Am I a lesbian? And what should I do about my marriage?

I don't have any advice. I couldn't read without giving you support. (&&&)

 

These are only my options, so take them with a grain of salt. It's never ok to hit anybody in my option. It seems like your marriage is not full of love and support to begin with, without the bi/lesbian issue. It seems like you are not only physically attracted to this women so it sounds like you might be one or the other.

Did you ever think about getting a divorce before you met this person?

 

Hi hcorning,

The first thing to keep in mind about relationships is your time commitment says nothing about whether or not it is worth staying together. Whatever you have invested so far has nothing to do with whether it's worth continuing to invest in the relationship. The time investment will only keep growing, but that doesn't mean your happiness or the health of your relationship will improve with it. Keep in mind the fundamental truth that you're still young, and you deserve to be happy.

Personally, if a person chooses to remain in a marriage that ultimately makes them feel miserable (or worse, unsafe), then that person is missing the point of marriage. Marriage ought to be fulfilling-- a partnership based on mutual love and respect. Ask yourself how it is your own marriage compares with this.

As to your own sexuality, don't be your own worst enemy. Back off, and let your head come to its own conclusions about your sexual orientation. Putting so much pressure on yourself to come to a conclusion and "decide on a label" is counterproductive, and will likely only lead you to the wrong conclusion.

These things take time.

Sexuality isn't static, and can't be classified as being only one label or another. Try to see it as a spectrum. It ranges from straight to gay, and doesn't just include bisexuality. You could very well be mostly straight with homosexual tendencies (what I like to call "heteroflexible"), or you could be mostly gay with heterosexual tendencies ("homoflexible").

Figuring out where you generally stand along that spectrum is hard enough, but you need to be able to consider it objectively. Being consumed by a recent bad experience with one sex is bound to distort not only your value-judgments (ex. which relationships with men and women you rate as being the most fulfilling), but also, distort your memory recall (ex. the instances where you can remember being attracted to women versus men).

Take a deep breath, give yourself time to figure out your own sexuality, and keep in mind that no matter how much time you've invested in your marriage, your safety and mental well-being should always come first.

Hope that helps, and best of luck.

 

I will echo mindcandy (Welcome to EC by the way!) and say that the past is the past. In business we call this "sunk cost", not to be crass about it, but this whole "past investment" routine is the cause of many bad decisions (even in business).

A marriage is not an investment with expected future returns for present sacrifice. It has to work from the get-go. If it isn't working and unsatisfactory (or even dangerous) then cut your losses, because most assuredly these losses (including your youth) will continue.

 

As far as your marriage...It seems to me that your husband has been treating you with so much disrespect. I can understand you both having a heated argument. That's relationship stuff and a relationship takes work...even and especially a healthy one. However, when someone like your husband crosses the line and hits you...there are NO EXCUSES. There is nothing you said, nothing you've done to deserve having another human being hit you...especially someone that proclaims his love for you. Why does he want to to continue the marriage??? Is it because of a vow or the fact that he's comfortable and the thought of starting all over scares him. But this is not about him. It's about YOU and what you want with your life...after all we only get one shot at this. I must warn you though. Try not to let your emotions run the show. If you leave your marriage, do it because it's not working for you, because he is not respecting you, because you are not fulfilled. Do NOt do it because you are emotionally drawn to someone else, because the bottom line is that she is in a relationship now. She really isn't available. When push comes to shove, she might not be there for you. Can you accept that? It's not about your husband. It's not about your lover. It's simply about you and taking care of yourself. Although you are surrounded by a lot of people that care about you, life is a solo journey in the end. So, take extra special care of YOU. Do whatever you choose to do for you...as far as having a wonderful, serene life. Be true to YOU.