Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. I see all the posts on Facebook of happy couples celebrating milestone anniversaries with trips, cruises, fancy dinners and such, and I'll admit to feeling a little jealous. Not that I have ever really felt the need for all that extravagance, since I'm a pretty spartan kind of person anyhow, but I really, truly expected to feel some happiness and satisfaction at reaching 20 years. I moved out of my parents' house in late 1985. My mother unexpectedly dropped dead 6 months later, followed not even a year later by my sweet old grandfather. My "baby" sister convinced me to join her in a contemporary choir at the church we grew up in, and I got to be friends with the woman I eventually married, who was already engaged to someone else. I sang for her wedding the next year, and we had already become good friends with some hint that there were some deeper feelings there as well. My beloved grandmother couldn't handle losing her daughter, husband and also her only sister, in the space of a year, and started to get sick. She died of cancer a year after my wife's first marriage, which was tanking fast due to her husband's alcoholism and abuse. My other sister had had a child shortly before Mom died and had already had a second, and I felt like she was living the life I had always wanted. It seemed so unfair--I wanted kids so much, and she never did--and here she was with 2 of them, and I couldn't even find a woman I was attracted to. What was wrong with me? I knew I was attracted to guys, but making the jump to "I'm gay" just seemed to be too much to handle on top of all the other wild emotion going on. Plus, I was closing in on 30, which in my mind was the age when I had always expected to be married and have a couple of kids myself. The year I turned 30, her first marriage blew up and we got together (although not in that order!). It seemed like things were finally coming together the way they were "supposed" to. Two years after that, after the divorce and full Catholic annulment went through, we got married. It's not like things weren't rough from the very beginning, but I really believed that a lot of the problems we had were because we both had gone through difficulties and needed to create a real, positive family for ourselves, to reboot our lives and start fresh, and things would all come together. So much for that assumption. So I'm not feeling very chipper today. I'm not sure whether my being gay resurfaced because our marriage became so messed up, with her emotional issues, or if I would have been able to deal with her better had I not been on edge because of that deep feeling that something was wrong. Some of both, I suppose. But as I sit here at work, all I can think about is that my marriage is terminal and on life support, like a pregnant woman in a coma on a ventilator, waiting for her baby to be viable so the machines can be turned off, and I will feel at least somewhat better when tomorrow comes and I don't have to think about it.
I know what that feels like and it can be painful. The society we live in creates such huge expectations over anniversary dates. It might be useful to stop and use this date to simply take an accounting of what works....doesn't work for you in the marriage. It's okay to acknowledge the anniversary with your wife, while still privately considering what you need to ask yourself. I am in the same exact boat as you....only we've been married for 39 years. I am having to ask myself..."how gay am I." Well, the truth is all of my fantasies are gay. When I dream of something sexual, it's always gay. My thoughts as I pass through the world are gay-focused observations. That leads me to believe that the only path to fulfillment for me is to move along....learn to LIVE gay....not just think, feel and dream about it. Painful as all of that may be due to the changes it will force on my life and that of my spouse, I have grown tired of the pain of wanting, but not having something important to me. Getting there is simply a matter of one step at a time. Along the way, you are bound to pass over anniversaries and other dates of significance. I'm sorry for your sadness today, but I wish for you clarity in your self-assessment, if nothing else.
Distract, distract, distract. If there is anything in life that you can become completely absorbed in, lose yourself and all concept of time to, then indulge in that thing today. And whatever you do, DO NOT allow yourself to indulge in regret. You have two amazing children who you love with every fiber of your being, and I know you wouldn't trade their existence for any of the rest of it, so remind yourself how truly worth it the past twenty years have been, for their sakes alone. Believe me, I know where you are right now. I went through exactly this one month ago (10/3) although for us it would have been 21 years. Luckily, it was also my busiest work day of the year, so even when he showed up to view the results of all my work, I could only spare a minute on that horrendous, awkward vibe then had to move on. Tomorrow will feel like a much better day. (*hug*)
Luckily I have music class with the Christian Formation kids tonight and can avoid the house for awhile. I may stop for some white roses on the way home from work as a sort of peace offering. No regrets, really. I just feel like this could be so much easier if there was some way to talk about this and work together towards a solution. But as long as we've been together, she has never been willing to do that, in any conflict we've ever had. I'd really like to be able to end this, and not feel that she will wind up on the streets or getting together with another loser like her first husband. I need to convince myself not to care. I'm headed in the right direction, but I'm not there yet.
Hope your roses were received in the spirit with which they were intended and you were able to spend an amicable evening in appreciation for the good that has come from your decades-long partnership. If not, I hope that at the very least it wasn't too horrible. Look at it as wrapping up one era in your marriage. Tomorrow is a fresh start on the next. (*hug*)
One thing you can do is stay off Facebook. It's been scientifically proven to make people depressed. Not surprising as everyone is posting the curated highlights of their lives that give a skewed version of reality. I do sympathize with you about the milestone dates, which take on a whole different feel after being out to our wives. I'm dreading the possibility of spending the first thanksgiving without my kids. Still don't know the plan as my wife isn't speaking with me. I hope the flowers were well received and you made it through the day ok.
CB, can only imagine how hard a moment like this is. I understand watching friends post and toast to their long happy years of marriage and always feeling like mine is such a sham. Of course, my wife has acknowledged and lived with this burden longer than I. I know you care for her wellbeing. I believe that to be quite commendable. Even if you were to remain as a caretaker, of sorts, for the rest of your life you would still have to refresh your strength. You would still have to draw a hard boundary and hold to it. And that, my friend, is hard. It can make you feel selfish or with out mercy/pity. To draw a line and say, I must do this much at least for me. I have read enough of your posts to know that you rode in on a white horse. You have poured yourself out for her. Sooner or later, that well will dry up. I think you probably know all of this. I think you probably realize that the source of a fresh spring and new life will not be found with her either. So, if you can not get her to go with you in the right direction, and if you feel that you will remain her caretaker for whatever reason for whatever time, know that you cannot without taking care of yourself. You can only give so much, worry alone will not accomplish anything for either of you. So, back to the right direction, that is something that I think you may have to define for yourself. Who, CB, will give care to the caretaker? It is an important question. Perhaps it is its own way toward something different, something better. I am glad to see you back on the forums, missed your voice there for a bit.
I ended up actually forgetting about the flowers. Just as well. Even when things were better between us, they seemed to be a source of suspicion as much as appreciation--it was generally a case of "You didn't have to! But what did you do that you're bringing me flowers for?" Fortunately, I had a few errands to run, and then taught my 2 music classes, came home and took a walk, and was basically not around for any significant amount of time until pretty late in the evening, and she spent enough time on the phone afterwards that we really didn't interact a whole lot. I cringed a little when her 98-year-old grandmother called to wish us a happy anniversary. But we had an awkward drink and that was about it. We did have a difficult conversation this morning (on the phone, of course, they're rarely face to face). She mentioned that she basically can't get through to our younger daughter in any way, and said she hoped I wasn't making things worse by bashing her, because "sometimes parents do that to each other" in our situation. I told her that I was trying to do the exact opposite and trying to keep things smoothed out between them, with little success, and that both girls feel like they can't trust her to behave the same way from one minute to the next. She got a little choked up at that and suddenly "had to go". It may bother her that things are bad, but not enough to do anything but shut down and move on, I guess. My heart just aches for her. She knows that her relationships with people are messed up, and I can see how much that hurts her, but she just can't see (or really, can't accept) her own role in it. I usually deal best with change via a series of short bursts, followed by periods of coasting and adjusting. Telling her, and the several strained conversations since then, was the short burst, and now I need to refocus and adjust before the next sprint. I know I can't be her caretaker forever, and I am feeling that more and more clearly with each passing day. But I also believe in my heart that I am very likely the only person who has even the remotest chance of pointing out the iceberg that her own private Titanic is heading for, and I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't do everything in my power to get her to turn away just a little. I knew that even before I could accept that I was gay, but I felt too paralyzed to start doing anything about it. No paralysis now, but I need to recalibrate and decide how much time I can give her without cheating myself our of any more of my own life.
I have been trying to get her into therapy for 15 years. Her reaction is always the same--"All a counselor is going to do is say everything is MY FAULT". She actually did talk to someone (only one session that I know of) earlier this year, after a particularly rough fight--a close friend convinced her to go. But according to the friend, a few touchy subjects came up pretty quickly that she couldn't deal with, and as far as I know she never went back. She needs it, badly. Between the alcoholic father, the abusive/distant mother, the physically abusive brothers, a date rape and the alcoholic/physically abusive ex, she has plenty of baggage. She has great enthusiasm and persistence, and is very passionate about things that she feels are important--but she is very much her own worst enemy.
STBX just compared his sister-in-law to Eeyore in personality - which my son & I thought was pretty cold, considering her husband just died 3 weeks ago. But he did have a point, some people just wrap themselves in that "Woe is me" aura and when confronted with the ability to change, really don't even want to!
I will say that I'm feeling much more freedom to bring up things with her than I used to. I have nothing left to lose. I often feel like the old "me", my old life, is lying in bed dying, and I don't know how much time it has left. Like a terminally ill person, I am desperately trying to tie up the most glaring loose ends, and trying to do what I can to preserve some kind of family unity and stability after I'm gone. And like a terminally ill person, I don't really know when the end will come. I had made a lot of plans for telling her I was gay, but in the end, it happened, not when I planned it, but when the time was right for it to happen. I am clinging on to the hope that I can make as many things "right" as possible before everything really changes. And based on past experience, it will change when the time is right--ready or not.
Follow-up conversation this morning.... "So how did it feel on our anniversary?" "Well....a little awkward and sad." "So were you thinking about how much happier you'll be when you're with someone else?" Deep breath....This is bait. Don't take it. "I really haven't made that jump in my head yet. I'm not making plans for some future yet. I have no idea what I want." "Well, I'm sure you'll be happier with someone who's not such a bitch." Familiar territory--the only real problem we have is that she's a bitch and supposedly can't change, and I am inadequate because I couldn't take it. My standard line here is to tell her she's not a bitch or a monster. But if everything is new, might as well try a new tactic. "If you think you're a bitch, you know you can do something about it." Obviously didn't register yet, so she felt the need to press the issue. "The girls think I'm a bitch. I can't say anything to them because I'm always the 'bad parent'." More familiar territory.... "Well, why is that? You don't have to be a bitch if you don;t want to. It's not like I give them much different of a message than you do. The only difference is that I don't say it like they're stupid or bad. You can change how you say things." "Oh, I could be completely sweet and nice and they would still hate me." Count to 10.... "You could just state the facts. No sweetness, but no meanness either. The thing that bothers them is that they don't know what to expect from you. Saying things in a harsh way with judgmental comments is something your mother would do. Be a better person than that. They don't want to hate you." Dead silence.....and it was time for me to get ready for work. But perhaps some progress. It didn't turn into a huge argument, I didn't get defensive, and I didn't let her behavior off the hook. It's not like I believe I can solve everything before I move on, but I hope that if I can be patient for awhile yet, perhaps I can start her moving at least a little bit in a more positive direction.
It really sounds like she is completely miserable and doesn't want to own that in a way that would require / allow her to change it. Maybe when you're gone she will finally realize she has a choice. But you're right about not being able to control that or fix her. Damn, you've been trying for 20+ years! She doesn't want to change.
