Wishing I could keep it buried

Hi Lindsey. You have my sympathies but you have been brave in being honest with your H (I am too cowardly to talk to mine) and it sounds like he is being supportive. I am only out to my T, exGF and a handful of friends and have many of the doubts you do:
- should I break up my family because of this (or because my marriage is lousy, how lousy is it really or is my judgement clouded by fantasy of the relationship with exGF?)
- would the grass be greener (alone, in a rlx with a woman?)
- can I bury this and make it all go away as that would be easier (less scary at any rate... But at what personal cost?)

I too saw that Ted talk, it was inspiring but I too remain mired in fear.

Reader they are just fears though - work through them with your T.

Good luck and we'll done for being honest with your H. You sound like you have ample strength to navigate through this. X

---------- Post added 12th Nov 2013 at 11:46 AM ----------

Remember not reader... Damn auto correct!

 

I really feel for you Lindsey23, I am in a similar situation too. I came out to my husband a couple of weeks ago. He was very supportive but seems to just accept that we will be in a platonic relationship from now on, no big deal! Except it is a big deal, to me anyway.
I understand what you are saying about the fear of finding someone and it not working out. The thing is, your feelings will surface again, I don't think it is possible for them not to
I hope you are able to find the answer you are looking for, this is a journey being shared by many here. I have found this such a support!

 

Lindsey... Are we the same person? Honestly, I have had EVERY single one of those thoughts. Actually I will admit mine started before I told my stbx husband. As previously mentioned... I am the cheater. I took the relationship further while I was still 'supposedly' committed to my marriage ( although I'm not sure how committed I actually was--duh. And I don't ever remember thinking of sleeping with my girlfriend as a 'trial run'). That being said... I have vacillated constantly about whether I am doing the right thing. Should I suck it up? Should I not have told. Should I have kept the cheating a secret? Should I have told my gf it's over? What about my kids? What about my husband? What about my gf? What will others think?-- friends colleagues family neighbors church God??? Ahhhhh!!! And then it hit me. The only person in everyone of those situations, that I played through my head on repeat a thousand times, who I left out-- was me. In the end, I did consider me. I decided that it wasn't fair to my husband to live without a woman who appreciated all of the good he has to offer. It wasn't a good example to my children of what love and marriage should be. It wasn't fair to me to live a life where I was miserable hiding a part of myself that felt so right. Ultimately I had to forgive myself Lindsey. I had to understand that this one thing I did and this choice I am making does not erase every good thing about me. It doesn't negate the happiness I had nor does it prevent me, or anyone else in my life, from being happy again. At some point Lindsey..you have to tear off the bandaid for the wound to heal. It hurts. It doesn't heal right away. Sometimes when you least expect it the scab reopens, but eventually all wounds heal...they may leave a scar but they do heal. I still have hope that my family will heal like bones do--ending up stronger at the point of fracture than before. Best.

 

Wow... I may need to read this everyday as I make this journey.

 

When you say you still have sex, do you mean you enjoy having sex with him, or do you just do it with him to please him? I have a friend that is married but she's not really bi. She told me she lets him do her because that is her wifely duty, to fulfill his needs. She also loves her children that she has from this marriage, and says she eventually came to love her husband emotionally, even though she never desired him sexually. She has a female lover, and can't come out safely due to her religion. Although having attraction to someone in a sexual relationship might be important to me, I can't exactly fault her. No one forced me to get married, and no ones going to honor kill me if I come out.

I'm sorry, I wish I knew something that could help. I used to be in a lesbian relationship, but my partner passed away. Although I and my partner were platonic friends with my current boyfriend when my partner was alive, I never had any desire for him at the time. Even if I would've developed any at that time, I would'nt have acted on it, because my relationship with my partner was as important to me as any hetro married couple. If we'd have been allowed to marry we would have. I don't know how you'd find out for sure about things you haven't actually experienced, but I'm not suggesting cheating either.

I've told my BF that although I haven't acted on them, I still have desires for women as well, and he's accepting of that. But then he also knows I wouldn't be going behind his back with someone either.

 

"Well, I don't want to go into too much detail but I enjoy being intimate with him. It's not the sex exactly that I like but we do other things and lets just say both our needs are met. I think I'd be out the door if he ignored my needs. But here's the thing, I'm always thinking about women when I'm with him. I'm not attracted to men but I'm very attracted to women...I always have been."

Sounds like me too, at least up until recently. I still have desire for women in
addition to my desire for him. It's very confusing for me at my age. At least it's good you know what you want.

"I've talked to him about this and he's admitted that he's thought about other women too. He thinks that's normal in a marriage. So...no harm? We're both thinking about other women when we're together...it's almost funny. So a part of me feels I should be content with this but another part of me wishes I could be in a relationship with a woman. It's a persistent feeling that I'm with the wrong gender. But I have no experience to validate my feelings."

I know what you mean about it being funny. When I'm alone I usually fantasize about him, but if we're together in some public setting, I sometimes fantasize about other women I see. We went to a biker rally, where some of the women were taking their top off to some guys who were giving them beads, kind of like Marti Gras. When my BF looked, I couldn't exactly blame him, because I was looking too. Some fat guy came up to me and tried to offer me some beads. I just laughed and said I'd rather give them than receive em. He smiled and lifted up his shirt. My BF laughed and said that's not what she meant.

Seriously though, I know what you mean about validating feelings, particulary when your in a relationship.

"I'm so sorry your partner passed away..."

Thank you, but it's been 2 yrs now, it's time for me to move on. My same sex partner told me once that if something ever happened to her, she wanted me to find someone else and go on with my life. In my case it was easier said than done, because I loved her so much. It wasn't just sexual, it was more than that.

"I would never cheat either, We've talked about having an open marriage but it's not for us. I know we wouldn't last as a couple if we did that. We would just be kidding ourselves. So...we take things one day at a time. And some days are better than others..."

That's what my BF and I are doing. Although I have a physical attraction to him, I don't know how or why it occured. It might be temporary, and it scares me sometimes. It wouldn't be fair to him. He knows all this though, and is willing to risk it to be with me, so for now I'm taking things one day at a time too. (*hug*)

 

I read this a few days ago and only now replying.

Isn't it better to be honest with yourself and others around you now and not say in another year, this way that you can move forward, and it could be together but at least everyone knows they are they at.

 

Don't really have much advice isn't it better that you are happy?

 

You can't bury it…No matter how many times you bury it, it will come out of the ground like a ZOMBIE and find you and EAT you…

 

Don't know if you're anything like me, Lindsey, but I'm feeling like I've opened Pandora's box.

Can just tell, none of this is going back in now that it's out!

 

I do feel like Pandora's Box has been opened. Since I came out to my wife, I find myself considering and reconsidering my situation constantly, as in, multiple times a day. But I keep coming to the same conclusion: My life with my wife is really pretty great; why abandone if my wife is on board to keep it going? If I did abandone my wife and life as I know it, isn't there a strong possibility that my obsessive considering and reconsidering would flip, i.e., my curiosity about life with another man would turn into regret about giving up my life with my wife?

Like you said, one day at a time - even it if takes a year, or even a few years.