Got into a huge, difficult conversation with my wife last night about our de-coupling therapy session. She was upset because she felt she had no control over what happens in our future...that's it all about me and what I want. Trying to work with her from a vantage point of despair is really tough. Anyway, she eventually kept pointedly asking the question "what does your future life look like?" What is so different about it? Is it just that you'll be having "man sex." Why is identity congruence so important to you? Why would you give up all that we are to each other for that alone? So, I admit I was triggered in the moment and didn't come up with a great explanation of why identity congruence is so important. I told her about walking up each morning from my unconscious self, which is fully gay...only to have to march into the bathroom mirror and put on my incongruent, hetero identity mask. So, my question is....what would you say? Why is identity congruence so important?
Turn the question around...why is identity incongruence possible, or desirable? What are the six impossible things you need to believe before breakfast in order to be incongruent? Ask if these impossible things are desirable. Identity is a morass. It is like standing on quicksand to argue in that arena. Being gay is not a choice, as the colour of your eyes is not a choice; nowhere is this more important to realize than in this particular debate. Your identity as a straight married man is a construct, it is no more real than the construct of marriage: a whole bunch of hoopla, both ceremonial and legal needs to surround that institution in order for it to exist, marriage is an invention just like identity! Being gay is not a construct, it's a biological fact. As with eye colour, wearing different-coloured contact lenses starts getting irritating after a while.
Look up cognitive dissonance... For instance "People tend to seek consistency in their beliefs and perceptions. So what happens when one of our beliefs conflicts with another previously held belief? The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feeling of discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs. When there is a discrepancy between beliefs and behaviors, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance." discomfort is, umm, a minimal term. you're gay, living a straight life = cognitive dissonance. that leads to unhappiness, depression, suicidal ideation.... the list goes on. You can't be one thing and live another way and be happy. So let me ask -- do you think these "de coupling" sessions are doing any good? My ex wanted us to do 6 sessions. After 3 or so it was clear to me this wasn't going anywhere really productive and I focussed on my own therapy. Hugs, Pete
Great question, PeteNJ. My wife was adamant last night that the de-coupling sessions are NOT doing her any good and that she felt we should discontinue them. We will take last evening's conversation back into our therapy session and deconstruct it to look for what was behind everything that was said. Our pattern has been to hold a conversation of some depth on our own....and then use the therapy session to break it apart and look at what's motivating each of our thinking frames. One more question for all of you. When doing individual therapy...gay therapist, or straight therapist? I know enough about both of my choices that I can end up with either.
Why is identity congruence so important? I'm surprised a woman would even say that aloud. As one, I think and feel any part of human identity is essential to happiness. Therefore, denying yourself even the smallest detail can bring insurmountable agony. I think the most basic and effective way to communicate the implications of homosexuality to someone who doesn't understand is to simply explain that you're unhappy. Followed by the conviction that your own wellness and sense of self worth matters. She is asking you to sacrifice a part of yourself, even longer than you already have, for the betterment of a potential relationship. Perhaps you should ask her why it's worth preserving? I was repressed for several years, and in a heterosexual relationship that produced a child. The subject matter is complex and painful. Now my goal is to live an honest life while maintaining some shred of dignity. We haven't even begun to disassemble our living situation yet, and he is in denial.
My husband, just moments ago, told me that he cannot wait to see the "butterfly" that I become once we split. To see and know the person that I have repressed all these years. When he & I were dating, he wanted to do something (can't for the life of me remember what it was) and I asked, "Can we?" His response was, "We're grown-ups, we can do whatever we want!" I think that was what I fell in love with, unfortunately, I married him based on that, then turned over that power to him. The moral to this story is that in this conversation just moments ago, he reminded me of when he said that to me 22 years ago, and told me that it's finally time. That I should finally do what I want. Ormanout, it's your turn. In a marriage of irreconcilable differences, your separation appears to be an irreconcilable difference. You want it, she obviously doesn't. But we all know as resistant as she is to it, she'll be better off. As will you.
Why is it so important? Ask her how she would feel if she had to wake up every morning and pretend to be a lesbian and have sex with women. That should do the trick.
Yes (brilliant actually!). But. Does it really matter to us what it takes for his wife to find her road? That's her work, her job in life. This forum is for us, those of us on our journey to self expression, freedom, and being the men and women we were always destined to be. 2 things I've learned this year. No one can do my work for me. And I can't do it alone, without the love support and more than occasional kick in the butt from all of you and those IRL around me.
Ain't that the truth?! Pete, you are possibly more right than even you know! Geez, I love this place!!!
