So, what a day, what a week. Stats at this point, out to my best friend from high school, my dad, my grandmother and my mom (both today). That leaves my step-dad and my aunts, and then guys, I will be as out as I can be/desire to be now. Church will wait until I am no longer serving as a pastor (should be by January), and even then I'm not going to do anything deliberate because I don't want to invite scandal into my family's life. My new career will not include this on the agenda, at least not at first, because I don't see the need to be honest. Doesn't effect my ability to do my work one way or another. My old friendships that contain not much communication, well, let's just say I don't feel the need to spend the time and energy just yet to reconnect just so I can tell them that I'm gay. Again, don't see the point. A handful (3-4) closer friends who don't know...when I see them face to face and I'm not connected to a church (since all but one is a pastor). Again, that is just about timing and doing it in a way other than a telephone call. Complete strangers, well, they'll think what they think. Moving forward with new relationships, I am who I am and I'll not hide it ever again. I'll mention it if it makes sense, I won't if it doesn't. I'll not lie if I'm asked. That's my policy. The really big one that will have to come next will be for my wife and I to decide how we will tell the kids, what we will tell them first (divorce or dad is gay, and at 9 years old, they are only going to understand this to a limited degree). Before we do that, we need to finally complete our move back from Europe and provide them with some semblance of stability, something they've never really had. That will be, I am sure, a thread for a different time. I'm thinking winterish, late winterish. God, it really feels good to be this close to my goal.
Wow... congratulations! Isn't it a GREAT feeling to be out?!?! Or at least more out than you were before? Proud of you.
Great work! Fantastic to affirm who you are and the man you are going to be. How did the latest coming outs go? The kids will happen in due time. My own experience with my kids is that they resented more not being told, keeping secrets, and with holding the truth than the actual truth itself. They clearly felt and knew the divorce was happening. My sexuality was a non issue, really . Reassure them that they are loved and safe and will always have a relationship with both you and their mother, that's what matters most. Huge congrats! /Pete
Thanks for keeping us posted Pal! Yes indeed, the great wheel is turning and hurtling towards a better, or at least more honest, future! I have stated before that I will not tell the wife and kids until the divorce is final, but I can already see that my younger son will take this news with some difficulty, mostly because he will feel embarrassed about me in his own school setting. He already can't talk about me at school because of the separation/divorce. So I will have to reassure him very forcefully that I will not tolerate any instances of jokes or teasing, or worse, bullying, that may befall him at school or elsewhere when the news gets out.
Sir, The wheel in the sky keeps on turning and as great whale said, you’re going in the right direction. The fact you took the final step by telling your family and friends, thus allowing you to be yourself for once, is fantastic. Greatwhale might not put much stock into what Freud says, but I maintain that having to keep a part of yourself under lock constantly can be terrible for your mental health. If your wife and children love you, they’ll accept your choice.
Very exciting to see things moving in such a positive direction! I wouldn't be too concerned about the kids' reaction, although I haven't told our youngest (age 12) yet. I'm not concerned about the gay part (she has already voiced strong opinions in favor of gay marriage, and one of her gymnastics coaches is openly gay and she loves him to pieces). But with no real plan for divorce, the future etc. it just didn't seem like a good idea to inject any more uncertainty into her life, especially considering my wife's general instability. You're sounding VERY motivated. Congratulations!
Thanks guys for your words and support. I'll start with my grandmother. It was her birthday and I walked down to which her a happy one, and then we got onto how is the wife, the kids? Any news on her job? Etc,. So, wanting to give a full and honest answer, I told her the whole tale. She was wonderful. Affirming. I seem to be beating myself up a bit still over some issues, she didn't relent on pushing back on those points. She truly is an incredible person, which I've long known, but it really was a welcome conversation. She had to do this all before when my aunt came out so many years ago. Most importantly, something that is terribly important to me, there will still be space (perhaps more than there was before) for my wife in the greater circle of family. Perhaps they will see her without the filter of me not "understanding" why our marriage has sucked so badly (well, I was looking in the wrong direction to try and find my answers). A bunch of us joined up with my grandma for dinner, including my mom and myself. I wasn't planning on that one yesterday either. On the way back home she started into how fantastic that my wife and I have pulled through, that it looks like we might make it. Of course, I had to stop her at that point and just opened up. I was a mess. Shed some full body tears. Amazed by some of the revelations in those moments, when deep seated feeling take on words. I guess what bothers me is that she did not seem to react much at all. So I don't know if I have more yet to see as she processes this all or if I really have been playing against so many phantoms for so many years. Yes EF, I would concur that keeping this in has effected a lot more than just my mental health. I have a similar feeling to what I had after telling my dad, a sort of post dramatic incident let down. I also feel like this is it, I really came out. I know I'm not FB public, and as I said earlier, don't even feel the need for that right now. I have a couple more conversations to have, but telling the parents was a wildly different kind of step in this process. I don't even think I was looking for their acceptance, I was looking to reconnect emotionally with them. That, as of now, has not yet happened. Perhaps that is OK too, maybe I can finally move on from the the pain of childhood. Don't know, just glad its over with really.
Pal- I am so happy for you. I was getting teary just reading your first post. The immense sense of relief one feels when kicking that closet door open is immeasurable.
Congratulations Palimpsest! Way to keep the ball rolling. BTW, I just looked up the word palimpsest... very apropos. Best of luck as you continue to write your new chapters.
I know the title to this thread is disastrously dramatic, but that's ok. It does feel like an ordeal I will be glad to be on the other side of. That perhaps I can put a good portion of my straight life to rest and begin to just live life fully.
