Most E.C.'ers know my back story by now. My wife and I are trying to figure out if she can become supportive of my coming out and living on my own, but we're a pretty tight couple with a fairly good marriage, even though she's far more dependent upon me...than I am her for our levels of happiness. She worked for more than 10 years for a lesbian physician, with whom she has a good relationship. They no longer work together, but wanted to have dinner together last night. My wife was trying to decide if she wanted to tell her old boss during their dinner about my coming out. I suggested that she should try, because it makes it more real once you have someone else who's sharing the story with you. Well, when she didn't come home for over 3 hours, I was pretty certain that my wife had gotten up the nerve to share what's going on and that we're in therapy together. When my wife got home, she was still very upset and I turned off the TV, so that we could talk. Then, she floored me with the news that her boss totally sided with my wife. Her boss thinks I'm crazy to be leaving a 40-year marriage. The boss couldn't understand why a 61-year old man would mess up his life to this degree. She told my wife that companionship is really what it's all about from 60 onward. The doc and her partner no longer even have sex, haven't had for years and sleep in different beds. She was projecting onto my wife that the story of her life is really what my wife and I already have. As a result of their conversation, my wife concluded that she's even more convinced that; 1. I must have had an affair, because without that, my coming out doesn't make sense 2. I need to just wake up and realize what I've got is as good as it gets and keep my mouth shut. No more coming out to people! 3. This whole thing is an unexplainable act of selfish on my part. 4. Her boss suspected that I was gay years ago, but never said anything to my wife. 5. Her boss feels that some gay people just need to suck it up and stay married to their heterosexual partner. Needless to say, this is NOT what I expected would happen and I'm stunned. I didn't say much to my wife at the time, but I know this conversation will return. I need some help thinking about how to take this on.
Boundaries boundaries. You need to figure out what you want, on your own. Let your wife, on her own, figure out what she wants. You've shared many years together of course, but consider that it sounds like you're putting part of your life around your sexuality in her hands. Why? I am part of a number of circles of men (straight and gay). And can most assuredly tell you that men 60+ are quite active sexually. And fall in love and create relationships. It *is* sweet! I can tell you that "mature" men like me build connections in the gay community, real friendships, that become our families of choice. Its up to you whether you want to live life alone as a gay man or be part of a larger group. Are there LGBTQ centers accessible to you? My coming out group has men aged 18 to 70. Different levels of life experience and complications, but coming out is not really so different. Lastly -- why give credence to the words of someone who seems to be in a failed marriage/partnership? Based on your description, there's no way I'd want that. Do you? Hugs/ Pete
I'm sorry to hear that didn't go quite like you wanted. I don't really have any expert advise for you except.... If it was me I would probably try to convince my wife that though the Dr can give her support, she really can't comprehend the situation because she is not living it. Most outsiders are just not going to understand the situation and your wife has to realize that. For instance I don't understand how couples stay together forever when they clearly don't love each other. I see hetero couples that are never together, drive separate everywhere they go, etc... But, that is an example of me not understanding because I'm not in that situation. I just always try and explain to my wife on any subject matter that take other's opinions with a grain of salt because this is our life not anyone else's. We have to do what we think is right. I'm not sure if that helps but I hope your day gets a little better
Oh hell no!!!(Re separate bedrooms & no sex after 60!!) Feel like I have never experienced real passion before. Yes I think over time sexual intensity fades. Passion,love & affection can be expressed in so many ways. I've always loved watching elderly couples walking & holding hands. A simple expression of love that connects them.
What a catalogue of odious assumptions! 1) "too old" 2) "as good as it gets" 3) "just settle" 4) "you had an affair" YOU want to live! THEY want you to roll over and behave...YOUR choice.
The woman I'm seeing is 50 and she just left a relationship with a 60 year old woman who sounds like your wife's boss. My friend (it seems too soon to say girlfriend!) was unhappy with what had a become a sexless, companionate partnership. Her ex thought that every relationship ended up that way and there was nothing wrong. Even after my friend told her partner about her feelings for me, her partner insisted there was nothing wrong, nothing to work on in their relationship - her solution was for my friend to just ignore her own desires and her feelings for me. Their couples counselor injected some reality into the discussion - yes, some long relationships end up that way but all relationships do not. And if ine person wants more, or if two people have different needs and expectations, for the relationship to survive they both have to work on it. I agree with GW - you need to decide what you want out of life. Just like my friend had to decide if what she had was good enough or if she wanted something different.
Thanks for all of the reminders that it doesn't matter what others think, believe, or have experienced. The fact is....it's my life, my identity and I get to decide. I'm working on lining up an individual therapist today. Our couples therapist felt it would be a great next step and I concur. I can't move forward until I let go of some of the baggage and internalized homophobia. Can't WAIT to get started!!!
Yes Ormanout... I agree with many of sentiments above re: your situation. Is it true that people (your wife) will somehow seek out people (even it happens to ironically be her lesbian ex boss) to let them hear what they want to her, to confirm their own position? I guess your wife has only had a short space of time to deal with something (your sexuality) that you have been dealing with all your life. She has to deal with that in whatever way she has to and all you can do is give her the space to do that. Its not your 'fault' you are gay (as much as it is not hers). Its not your 'fault' that you have at last decided to be your true self. There is no going back. All has changed. Without running away or getting defensive or fighting back or blaming her - might it be that somehow emotionally and/or physically you need to give your wife space to deal with it however she has to. Separate therapy sounds like an excellent way forward. Internalised homophobia was (and still is?) a massive blockage in my own (late) coming out. I was shocked at how much stuff I had accumulated around that over my years of denial and seeing a (gay) therapist and attending life-coaching workshops with other gay men was something I had to do to help clear away all that stuff - an ongoing journey. Wishing you strength and compassion as things continue to unfold for you
