Yikes

Hey Questioner12, welcome to EC!

It's a common reaction, no doubt about it. Since I came out to myself 7 months ago (already!) I am obsessed with all things gay. I am getting involved as much as time permits in the community, I have found my voice and that thing that was in the back of my mind, as it was for you, has finally awakened.

When comparing what it's like with a woman vs. with a man, it's like a firecracker vs. an atom bomb, it's that stark, isn't it?

So...now what?

Spend some time with us, and hopefully you'll be able to find out!

 

Hi Questioner12 and welcome to EC! I'm pretty new here myself. The people on here are amazingly supportive. I understand how lost you feel, I had a similar experience with a woman. A way you can look at it is that you have been so fortunate to experience something new and so wonderful after years of blah..how many people actually get to have that in their lives? Best of luck to you...the answers will come.

 

Welcome Questioner and congratulations on your encounter (I'm jealous). You're at the start of an exciting, scary and unpredictable journey and you've found a great place to get support from others who are in similar situations. Glad to have you aboard.

 

although i am happy you are exploring yourself, you are married to someone and i feel that if you are going to continue on with pursuing a relationship (gay or straight or bi or whatever) outside of your marriage, then you should communicate this with the person you are married to. it's only fair and from a health perspective, if you are engaging with other people in sexual acts and then also engaging with sexual acts with your wife, then she should know about this as it could put her at risk as well. i think you're coming to terms with yourself and that's great, but i don't think that stepping outside your marrige to do so is wise or fair to your partner.

 

Hi Questioner12

Welcome to EC. I stumbled across this site back in January this year and it has been a real help to me knowing I was not alone and there were lots of older married guys discovering they were gay later in life: You have definitely found the right place for help, advice, and friendship.

I have been married 25 years and like you no kids out of choice. After being on this site for just a few months I found the courage to finally accept I am gay and come out to my very understanding wife who has agreed for us to open up our marriage and allow me to have fun with guys, although this has not happened just yet.

In my blog on this site I have tried in some detail to explain openly and honestly my journey so far, please feel free to read it http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/


Warning: Empty Closets can become very addictive and a major part of your life very quickly, for me it has been a lifeline. Because of your thirst for knowledge your intense browsing will likely make you lose track of time, and others, including your wife, will very probably notice so be careful with your internet history and find out how to use “In Private” browsing. If you are using Microsoft browser press Control, Shift, and P to start a secure session.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Hi Questioner12

You will find many of the older married guys still love their wife and in a way coming to terms with being gay was the easy part; the difficult part is not wanting to hurt your wife and family by coming out and the very real fear of the unknown.

I reached the point where I could not go on any longer in the closet, the pain and daily stress was making me feel suicidal. I got to the point where I felt the pain and anguish that I thought would be caused by a divorce and the unknown seemed insignificant to the pain I was feeling in the closet and that for me was the trigger to coming out. I was so relieved to have uttered those 3 words to my wife no matter what the outcome.

So in your research on LGBT issues I think you should set some time aside to check out how guys have dealt with the coming out to wife & family and the ups and downs and unexpected turns because I think once you have tasted the forbidden fruit there will be no stopping you.

When I feel down I cheer myself up by looking at a series of photos taken at the engagement of a gay couple Colby and Brandon, by the international wedding & portrait photographer Gabriel Gastelum Colby & Brandon // An Engagement | Gabriel Gastelum | Photographer The photos show beyond any doubt what so ever just how natural love can be between 2 guys.



Also check out the Youtube songs by the following artists, all make me want to be 30 years younger.

Eli Lieb - Young Love Eli Lieb - Young Love (Official Music Video) - YouTube
Steve Grand - Stay STAY - YouTube
Steve Grand - All American Boy All-American Boy - YouTube
Cheyenne Jackson - Don't wanna know Cheyenne Jackson - DONT WANNA KNOW [Official Music Video] - YouTube
J Pee - I'M not Gay http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS9KPwfylmg






Sale Gay Guy

 

Another video to add to the list:
Same Love - Macklemore
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0
Warning... might make you cry

 

Spaceman: How did I manage to forget that one, it's even been on mainstresm TV for the last few weeks in the UK in one of the music video charts. It does bring a tear to the eye.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Now you understand...And now the hard work begins on recalculating your life's trajectory, I wish you the best of luck!

 

So, a little over a month ago, you had no idea you are gay, and now you are in love with a man and ready to end your successful, 22-year-long marriage?

Were there more signs along the way, or did it just happen this suddenly? How long ago did you fall out of love with your wife (if that's the case)?

 

Hi Questioner 12

It is good to hear that you have resolved the unanswered question in your mind in such a definite manner. I would like to point you at a website marriedgay.org Journey of Life - Married Gay from which I include this information that you may find helpful in understanding where you are now.


I also suggest that you get hold of the book by Joe Kort called 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love. Several chapters in the book are relavent to married guys. It's available on Kindle.

Sale Gay Guy

Journey of Life

One thing that many married gay men notice through their life is that they have lived through various stages, changing with them.

The following scenario describes stages that are purely arbitrary. There will be many variations on the theme, but just how many reading this can associate with these?

Stage 1 – Discovery of their sexuality – often around their early teens – dreaming of boys, not girls – definitely gay but not wanting to be.

Stage 2 – Abstention from any sex during their 20s – too frightened to do anything with men or women (don’t really fancy women) – this period can vary considerably from or two years to a lot of years.

Stage 3 – Meeting their wife in their 30s (the person they love as a friend and as the mother of their children) and 10 – 20 years of being totally faithful to her, although of course they have the odd gay thought along the way, more often than they care to admit.

Stage 4 -Regression to active homosexuality in their 40s and 50s (sometimes earlier, sometimes later), as a result of various triggers and likely to continue as a practicing homosexual through to the end of their lives, since they consider themselves to be totally gay, and have come to terms with it.

Stage 4 can be split down further into phases, although through out this stage, most men in this situation seem to continue to love their wives and their family, and do not wish to break the marriage up:

Phase 4.1 – Continuing in marriage and discovering men, and meeting a lot of them over a very short period, perhaps 100 men in 18 months – not very proud of it. This is a bit like opening “Pandora’s Box” but not being able to close it again – having a taste for meeting men and enjoying it. This is a form of madness which seems to affect even otherwise seemingly honorable, kind and loving men.

Phase 4.2 – Coming out to their wife and all that entails, as a result of the need not to put her at risk of STDs etc. Also there is a fear that she might have realized that things have changed. Wanting to shout from the rooftops that they are GAY!!! But discouraged from doing it by their wife. Many men experience a weight coming off their shoulders when the tell their wife the truth about themselves.

Phase 4.3 – Continuing in marriage and meeting and loving their first boyfriend, discovering love as it has never been experienced before.

Phase 4.4 – Continuing in marriage but breaking up with their first boyfriend, and reverting to lots of men though not quite as many as before.

Phase 4.5 – Continuing in marriage and meeting and loving another boyfriend – perhaps less of a threat on their marriage this time as the love is not quite so strong. Somehow continued with their wife’s knowledge – but not feeling comfortable with living the two lives, although giving some stability.

Phase 4.6 -Continuing in marriage but breaking up with boyfriend and grieving over him – not meeting any other men during that period of grievance, other than perhaps meeting the ex-boyfriend as a friend – experiencing constant swings from wanting to stay a married man, to wanting to live with a man for the rest of their life.

Phase 4.7 – Realizing that it is not fair on themselves or their wife to continue the marriage. The fear one day that they will feel trapped and resent being married. Agreeing to separate and to continue as best friends.

Phase 4.8 – Separating – but where do they go from here? Find the man of their dreams? Who knows?

Whatever the outcome, there will be other thoughts, relief, regret, a sense of guilt and so on.

Does it ever end satisfactorily? Probably not.​

 

WOW, SaleGayGuy, that "Journey of Life" is rather uncanny. Thanks for posting it! I keep being amazed by things I read on EC, as I realize how completely typical my experience has been in so many ways. To think that I spent years (well, decades) feeling isolated and alone because I couldn't imagine that anyone else was going through this.

And Questioner12, do let us know how things go. We'll certainly all be here for you as you figure out what happens next.

 

Hi Choirboy

I found the MarriedGay.Org website to be a very helpful resource, and I also had a feeling I had read something similar, but not as comprehensive, on PFLAG but could not find the article when I looked recently.

Although I only realised late in life that I am gay, when I look back on my life I can clearly recall very specific moments in my teens and early twenties when guys, who later turned out to be gay, hinted at experimentation and I very firmly changed the subject. I know realise that it was my internalised homophobia that was preventing me from seeing the truth.

I skipped 4.1 (or more accurately viewed way too much gay porn) and am in Phase 4.2 at the moment and the “Shouting from the rooftops” feeling really resonates with me. Just before coming out to my wife I wanted to grab the microphone on the customer support desk at our local supermarket and shout out to the whole store that I’m Gay.

If I'm honest I feel the need for 4.1, I have a lot of discovery and catching up to do!

Not yet plucked up enough courage to go out meeting guys but getting closer to joining a married guys social group.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Welcome.

Let me say, that once I jumped... having sex with men was/is, from the start, natural, exhilarating, fulfilling, amazing.

That said, for me its not just physical (well, it is sometimes....), sex is part of a relationship with a man you like, enjoy, trust.

About your wife. I was in a relationship with a woman at the beginning of this year during the time I was figuring this out. While I was active in support groups and some socializing, for me, I couldn't live in 2 worlds. I suppose this prolonged the anguish of figuring out me, breaking up, and coming out.

Each of us is on our own journey in life. Now that you've felt in your gut and soul (maybe your heart, too?) the man you were meant to be, consider finding support in claiming your life and living out. Perhaps a therapist/counselor, coming out groups, mens groups, a close posse of friends.

All the best / Pete

 

Same here, I have put 4.1 on hold and am in the middle of 4.2 with the hopes of backtracking. But I am at the point where saying "I'm gay" gets easier and easier, and more and more intoxicating. I cantor at church and sometimes when I step up to the mike to announce and lead the next song, I find myself wanting to say "....and guys, don't I look hot in this lavender shirt and tie? Stop on by after mass and say hi!" Very totally done with keeping it a secret!

 

You're right, of course. There is no easy way out. Communication, compassion, understanding and kindness, oh yes, kindness to each other above all else, will get you and your wife through this.

Don't hesitate to lean on us as the need arises!