Regretting all the lost time

Regret is certainly a normal thing to feel under the circumstances. The thing is, though, we have no way of knowing what "might" have happened, and because it never actually DID, we idealize it and imagine all the good things that passed us by. But life is a series of both good AND bad events, so your decision just set you on a different path. I look back on my past and my years in the closet and I know that I might have been a lot happier had I come out in my teens or twenties, but knowing the person I was at the time, I would have been prone to making many of the same mistakes and falling into the same traps, whether or not I came out. Yeah, there are many things I might have done as a young gay guy that I won't be able to do now, but I hate to think how I would have responded to prejudice or criticism back then. I was also ridiculously naive and could have risked my health or safety as a result.

The important thing is, now you're ready for it and now you can be yourself. You are more mature and more sure of yourself, and more able to weather whatever storms come as a result of the decision to come out. Rather than wishing your time had been 30 years ago, enjoy the fact that late or not, it's here. Sounds like you are very much on the right track!

 

Hi Abouttime, and welcome to EC!

I could not have said it better than Choirboy. The past no longer exists, regret at this point is just a drain on the emotional energy you will need for better things, like building the confidence to get out there and be yourself!

It seems like you're on the right track, good for you for taking this important step! Keep us posted on your progress, we're here to help as best we can!

 

Abouttime,

We all have regrets, and I know first hand how you feel about the "what ifs". Sometimes I feel like I've really backed myself into a corner with no way out, so who knows what the future will bring?

Hopefully for you (and since you've not married or have others relying on you), the future will be more in your control, and now that you've made the steps necessary to allow yourself to be true to yourself, it's a bright future as well!

Good luck and keep us posted...

 

If you've been lurking a while, you probably know what I'll be saying next.

If you wake up outside Disneyland with an all-day pass in your hand at 3pm, you can sit there and bemoan the fact that you missed out on all the fun from the first several hours. Or you can get your ass through the gates and go have a good time. I highly suggest doing the latter.

Lex

 

Hi Abouttime
Nothing to add to what the others have said other than you are not alone and I hope you use EC as a means of moving forward.

 

Welcome, Abouttime. It is good to meet a fellow traveller along this journey. Thanks for joining us.

 

Abouttime, welcome to EC!

My goodness your first post has so many similarities with my first post. I am glad you are here. Just start talking it out. Take the time you need, as much as that is, but start going out. You've cloistered yourself off for a long time, its true, but you can overcome that. You may be surprised just how quickly. So, don't be a stranger, we are here to listen, to laugh, to cry, to commiserate, and hopefully for your own story, to celebrate when this all seems like distant history.

 

I understand your emotions... I am having a lot of these moments in my life right now, as I a just admitting at age 51 that I gay. I too ate my way through the pain. You are taking positive steps and the days are going to get better. This site is full of genuine caring people... Draw strength from them. They're willing to share it.

 

I cannot even imagine how awful that must feel to hide that for your whole life. It was already absolutely terrible for me to hide that in my teenage years...I had no one to talk to nor any information about lgbt people at the time....it was a dark stage but you are so strong to have endured that so long. I mean really. I can't imagine how awful that must have felt. On the flip side, you must feel great though to get that off your chest, right? I hope that you find every thing you want in life and do all the things you wished you could do back in the days when you were in the closet.

aw I just want to give you a big hug for support!

 

Hey, it's Abouttime!!! :eusa_doh: I know, not very punny, but I just couldn't seem to help myself, sorry.

What I really meant to say is, Welcome to EC! It's so great that you've reached out and shared your story with us, you are now an official member of the phenomenal community here. We're so glad to have you. (&&&)

Reading Lex's post brought two things to mind. First, how much I always preferred Disney after dark - fireworks, lazer light shows, the magic just increases exponentially. And then the thought of a theme park reminded me of what I shared with my adult niece this weekend, when she expressed concern for me. You may very well be experiencing a fair share of this yourself: Life feels like a roller coaster right now, highs and lows, twists and turns, but at least it's taking me in the right direction.

So just remind yourself of that, whenever you hit a low, or an unexpected twist, you're finally heading in the right direction. Better late than never, right?

 

Hi Abouttime, welcome to EC

I know exactly what you mean about lost time and part regrets, for me I feel as though I have lost 35 years, none of us know what might have been.

I can tell you however that you have just stepped through the door of a time machine and once you become more at ease with yourself you will feel like a teenager again, but without the spots. How many older guys can get that feeling back?

Sale Gay Guy

 

Abouttime,

Welcome to EC! I Came Out to myself and my wife when I was 43. And regret was a powerful emotion that at first crippled me. But my wife helped me change my mindset and let go of the regret of missed time.

As Choirboy and many others have said, we really do not have any idea of knowing what "might have happened" had we figured this all out decades ago. I have no idea of what might have happened, but I know what did happen and would not have happened had I Come Out as a teen or in my early to mid 20's. I would not have married my wife. Which means I would not have ever met her co-worker Ray. Which means I would have not gone to the Family Doctor I started seeing at 25 at his recommendation. Which means that when I was diagnosed with an incurable cancer at 27 that Family Doctor would not have been able to get me into an experimental vaccine therapy trial at Stanford University Cancer Clinic. And that experimental vaccine therapy is the only reason I lived to be 43 so I could Come Out when I was finally ready to do so. So maybe I would have had way better sex and a happier life Coming Out decades ago. But it would have been a very short life. So, after much reflection, I am sort of glad I waited until I was 43 after all.

Now you may not have had such a dramatic thing happen to you (and actually I hope you haven't). But I am sure you can think of things in your life you are very grateful for that only happened because of the path you ended up on that led to you Coming Out at 47. So let go of the regret and start celebrating and living today as the gay man you now recognize yourself to be. Tomorrow has never looked brighter for any of us here at EC.

 

You will do much better now, I spent a life having sex with mostly straight guys who enjoyed sex with men but ''no strings attached'' because I could not figure out how to bring a full time lover into my life with a high profile job and family, it was easier to hide my life and perform a public life for everyone to be happy. It is very hard when your older to take the first step, age doesn't make the life of a single gay man easy, good luck to you in your search for a life and happiness, I hope you live in an area that makes it easy for you.

 

Welcome- here's the thing about EC- you can find someone with the same issues/experiences.

I used food for comfort - had friends but was lonely - figured I would be alone forever. That was five years ago. I will say, my life has never been better since I started to love, understand and accept myself.

 

Well, you might have lost a lot of time, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

The choices you make in regards to your life today are what make you an admirable and amazing person.

I for one, think that you opening this issue up, after so many years, is amazing.

And in my personal life, I believe more strongly everyday, that someone that is older and lived their life in a similar way such as you saved my life, as he essentially gave me hope when I was living with an abusive parent, and offered his support (emotional/financially) to me, as a parent figure.

I am alive today because of that person ---- and I don't care who says his life isn't important, it is.

And so is yours. So yes, you lost time, but the time you have left is what matters, and you can do so, so, so so much with it. And importantly, be proud of yourself! What you're doing right now is something that a lot of people don't have the courage to do.

I'm very proud of you.