trying to get psyched up

So, I will start with a good report. My came out to my best friend from high school yesterday and it went splendidly. Crap, he even teared up and said "what can I say, you will always just be S**** (insert my name) to me." Gave me a big bear hug and was nothing but supportive. Turns out, he has been expecting his son to come out for a while now, which of course, may or may not happen, but he is ready with open arms. No, this friend is decidedly not gay, but he is a good friend as you can plainly see.

Now, the dilemma. I am having lunch with my dad tomorrow. I have a weight I want to get off of my conscious. Most of my issues around trust and authority have to do with a nasty divorce, or three, that I lived through as a kid. My parents didn't do anything nasty deliberately, but it was really nasty for me just the same. We have grown distant for other reasons. It bothers me. I really want to have parents that I can just talk to at this point in my life. If I don't tell him, we will absolutely grown farther apart because I am already feeling more and more distant from anyone in my circle of friends and family who don't know that I'm gay. Takes too much energy to pretend, God I don't know how I did it for so long as it is. I want to take the chance to see, at least on my side, how this could all go.

My mom will have to come later and that will be much more complicated. I just dropped the double bomb of we are likely moving to Vermont and I'm not a conservative :icon_bigg, so please stop telling me what someone said on Fox News :bang:. My stepdad didn't take that so well, but that's ok, the best is yet to come :eusa_danc.

Back to the pep talk, I will make to promises EC, to you or to myself, but if I can get up the nerve and do it, I think I'll be happier (or at least relieved) for it. So far I've come out with little risk involved. To my brothers and closest friends. My wife has told her brother and closest friends. Not too much risk. But this, for me, this feels both necessary and risky. I hope that tomorrow is the right day. I'll let you know.

 

Thanks everyone. I know you are right, I know this is what I want and need to do. Just feels terribly, what....hard. I know I can feel the emotional storm just behind my eyes and in my heart. I've hidden from my family for so long, on so many fronts, I would like that to change. I would like to have my dad's support, I can't think of the last time I needed him for anything this important to me. I guess that is it, I don't know that I trust either of my parents. Perhaps a perception check is the best medicine. I'll keep you all posted.

 

Well, I did and it went exceptionally well. He was prepared for some form of big talk because he couldn't understand why I suddenly wanted to be out of ministry so strongly. Couldn't understand why I'd turn down a call to serve a church in Idaho that really was an ideal situation for my family. Now it all makes sense, and yes, I think we will grow closer because of this. He asked me why I finally decided to tell him today, I implicated this thread, thanks one and all for helping me through this.

 

Wtf!:tantrum:

Dad, why in the hell did you think it was a good idea to go and e-mail my wife after our talk? What in the hell were you thinking, after I told you we needed space, to take this moment to lay that sh*t out in writing? Dear lord, this is exactly why I have been delaying telling you anything. I don't need the family politicking right now, she certainly doesn't need, and now I've got to fix it.

Sorry guys, had to get that out.

 

The best part is I know her well enough to exactly what state she is in. She's in Toronto with the kids staying with her brother and I can't get a response. So, what fun is in store for me tonight???

 

Thanks guys. The problem is that my parents have not really ever been ultra supportive of her. International marriages are hard to begin with for a number of reasons. Her parents have always been supportive of me, mine have been protective of me. She has felt for a long time that she was trapped in my parents divorce, and while meaning well, my dad put his foot in it. I just talked to him, was going to go over for dinner, but don't really feel like doing that now. I feel like getting the hell out of town and away from all of my family members. I am sure she will calm down, but you guys know all too well how delicate the line is between amicable resolutions and war. This is exactly what I told him, that we needed space and time. That is why we are moving to freaking Vermont, to get away from everyone we know and try to get our kids stable and our marriage ended well. We need time for that and really nothing else.

 

Sorry folks for my emotional yo-yo display last night. Telling my dad and the unclogging of stuff hit me a bit stronger than I'd realized. My wife was not mad at him at all, as it turns out, only at me for assuming that she'd be upset. I'll say it here, for the record, I really do not understand the female mind sometimes. No offense intended for the wonderful gals on EC!