Hi Everyone, I'm new on here, currently taking some therapy classes to help with coming out and agreed with my therapist it would be a good idea to meet others in a similar situation. My story is that I'm 32 yrs old, known I was attracted to girls since I was about 10 but went to a very strict, English private school that despised anything or anyone that went against the grain. I grew up believing I was wrong and needed to sort myself out. I didn't tell my parents, they didn't question me on my sexuality ( despite the copious amount of posters I'd stuck on my wall of girls I liked! ) I later discovered their ethos was 'she'll tell us when she's ready' which I eventually did in my early twenties but the damage by that point had been done. I felt like a big mistake and a disappointment. I struggled through Uni, lying to most of my friends through shame at where I was going and who with... and then started seeing a couple of girls, one in the second year of Uni for about a year and the other right at the end of Uni for 2 yrs. When I got home, my parents announced they were divorcing. I turned to gambling as an outlet and developed a severe problem for the next three years. When things improved, I realised I still had this noose round my neck, the of coming out to others and accepting who I was, I told some close friends and gradually a few more and my family new and were fine with it, but I never really felt I had accepted or come to terms with it. Today I feel like I'm living a huge lie. I lie at work,I lie to my Toastmaster club, I lie to friends and acquaintances. I feel I'm always looking over my shoulder and trying to cover my tracks. I know being gay isn't wrong but I'm so ashamed and would love to change but don't know how. Any advice gratefully received....
Hi Bryony, welcome to EC. I'm still struggling with accepting myself - there's what I know and what I wish I didn't know, if that makes any sense. So I can't really offer any advice, but I do have a question for you. Based upon what you wrote in your post, it sounds to me like you're pretty exclusively attracted to women - you don't mention men at all. But your "orientation" is listed as bisexual. Are you still lying to yourself?
Hi Dragonbait, Thanks for your response. Well I've thought long and hard about this and probably bi sexuality is the closest with how I identify... Probably something like a 75% / 25% split in favour of women. Bryony
One of the best ways to start getting over the hiding/lying feeling is simply to start interacting more with people who are gay/bi and who are out. So coming here was probably a very good step. Lex
Hi Bryony, I can very much understand your feelings and situation. They are very similar to mine. I'm 30 years old, and outside of my therapist no one knows about my attraction to women. I feel like I'm living a giant lie aswell, and it is very hard to act like person that you know your not. I even try to lie to myself at times, as sad at that is. But I know who I am and who I love etc.. I did not turn to gambling, but I do have a spending problem along with an Eating Disorder. I know how hard it is with a battle going on inside your own mind everyday. I can "split" as well in terms of men and women. So I often struggle with deciding what I am. Bisexual or Lesbian. But I'm not really a fan of labels anyway. I am in a relationship with a man, and have a son. BUT I am not attracted to men at all. I am more attracted to the "person" they are. Where as I am physically attracted to females. I hope that makes sense ...lol I even confuse myself at times. Regardless no one has a clue about my sexuality and I hate keeping secrets but my family is not open to that sort of thing. I grew up knowing that all too well. If you ever want to talk you can always PM me. Good Luck and hugs to you. And I agree with Lexington, coming here was a first good step. They folks on here are really supportive and it soo helps to talk with others who struggle or have been through the same hurdles.
