Honesty begets fear...

What if you don't wake up in the morning? What if u trip down the stairs and break your neck? Or what if ur in a car accident this week? I'm not trying to be a smartass in any way. I was using those to emphasize a point. The fears your having are valid and I myself have had the same fears. And simply put that's all they are, as they are not yet reality. Fear can be a poison that our own minds create. It is all around us at any given moment If we let it consume us. You already have courage they the other F word. Faith. Faith in where you've been, where u are, and where your going. One thing at a time.

Wishing u all the best!!

---------- Post added 31st Oct 2013 at 06:18 PM ----------

Try* not they

 

You know, there's nothing wrong with fear if it heightens your senses to possible dangers and keeps you ready. It's when it debilitates and overwhelms that it becomes a poison.

Fighting fear directly is like kicking a mountain, it ain't gonna budge...but letting yourself feel it, and exploring it almost intellectually seems to help. I just had an MRI and it was extremely confining inside that tube for 20 minutes, I was on the verge of claustrophobic panic...but I breathed, I felt the fear and discomfort and let it wash over me, I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing...

Reality will intrude upon your nightmares and probably surprise you. The faith that Bassmaster talked about is really important, it primes you to see things you otherwise might not. It's not "seeing is believing", rather it's "I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't believed it".

Believe that things will be better and you will see better things; crazy huh?

 

ormanout, this is the peculiar burden for those of us in relationships isn't it? A whole life, a whole image and set of dreams that we ourselves are iconoclastically ripping to shreds for the sake of some sense that in so doing we will destroy the false persona that we have built up over so many years. There is a kind of nobleness in this quest that lives besides a sometimes overwhelming sense of selfishness. Am I really going to smash all that I have, even though I am hollow in living it, for some abstract potential? Well, some of us will and some of us won't. Some of us don't have a choice in its destruction and are only trying to maintain some control and influence over flow and force as our previous lives become little more than flotsam and jetsam. What ever it is we do, there is fear. Uncertainty. The potential for being alone (scares the shit out of me). Then there is faith as bassmaster said, and GW echoed. There is action, purpose and a decision to build that new life. Fight or flight. I wish you the best in your current struggles. I believe all of us here can lend our strength to one another. That our narratives help the writing of other narratives. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable place that you are in. Know that we will stand by you as you face the unknown, to listen, to share and to help you find a grounding point so that you don't get lost in the dark.

 

(Palimpsest, pls forgive me for slicing and dicing your post, I needed to pull the relevant bits. )

Ormanout. I've had this argument with myself, then once I resolved it within myself, I've had it with STBX and also a number of friends here on EC. The fear will only exist until you take willful control. When you resolve within yourself that to consciously choose that living in unhappiness, living a false life, is unacceptable to you. It doesn't have to do with what MAY be, it's what you are not willing to have in actuality any more.

Once you have made that decision, the rest comes surprisingly easy. But the key is in taking control. The reality in life is that any day at any time, we could become that flotsam and jetsam of which Palimpsest spoke. Your wife could leave you, die, suffer any number of calamities. As could you. You could be bankrupt, you could lose all you own to fire. ANY disaster could strike. What would you do then? You would take control and build a new life from the ashes.

Imagine yourself a phoenix. Realize that you need to take flame to all those what-if's, because there are no more guarantees in that potential future you had long envisioned than there are in the new one you would like to embrace. Do what YOU need to do, then take control and make of it what you will.

Will it be the same? Hell no, but you didn't want that anyway. May there be some things that you'll have to sacrifice in the process? Absolutely, but if you take control, and not allow yourself to be tossed in the tide, you will make of it the best possible future you can.

Have courage and have faith... in yourself!!!

 

DB, you may redact my writing anytime.

And I will echo you, we must have faith in ourselves. That we are worth it. This is not to say the STBX's are not, or our children or even if we don't have STBX but simply spouse. They deserve the best out of us too, and for us here on EC, that is coming to terms with being honest in as wide a circle as we can manage.

 

hey there "ormanout"...
Where does the honesty begin & the facade end? Hmmm, not all truths ( or being honest ) is necessary.
You want to 'flame', then do it in a safe place. ( won't hurt Mum that way )
What do you think you will gain by stepping onto the stage ( after all these years of silence)?? Think the breath of acceptance will fill your nostrils with joy ? Guess again.
The world is a very selfish place, with selfish folks out to grind their own axes of uniformity, validation etc. ( for the most part, that is)
Not all is well with the world, wherein immaturity, ignorance runs rampant.
Running about telling folks you are gay will yield little, save maybe a sudden & transient release. ( discreetly, yes...) Too many years & too many lives are intertwined with yours, be very careful how you affect those close-in. Be gentle.
I want to go out tonight, being that it is halloween, in my dress.. but that would be inviting some redneck rage.
You express a need to learn what 'gay' is all about, with a partner, or if you will even find such a relationship. I would encourage you to work on that issue way in advance of any
family shockers.
Who knows, what you are feeling is maybe just those normal feelings that a lot of folks have come to touch on, after they have aged in years and are no longer hanging onto some crude self-image of themselves. Am I gay, am I straight, am I what? Why I must be gay, because I cannot explain it any other way. Am I bi.... the questioning can be endless...and endlessly frustrating.
You guessed the right clue when you said you might benefit from a more one on one therapist... if you can afford the time & cash, this would be a life saver investment.
You need to know...really know, that you are more normal than you imagine & a decent therapist can deliver this plus other critical insights.
Therapy is also great for staving off anger. Anger at yourself for having waited so long, or 'wasted' so long.
Sounds healthy that you ARE here, asking...looking & questioning

 

I often ponder reading these wonderful, vulnerable, heart felt posts (thank you ormanout for starting this one) how painfully humble and self-deprecating we can easily become as gay men struggling with the rightness of our decisions to 'come out'. How honest and thoughtful and selfless we naturally are - as we grapple with how our decisions may impac t on those we love and their worlds we seem to be throwing up in the air with our own? We worry about how selfish we are being in our desire to at last be our true authentic selves after years of hiding in the straight world and surrounding ourselves with clever armour in our thoughts and behaviours.
Then sometimes I remember that it is not us who decided that we would live a world that could not accept that a healthy percentage of the population is not conventionally straight. It is not us who bombarded us with negative images and stereotypes of a fundamental part of who we knew we were inside. It is not us who perpetuated the myth that loving someone of the sex was sinful and shameful. We have a right not to feel bad on society's behalf because of all this stuff. We are not being selfish!

So despite these rousing words (which it felt good to write!) I am also daily battling with the fear (and shame and doubt etc..) about how much being authentic leaves me exposed to the world in all my amazing brilliance! Is it that at last stepping out of the shadows is just 'too much"? Would it be so much easier and safer to just become invisible again? Yes I think it would easier and safer. BUT the more (like GW says) I just let the fear happen, watch it, smile at it and move on the better and better it gets.

The temptation to run is so habitual. The temptation to fight against myself is likewise sometimes overwhelming. But this is not real fight or flight. I am not being chased by a real lion! So I stop and turn to face my foe and there is nothing out there. Its only inside and I can chose to make the ghost lion disappear.
Continue to enjoy the journey Ormanout and all of us....

 

There's a poem that applies here to this thread so perfectly:

Bare Tree

Already I have shed the leaves of youth,
stripped by the wind of time down to the truth
of winter branches. Linear and alone
I stand, a lens for lives beyond my own,
a frame through which another’s fire may glow,
a harp on which another’s passion, blow.

The pattern of my boughs, an open chart
spread on the sky, to others may impart
its leafless mysteries that I once prized,
before bare roots and branches equalized,
tendrils that tap the rain or twigs the sun
are all the same, shadow and substance one.
Now that my vulnerable leaves are cast aside,
there’s nothing left to shield, nothing to hide.

Blow through me, Life, pared down at last to bone,
so fragile and so fearless have I grown!

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

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