What's it like being gay in the "real world" (AKA when you're all on your own)? Do you face discrimination from your community, workplace, etc. or is everyone accepting of you? Do you still have to deal with your parents trying to nag you into becoming straight, if you have any contact with them at all? Do things actually get better or does life get more and more challenging as time goes by? Please tell me as much as you can.
For me it is not even something I think about - it is such a non issue. Everyone in my life sees me as me. My sexuality has nothing to do with it. In fact when I get asked about my wife - and I correct them to say husband. They only feel uncomfortable because they think they have upset me. I won't say it's plain sailing everyday because not everyone is the same. That comes down to personalities. For me it's all good
I've been out for nearly eleven months. My only obstacle was work. I took care of that in an interesting conversation with my boss about Stonewall about two weeks ago. It does cross my mind quite a bit that I am a lesbian mostly because I think about my girlfriend quite a bit (which obviously is a lesbianish thought). I came out to my mom first and she wasn't very happy but she is very accepting now and even tells my relatives. My dad accepted me right away. My three boys and my five brothers are good too. I think it takes being your usual loving and lovable self to show that you are still the same person you've always been, just happier.
For my partner and I things are just fine. EveryoneI wok with knows about me/us, they've met my partner and I casually talk about what we've done or are doing on the weekend just like everyone else. Almost all my immediate family (including my mom) knows and has met my partner a couple of times (there are a couple of exceptions that the whole family has agreed it would be best not to open that can of worms - although I would if I needed to), and my (I should say our) friends all know. I treat being gay as a pretty casual thing and nobody has ever given me any major grief for it. That's including college in Arizona and living in Virginia for the last 16yrs and being pretty much out to all and sundry in all that time (there were a couple jobs early on out of college - but my last three employers all included DP benefits, which I've made use of). My partner and I are currently kicking around getting married in a couple of years (romance is nice, but tax benefits are FOREVER!!!), and plan to have his sister perform the ceremony (she's a priest and currently in a state that allows marriage, so we'd travel there) and will fly my mom and possibly sister in for the fun. At least that's the very tenuous plan at this point. Living in VA means that we get to hear a fair bit of anti-gay propaganda (I commute past CBN (home of Pat Robertson) every day and Ken Cuccinelli is hopefully going to lose the governor's race this Tuesday here), but not among my friends and co-workers. So, yeah it does get better, if you want to make it so. Much like anything else, being gay is what you make of it. Todd
I came out to myself almost one year ago. At the time it felt painful, and earth shattering, and like something terrible that I'd never work through. There were a few dark months as I learned to actually accept myself for who I am. About a month after that I came out to a good friend of mine who was my confidant as I worked through a lot of the difficulty of self acceptance. She accepted me instantly and completely. I waited four months until I started discussing it with other friends, and then it just snowballed. About two weeks after I started to tell people I was out to most of the friends I regularly hang out with. I received nothing but total support, and encouragement. About a month after that I came out at work, and again I was met with wonderful support. I told my family a few months later, and they were not surprised. My mother seems confused about how MUCH of a lesbian I am (Completely and totally a lesbian, mom), and seemed to hold out a vague hope that I might end up with a man one day. But after I came out she stopped bugging me about putting myself out there to find the right guy to settle down with. She has been supportive. I have not been met with any negativity at all. Once I managed to accept myself, which I've done in stages over the last year, I became a much happier person than I've been in a long long time. Everything has continued to get easier as time has gone by. I've since started dating. I've fallen head over heels for someone for the first time, had my heart broken for the first time (ouch. but bound to happen eventually), kissed my first girl, gone to gay bars, and asked someone out for the first time. It has been an amazing year! The only thing I haven't done is gone to a Pride Parade. I wasn't comfortable enough to go last year. I'm ready for this year though! Rainbows everywhere!!!! I have not been met with any public discrimination, and I am very obviously gay. I go to work in men's clothes. I have short hair. I adore flannel. I'm just SUPER gay, so it's not like I"m flying under the radar. And my first kiss with a girl was out in public with other people around. The only time I've ever been harassed is when I was closeted/in denial. I think it might be because I wasn't as comfortable with myself, and made for an easier target.
The ONLY negativity I have had is from charismatic/Pentecostal Christians I used to hang out with. I have been condemned by all but one. I just laugh though wondering how many of them are in the closet.
I find that it is mostly a non-issue. I say mostly. I have found that once in a while, like once every five years or more, that I will receive poor service at a deli counter, or a store or somewhere. That is about as bad as it ever gets for me. Like first I notice that the person does not fully answer my question(s) about which products are available at that time. Or the service is slow, and finally the order wrong. And then I look closer at the person and I pick up the homophobia by their body language. I am sharp in this regard and I know what I am seeing - no doubt. One trouble spot is my sister. She is an alcoholic and her homophobia is not only showing but increasing as the years go by. She starts fights with me, and blows up screaming, and then says it was me who started the fight. Then when it is proven that it was her (who started the argument), she says that I made her start the fight! It's pure underling homophobia I can sense it clearly. And it won't get better while she is drinking I know that. Thankfully she lives in another state and we need not see each other at all. But in general, things are fine, and not only fine but better than ever before, the world is changing. I am seeing more men walking down the street hold hands, and more men kissing on network TV. Big breakthroughs in the last two years even.
It gets way better when you can support yourself and are out of the house. Sure, it will always hurt if your parents don't accept you, but it's not like they can kick you out of the house, because you can support yourself and are a seperate entity by then. I told no one about it until I was a young adult and out of the house, married in fact and had just filed for divorce. I was tired of lying to myself and living a lie. I told my parents first and my father had the balls to tell me "he didn't want me to be gay and didn't approve" to which I relplied "I am a bit too old to require your support or acceptance, deal with it or you won't have to deal with me talking to you any time soon". I hung up and it took a few years for him to get his head out of his arse, but it happened. My grandmother and brother got the same talk. At least my brother was like "I respect you for having the guts to call people up and tell them, not beat around the bush" however, he them made things bad by saying he had to protect his daughter from me, which made me angry(LOL My Niece is very LGBT supportive and headed a GLSEN club in her highschool once she found out about me)so he also came around. It was so freeing to not have to depend on another to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach, I could be who I really was! I won't lie and tell you it will be a bed of roses with everyone, some people will have issues, but most people are cool with it and accepting, and most people don't really care. There is so much more gay acceptance these days. If I had to come out now, I would do so without any hesitation.
It's a mixed bag, but a good one. Most people are just fine with me/us. Some are less good, a very few are hateful...but both less good and hateful people tend to keep it to themselves. I have never felt myself to be the object of hate speech or any hate-based activity. Of course, my workplace is pretty enlightened...but still there are those *could* make themselves difficult and don't.
Everyone knows I'm gay. I'm out at work (both jobs), out to my friends, out on Facebook. I don't know if the mailman or the butcher knows I'm gay, but I can't say I care if they find out. Given that, I consider myself completely out. What's it like? An utter non-issue. Both workplaces don't have any issue with it. They know and like my partner, and he's invited to all work functions the same as a wife would be. My heavily-conservative brother brought his seven-year-old daughter to my place last weekend to watch Star Wars. My parents and my partner take turns cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the extended family. My partner's parents are both in the military, so there's a lot of "we don't talk about this sort of thing"...but they still accept me. When my mother's mother died, his parents sent her a condolence card, even though they've never met. (They live 2000 miles away.) I literally can't think of any way I wish it were better - it's as good as it can possibly get. Lex
Real world -- as an out gay man... ITS AMAZING! The feeling of freedom, of being genuine, authentic. Being able to hang the rainbow flag on the front of my house. Walk down the street hand in hand or arm in arm with a man. Sharing a kiss with a man in a restaurant. I've only had one friend whose response was blah. Its all good - I think he's got a lot of personal back story going on. I still have a kid at home -- I'm passionate that no one, ever, will tell gay jokes, make fun of gay folk, be disparaging in any way without speaking up. No one will make my kid feel like he's part of a 2nd class family. period. THAT is the best part of being out. . . . the next best thing is that once you're out, the tribe is there for you... you will see gay men not only at gay venues, you'll meet them at the store, museums, church, school events. and since my end goal is a partnership -- that will only happen when I put myself out there. all the best/ Pete
Lexington, I think the mailman might know I'm a lesbian with some of the stuff I receive in the mail. :roflmao:
You guys make me feel really good. I've been a part of various employee affinity groups for the better part of 20 years, with the last 10 as a member our our LGBT group. What I always hoped was that if I do what I can, hopefully someone else will do the same even though you may not be able to see the result. But that shouldn't keep us from trying and it does all add up. Listening to all of you reminds me that things are happening, it's better than it used to be and we need to just keep moving forward one step at a time. Thanks.
