hands. I think you should want your wife to understand your confusion now, and what you plan to do in the future. Regardless of who you want to sleep with it has no impact on what kind of father you are and what kind of life you want to provide for your children. If your wife's response is as pragmatic as you say, she's going to continue to be on your side. You're a team. You don't hate each other, and the best thing you can do is support her and give her what she needs and asks for. Be whatever kind of husband she needs you to be and keep talking. Keep her involved in your thought process and keep being open. In time, what comes as guilt and shame today should come as confidence, understanding, and honesty in the future.

 

There are others like you on the forum, extremely wise and kind individuals but I fail to remember their names - I'm still new here.

You'll definitely get help and support here.

I haven't lived without hurting people, sadly. But I honestly believe that the desire to make things better is incredible. To admit you made a mistake and want to try and sort out the situation takes so much colossal strength I cannot say.

Hats off to you, sir.

This is the only help I can offer you

 

Hello ukguy and welcome to EC!

I am among those here in the Later in Life section that has had to chuck a great deal of past mistakes, all in the space of half a year. You are right, a moment of truth will appear soon enough, and you will both have to face some important decisions.

I can't relate to such an understanding wife, this has NOT been my experience, and I haven't even officially come out to her (she strongly suspects but that's it for now).

As penguin machine mentioned above, communication will be key, but this time you're going to have to talk about the future, and you're going to have to assess to what extent this will change your relationship. Warning: it may not be for the better, but then what price are you willing to pay to live with integrity?

 

Well, there's a look into what your own future may hold for you. Better start looking for that "stable gay relationship" a little harder, just in case she is looking too.

 

I think first you need to decide what you really want most, then figure out how to make that happen. Do you want out of your marriage? Do you want a gay relationship? Or do you just want the security of having a warm body in the next room as you grow old?

btw... What is it with guys thinking that if they just stay married they're guaranteed to not die alone? I had this conversation with my STBX the night he asked me if I'm gay. Even if you stay happily married "until death do you part" (or in your case even if you leave your wife and find that next LTR w/a man) someone has got to go first, which then - sorry to tell you - means someone gets left to die alone. That's no reason to stay in the wrong relationship!
(Sorry, but to hear people say things like that makes me a little crazy.)

Once I decided I could no longer stay in my marriage, and he decided he could not live as roommates, WE agreed to sell the house, because like you, there is no way we could afford two residences while paying the mortgage we already carry on this. We're not happy about it, but it's a compromise that must be made for us both to be able to move on with our lives, and I know in the end, it will be worth it. Even if I do end up alone. At least I won't be living a lie.

So. What do you really want?

 

I would tend to think that much of your wife's pragmatism lies in the fact that she really has it pretty good. Mine has taken a pretty pragmatic approach to my coming out to her as well, but she has spent 20 years being dependent on my paychecks, presence and patience, so it's not exactly in her best interests to go too much on the attack. (Although she has her moments!) Her lack of marketable skills and her general level of comfort have made it way too easy for her to play the guilt card with me, because like you, I want things to be tidy and happy and friendly.

You may want to be pragmatic yourself, however. First, you're not going to magically get any less gay. If the current guy doesn't work out, there will be another and another, and sooner or later you WILL lose her trust. Second, I'm not in the thick of the dating world or anything, but I firmly believe there ARE good people out there, and I refuse to use a possible lonely future as an excuse to stick with the status quo. Last, as Dragonbait pointed out, you have a 50/50 chance of dying alone whether you're with a man or a woman, so why not go with what will make you the happiest? My feeling is, I have 2 wonderful kids, and as long as they exist, even if I meet my maker with no one around me at that moment, I won't be alone.

Yeah, big words from someone who is still sleeping in the same bed with the STBX (although the "Soon" part sometimes feels like geological time). I hate change as much as you do. But don't confuse patience with inaction. My eyes are on the prize and I know that eventually we will BOTH be happier getting out of our comfort zones and moving towards what will make us both much happier. Finding a clean way to do it won't be easy, but you are setting yourself up for more anger and frustration and dishonesty and unhappiness by thinking that you can do this indefinitely. It's going to be a very difficult thing to maintain.