It has been 3 months since I've been in church. That, for me, is a really long time. Probably the longest break I've ever taken. I'm going today to a church here in town that has an openly gay pastor, which is probably the only reason I am going. As I get ready here I am so utterly aware that I have some deep seated unresolved anger with church at the moment. I don't think any of it has to do with my orientation. I think it has to do with the way church superstructures treat their pastors. We moved back from Europe as missionaries and were supposed to have had some support to see us through a transition, and there has been, nothing. Now I could have gone out and fundraised a bunch, but I'm not there right now guys. Can't pull that one off because I have so many other things to deal with, most of which have shown up in my threads. Everyone in leadership knows that we are in "distress," while they don't understand all the details, they don't need to. I am disappointed in the way I see the church right now. I've slowly been coming to a place where I can say I love God but an really scared of Christians. I don't like the heavy handed abusive power plays. I don't like the "I have all the answers" self-righteousness. Now, on top of my original qualms, the way the majority of them treat our community has really left me smoldering. Perhaps EC friends you have realized that this is probably the second largest issue I'm struggling with. How to stabilize my family and how move on with my life, where moving on has to deal with a life long identity as a pastor. I don't feel my faith, no where, can't find it. It is distressing to me. Now that I feel this anger building just because I'm going to go to church, I suspect that is why I don't feel my faith. It's buried. I wish I knew how to work this one out. How to start peeling this onion. How to put this one to rest. Thanks for listening. I'll come back from church and write something happier!
Well, I'm not really connected to a church and my upbringing is what might kindly be called "universalist" but I enjoy talking to religious folks and hearing about beliefs I don't share. The religious belief regarding homosexuality that really stuck with me came from this one old priest who believed that homosexual people were specially anointed by God for the spiritual life because they are not burdened with the ability to raise a family (hey, he was old-can't expect perfect liberality). I don't know what he thinks of gay folks who don't become priests and nuns, but to me it's the most positive thing I've ever heard coming from a religious leader. Then again, I'm Canadian and I can't say many of the religious folks I've met are virulently anti-gay or anything. So that's a bias.
Well, this all does have a happy ending. I left it all, the tension, at the communion rail. I had lunch with the pastor, well, it was a great way to end my first outing. Since the room was well balanced between LGBT and straight, I had no sense of tension or of being unwelcome. I think this may be a place to hang out as long as I am in the area.
You're more than allowed to be angry at church structures. When I was in div school I was (physically) very close to the main state office, got to know bishops/etc well, went to dinner at their homes, etc. (being a poor student, who doesn't turn down dinner). In truth, what I saw and found out being so close -- was so much hypocrisy, mean spiritedness, and when I really needed support, didn't get it either. What I got out of that was a whole new sense of spirituality, deep connections, learned to meditate. That said, can't shake the calling... Blessings Pal.
