I can't believe I have actually done it! All those years of screaming the words inside my head! Why is honesty so difficult, they are only words after all. It's the dishonesty that hurts the most. I finally told my husband that the problem with our marriage was not him. He always believed he was doing something wrong and I couldn't cope with seeing him beat himself up about it anymore. I told him that he could be Brad Pitt as far as I was concerned, it didn't change the fact that I am attracted to women sexually and not men. At first he did not believe me, when I said 'why the hell would I make this up?' The penny started to drop. He was very accepting, perhaps too much. I am not sure what will come next. I feel free of a huge secret kept for so long. It has taken a lot to get to this stage alone. I feel stupid being so afraid of words, I should have spoken a long time ago. I just hope he will now be able to accept the situation and we can talk properly about the things that matter. I feel in complete limbo, but that is marginally better than being in the dark!
Congratulations Quest2! So scary, but so necessary, and now it's done! I wish you courage, strength and periods of unbridled joy on this new path you are on!
Congradulations on coming out to him. I may someday be in the same situation as you are, except I'm not married yet. I had a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind helping me out with something. How long have you been married? Why did you get married if you knew you weren't straight, or did you know at the time? Is their children involved? And when you said "and we can talk properly about the things that matter", which things are that? I'm in a situation where all my life I've been 100% lesbian, and now am in a relationship with a man. I still desire women in general, but haven't acted on it since being with him, for fear of him thinking I'm cheating on him, being faithful. He knows all about me and is okay with it, except I haven't asked if I can or should have lesbian sex, and he hasn't said how he feels about that in our relationship He is the only man I've ever had sexual desire for, and if Brad Pitt came to my door today I'd say no thanks. The concern is that this is all new, late in life, and may be temporary. He hasn't exactly proposed directly, but we've talked about marriage. I've known this guy for years, and never had any desire for him until the last six months. I love him very much, but don't want to get into a relationship where I find out later on that I've lost my desire for him, and am living a lie. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Do you have any idea what you want from your husband? To split up or stay together? For you and him to seek pleasure in other ways, or with other people?
Thank you Bidad3, it was a big step and yes, so scary! Hi Sldalm, where do I start? We have been married for 17 years, no children through choice. I have always known about my orientation but have lived in fear of being marginalised and stereotyped. I have seen others where I live being taunted and ridiculed for being gay, that terrified me as a teenager. My family are very religious and not tolerant of other lifestyles. I rather stupidly placed more concern about their thoughts about me than my own happiness. My husband and I were friends long before we got married, we were close and I love him very much, always have done and always will. He had no idea about my feelings for women, I never wanted to hurt him and I thought I could suppress my desires. I was able to do this up to a point, our physical relationship has never been right. He blamed himself and I just tried harder to cover things up! Looking back this was so unsatisfactory for both of us. The important things I referred to are, what do we do now? How can we go forward? What do we both really want for the future? Can we visualise a life apart after so much shared history? I know I would like to experience the love of a woman, that desire has never left me and is probably stronger now. I am scared about finding someone, but that is something we all face. Being in my forties means time shouldn't be wasted. I really don't know how this will work out. A lot of discussion hopefully will help. In your situation, why not stay in your relationship longer before making a marriage commitment? Find out if this is the real thing, but that will take time! I got married to hide, please don't make the same mistake!
Congratulations Quest2! What you did took incredible courage! I hope someday I can find it within myself to do the same. I am already in the process of getting a divorce, and he has even asked me straight out if I am gay, but I couldn't bring myself to answer him honestly. He knows I have no desire for men, has known that for over a year, although it's been true since before we married - 21 years ago. Maybe someday when we both find peace, it's such a tumultuous process already, and we've had so very many other problems that I hardly needed another excuse. At this point I just dread the thought of any more strife. But I truly envy you your courage and wish you the best in navigating your way forward. Welcome to EC, I'll be looking for more posts to follow your progress!
Thank you Dragonbait, it feels good to have finally said what needed to be said. It is incredible how difficult it is to actually speak to the person you love and deliver that news. The amount of times I opened my mouth to speak and ended up saying nothing, I seriously thought I would never do it! Maybe by getting a divorce first you are creating the space needed to be able to find your voice? I think going through a divorce takes so much more courage, I hope it works out for you too. I will have to face that option, however, one step at a time!
Congratulations Quest2 and welcome to the club! I came out to my wife 3 weeks ago and it's been a crazy ride...so be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster. Those words are scary for a reason given the impact the wield. Be grateful you have a supportive spouse. Mine remains deeply angry to the point she can barely look at me or speak to me. I'm being as supportive as possible to her because I feel responsible for her pain, but I do hope the anger will subside with time. Best of luck to you and keep posting!
PARTIAL QUOTE: I have always known about my orientation but have lived in fear of being marginalised and stereotyped. I have seen others where I live being taunted and ridiculed for being gay, that terrified me as a teenager. My family are very religious and not tolerant of other lifestyles. I rather stupidly placed more concern about their thoughts about me than my own happiness. That was exactly my situation growing up. In fact, the only reason I finally developed the courage to come out to my parents was due to my mother forcing my hand, actively trying to get me to get married to some man (as long as he was a "good provider" and start having grandchildren, neither of which I wanted. Something snapped in me I guess, and I stopped living a lie merely to please my family. Although it didn't go as well for me as it did for you, I'm glad I finally was honest with them, and think you did the right thing too. As far as what you said about marriage, I agree completely. We both need time to see what happens. My guy said the same thing. Thanks for confirming what my heart already knew. The whole issue about marriage anyway is due to us being 2 hours away from each other, particulary now that winters approaching. (might not get together at all in a snowstorm.) I think we've found a solution that will work out however, and later on if we both feel ready for it, marriage might be in the future. If not then we can do something else, whether that's not being in a romantic relationship, or something else. At least he knows who I am completely, and I know him. As long as we're honest with other, I think it'll be okay.
Congrats Quest2! I know the feeling and with the help of this site, I hope to one day be as free as you are at this moment. Lots of love! J
Congratulations on coming out to your husband. It took a lot of courage to open up and to let your husband know. It isn't easy to confront our own fears and begin to wander into the unknown. I think the next steps will fall into place by themselves but with your husband being so understanding, it will make it all easier.
Congratulations! It took me a very long time..I've learned the hard way that you can't marry yourself straight.
This forum is truly amazing, thank you all for your replies. After the elation and relief of speaking out comes the stark reality that actually nothing has changed. He insists that we can be together without a physical relationship. He says that the physical side is only a tiny part of a true partnership. To a point I suppose that is true but I don't think that is enough. I have already fallen for someone at work (unrequited) and this confirms that my feelings are too strong to settle for a platonic relationship. My feelings for this woman are consuming my every thought, I don't even mind that she does not reciprocate, it makes me feel alive! Maybe if someone comes in to my life for real, then this will force the issue with my husband. My head hurts!!
