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Internet dating - bit scared

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Electra, Oct 28, 2013.

  1. Electra

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    So fellow ECers - some advice needed.

    Have posted on EC before but just a quick resume first:
    I came out completely to everyone two years ago when i was 48 - after years of being mainly in the closet (out to a few close friends and family as a 'bisexual' since my 20's).

    I am gay not bisexual but have never had sexual intimacy with a man (my limited sexual experience has only been with women - two girlfriends in 20 years with long periods of celibacy in between).

    Since I came out properly - have only had positive feedback and support. Best thing i have ever done. Why did I wait so long? etc. etc.. Have been seeing a gay therapist to help me and have attended 'life coaching' workshops for gay men and joined a gay walking group and begun to make new gay friends. So its all amazing and I am doing all the right things, daring greatly, facing the fear, pushing the boundaries etc. etc.

    BUT have still not had an intimate relationship with a man...

    Still all sorts of 'old shit' when I go to face this last hurdle. Internalised homophobia. Often don't find other gay men attractive. Fear of physical initimacy. And on and on..
    Living in a rural area not easy to go out to meet gay men (no gay bars etc near by. Could go to a city - but far enough away for that to be an effort so its too easy to talk myself out of it).

    Have looked at gay dating sites on internet several times - often going as far to subscribe. But always let myself be put off by the sleazy 'hook up' aspects of it. Or again look at photos of guys on the sites and they look like middle aged slightly out of shape men and again don't find any attraction at all (ps I am middle aged slightly out of shape man!!). So usually chicken out and unsubscribe.

    Have just signed up to a new dating site to give it another try. Already several guys have emailed me. But I can't bring myself to reply. I am judging them and their motives before I even start - even if their profiles look perfectly fine and well matched...and even live relatively near by.

    My own advice to myself is just to send a few chatty email replies - nothing to lose. And let things happen a step at a time. Worst is you could meet a few of them and have nothing in common. Best is you could get some new friends ...or heaven forbid even lovers!

    So saying I am gay to the world has been a million times easier and more liberating than I could ever have dreamt... but BEING GAY thats a lot trickier..
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey, welcome back Electra!

    Yeah, no one said it's easy being gay! And we Later in Life folk have the additional challenge of finding someone suitable.

    But you must draw some comfort that there are other guys like you out there, no? It takes more than a few dollops of courage to venture forth, especially after so long out of practice.

    Take baby steps, and enjoy yourself a little...flirting should be fun! Focus on the other person rather than on how you think you are perceived. In that respect you are probably dead wrong, you may find yourself the object of someone else's attractions...are you comfortable enough with yourself to accept that?
     
  3. dahlia

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    Hi Electra..I so understand how you feel. I cannot even bring myself to do online dating although I would love to meet someone. I like your advice though.. just exchange some nice chatty emails and see which ones spark something in you. Then meet for a quick drink and see if there's any chemistry. Wishing you the very best of luck!
     
  4. cantaccept

    cantaccept Guest

    hi electra, i understand where you are at. i tried a few dating sites and felt the same way. just wasn't attracted to the "options" available on those sites. my best advice for internet dating is state upfront you're just in the market for friends and if that is indeed the case, you have to throw out the hope of finding someone you're attracted to that will be this "platonic" friend that eventually grows into something more. just meet people seem cool even if you're not attracted to them. it's good to start building a good network of friends. be careful of course and use your best judgement when meeting people.
     
  5. gshemesh

    gshemesh Guest

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    If you live or visit hollywood, there are tons of fun transexuals, homosecual men, and women out there that its so easy to have a good time. If you make it a habit at least one every other week to go out, the gay community really starts to include you in scene. Lots of parting, and lots and lots of male genitals, which are my favorite part about visiting west hollywood type areas.


    -gshemesh