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Two weeks since coming out to my wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Spaceman, Oct 29, 2013.

  1. Spaceman

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    I knew before I came out to my wife, that it would be a devastating blow. I knew I could lose her as a friend and that she would likely despise me. I thought I was prepared for it, but the reality it tougher than I imagined. On the day I came out to her, she showed me some unexpected compassion, but since then she's been as cold as ice. She kicked me out of the house, won't talk to me about anything but logistics, refuses to go to joint counseling (even though I offered to go to her therapist) and gives me orders via text message and email.

    She doesn't want me coming out to anyone else or confiding in friends. She doesn't want the kids to know or to find out through the grapevine. Despite the fact that I continue to contribute to the mortgage and bills just as before, she told me she's seeking legal counsel to "protect myself and MY kids". I couldn't stop myself from correcting her that they're "OUR kids".

    For the moment, since it's so new and I'm overwhelmed with guilt, I'm letting her call the shots. So I'm unable to be more fully out and start building gay friendships (we're in a small town where secrets aren't easily kept).

    I guess I was naive, but I honestly thought she'd agree to a transition period where I stayed in the house, sleeping on the couch. But she won't even consider it. Her mindset is that there is nothing left in our relationship worth salvaging. It's incredibly painful after spending more than 20 years with someone. I really loved her and still do, which is part of the reason I had to free her from being stuck in the closet with me.

    She is committed to me staying in the kids' lives because she knows it's important to them. I tuck them into bed a few nights a week, they've spent the night once at my apartment and I'll be trick or treating with them on Halloween. But I'm not there when they wake up in the morning, not there to help them with their homework or experience all the unscripted moments that happen when you're home.

    At this stage when I'm seeing all the loss on none of the gain of coming out, it's hard not to regret it. I remind myself I was miserable in the closet and it wasn't going to change. I take comfort in the stories here on EC about the new sense of freedom, the sexual reawakening and the liberation of the spirit that coming out can bring…and hope my time is not far off.
     
  2. Varro

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    Congrates for being honest and coming out to yourself and wife. Its a slow process with no instructional handbook on the transitional journey. Your wife is very angry, bitter and resentfull, I have recently walk the path your on.

    My wife, however, is understanding and we are still married. She was and still is to some degree angry and insecure, her selfesteem has in her mind taken a huge blow as she felt she was unfullfilling and lacking in our relationship.

    Fortunatly our children are adults and i have chosen to remain closeted to them, you need to take some control, but maintain a mature and rational approach when dealing with her and all of the emotion.

    She will feel embarrased and will avoid exposing your sexuality, time may change her outlook, in the meantime try and be strong and certainly see a therapist who is knowledgable in sexual orientaions and coming out.

    Hugs and best wishes...
     
  3. greatwhale

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    This is the toughest time, Spaceman, I've been there and I feel for you.

    She's still hurting, it's going to take a while, the only thing that she recognizes at this point is the importance of the kids having a father, so work on that with her, as rationally as possible. Read my blog called "Katabasis", about angry wives and losing naiveté...

    Protect yourself as well, there's guilt and then there's complicity. In many cases the wife knew...something...and decided to ignore it. Remember that you are trying to free both yourself and her from an unacceptable situation and that you still love her, as far as that love can go, which is something I lost about a decade into my own 20-year marriage.

    Keep faith, these are the hardest days. Right now, it's the vertigo of freedom and it's disorienting. Keep us posted, we've been where you are, it does get better.
     
  4. tommyj

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    I agree with the others, this is a difficult time for you. Maybe something that I might go through int he future (although I'm not there yet). Stay strong. Even through she is still hurting and needs time to cope with this loss, I wouldn't let her control everything about the logistics. I would try to keep the log of all the times that you've tried to help sort things out. It might be helpful in the future if legal action happens. I understand that it's lonley that you can't even come out to get support from your friends. I'm sorry. Continue to express you thoughts and feelings here. You always have support here!
     
  5. ClosetedFather

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    I do hope your wife comes around. It is certainly sad. I have a very understanding and supportive Girlfriend but it is still really hard on her. She has been very emotional and short with me since I came out.

    Have you considered talking to a lawyer aswell. I hate to say it but sounds like you are going to need one at some point here. Protecting yourself and your kids is not a bad thing either. Doing it sooner might help you avoid some pitfalls.
     
  6. bassmaster

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    This is definitely a difficult time SM and I feel for your situation. First of all you have done the right thing by being honest with your wife. I told my wife about 2 weeks ago myself. That was the 2nd time I had told her actually, after retreating the first time several years ago. We continue to muddle thru the muck. But I will say mine is becoming somewhat understanding. I feel like I'm becoming a pro at all this. I love EC in the fact that you can find non-judgmental support but you can also find a different opinion for every post as every situation is different even tho the root of the problem seems to be all the same (being gay/bi and coming out) So....here are my thoughts. Take them with a grain of salt as they are only my opinions.
    Her anger stage seems to be lasting a bit longer then mine's did. Possibly more time will fix this problem and maybe it won't. From my experience her not wanting you to tell people is out of embarrassment to her and or she knows if you tell people, that signals that this nightmare she is in has become a reality. I would really push for the "talk" She most likely has questions and needs answers but is not ready to face them. Possibly try a letter first and really tell her what is on your heart and what you expect for the future. I totally get where you are coming from with not wanting to rub salt in the wound and letting her run the show but at some point you will need to say enough is enough. As your spouse she also needs to extend some honesty and openness with you. You are fully deserving of this!!! You can guilt yourself out of everything you ever owned and stood for if your not careful.
    I wish you the best of luck. And yes, remember that you were unhappy before all this started.
     
  7. Yossarian

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    Spaceman, I have to wonder why you are letting her boss you around and "throw you out of the house". You have apparently been honest with her, and OK, she is due some "flip out" time until she wraps her head around the fact that you aren't what she thought you were, but it is not a justification for her thinking that she can do anything she wants and you have to go along with it because you are "guilty" of some heinous crime of being gay and honest about it. She certainly has no right to tell you to "stay in the closet", particularly if she is demanding that you leave the house which you probably have joint title to, which would naturally create some questions from other people about why you are now living separately. It sounds like you are headed towards some kind of adversarial future relationship with her, since you are already being treated like crap by her, so it may be a good time to set down some ground rules of your own, such as the limits of her telling you what you can do in your separate own life. IF she lawyers up, then you need to check around and find out what lawyer is better than hers, because if you don't find one, you could end up paying for both of them. Most of all, keep thinking positively, because this, like all bad things, will eventually end and you will find Mr Right.
     
  8. SilentCreatures

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    I'm not in your situation, nor have I been. So my words may not be valid.

    I just feel that you mustn't forget yourself. It appears easy to try to be extremely flexible because you have hurt your wife. To let her call the shots as an act of saying sorry.

    It's ok to be or to feel sorry - just don't give yourself away in the process.

    There are many men in a similar position to yourself. I hope their words help you greatly - I wish you all the very best, and that you may soon feel your version of liberation soon.

    Hugs
     
  9. Spaceman

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    Thanks everyone. Today was better than yesterday. I'm feeling a growing sense of confidence, knowing I've already done the hardest part by admitting the truth to myself and my wife.

    I know I have legal rights I am choosing not to exercise for now because of the guilt I'm feeling about misrepresenting myself so completely and for so long. And I truly want to maintain a friendship with my wife and shield the kids from a bitter nasty fight.

    I still have hope my wife will come around. She softened a bit tonight by not objecting when I stayed at the house reading with my daughter an hour longer than she wanted. A small step, but her wounds are still fresh and deep.
     
  10. iadsfo

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    Spaceman,

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know I was very fortunate to have a spouse with a reaction that was the exact opposite of yours. It was painful for me to read your post.

    That all said, you know you have done the two toughest things - having the courage and honesty to finally recognize and come out to yourself and then to your wife. You did the right thing and these are crucial important first steps towards a more content life.

    I must correct you in one area - you did NOT misrepresent yourself. You presented the person that you knew you to be at the time. You did not consciously know you were gay - you lied about it so often and so well you even believed the lies to be true yourself until just recently. So do not feel guilty about that - you did nothing wrong and lied to no one. Do not let anyone, including yourself, try and convince you otherwise.

    Unfortunately many men experience a reaction from their spouse similar to yours. So there is a wealth of people in this forum that can help you through this most difficult and dark time. Let them help you.
     
  11. Freddy

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    I too, recently came out to my wife. It's been four months now. She sensed in me that "distance". Not really being there. She demanded the truth. I broke. After over forty years of lying to myself, pretending, and refusing to accept who I was, I came out. We are best friends, alas we are divorcing. Our kids are grown and both from previous marriages.

    My advice to you is not to let her keep you from your kids. They need you to be there, tuck them in, help with homework, etc..Demand it! Get a lawyer! Yes, you hurt your wife, but sometimes in life the truth hurts.