Hello I am new here. I'm a 40 something mom of 3 struggling big time. I have always been a total tomboy and many times assumed to be gay and have always had a massive admiration/jealousy of out lesbians. Almost a year ago I totally unexpectedly fell for a female friend and we had the most amazing, intense and passionate affair. I ended it after my husband got suspicious and the stress of cheating got me going crazy. It was the hardest thing I ever did, I love(d) her so much but was not brave enough to to tell my husband the truth and realised I needed space to get my head around, ummm not being quite so straight as I though as well as the prospect of ending my marriage. I am still grieving for her (and the way the relationship ended meant she feels really hurt as I did not manage it well, I feel a little used as she pursued me knowing she was gay but married too) and trying to figure out what next. I can't say for sure that I'm gay but I know I'm some way off being wholly straight! My marriage has not been great a couple of years and I ended my relationship with her so that I could Try to look honestly at it. If it was just me and my husband I would be gone but 3 small kids who adore their Dad makes it hard to just walk. I have done some marriage counseling with my husband but that focused on the marriage and I did not bring up my sexuality up. So now we exist in a kind of silent stalemate - neither of us happy, me too cowardly to be the 'bad guy' and sad at both the thought of more years with him and sad at the thought of divorce and sad at the thought of never experience a relationship with a woman again. My husband is a difficult man and has some self esteem and personality issues and is a little controlling... Talking is hard. I swing each day (sometimes each hour) on whether I say anything to him - that I am questioning at least - or whether I just focus on our marriage problems first Any thoughts/advice welcome? (I have read the Joanne Fliescher book and am aware of the forum she runs but have promised my ex girlfriend I won't post there as it is her space). Thank you if you read this far.
I think it was a good idea to end the affair, because you definitely need time to evaluate what is and is not important to you, and that's going to be hard enough without the added drama of two affairs going on, on top of the moral dilemmas at play for each of you I'm sure. Personally, I don't feel like a relationship is anything to suffer through, for YEARS. 20 years from now when the kids are grown and living their own lives, you will have nothing left but memories of a happier time to comfort you if you don't live for yourself a little, and to me it doesn't sound like your husband will be there for you either in any kind of emotionally intimate sense. I think deep down you know that you want to end it, but aren't brave enough to do so yet. You're miserable, he's apparently as miserable as you are. What are your kids going to benefit from with you guys together that they can't get from you two apart? And it isn't like you guys haven't already tried to mend fences. I'm not saying you should just quit, because relationships have recovered from worse, and things have been changed dramatically, but I don't think anyone would blame you for walking away now, and neither of you will ever be healthy if you keep living a secret life.
Hi Pretzel, Since you also replied to my post, you know where I am coming from with my point if view. I have one question though. Why does your gender say male? Was that a mistake or was that a conscious decision? In my opinion if you truly hope to save your marriage you do have to let him know that you are questioning. I'm assuming he does not know about the affair or perhaps I'm wrong. When someone has an affair, its generally because something is missing in their relationship. If its a once off that can happen in any relationship given the right circumstances or alcohol but an ongoing one usually means there is a big problem in the current relationship. That needs to be figured out if you hope to save it.
Oops listing my gender as male was a mistake... I have some issues but am definitely female! :icon_redf My husband does not know. What I am stuck on is am I just thinking of telling him I am questioning just to give my self a reason to go that absolves him of the blame for our marital problems? It is a tough one. He knows that a female friend made a pass at me and I was tempted and that I have some curiosity about my self but it has not been mentioned for months.
