Closure w/homophobic dying parent

I am at a loss. My mother had told me many times before we stopped speaking all together that if she were ever hospitalized or dying she did not want to see me. So when I was told on Sunday that she was dying I have had such diverse range of emotions. The little girl she used to beat & blame for everything is still terrified of her. The teen she punished for being a lesbian is angry. The adult me wants to say good-bye & pray for her & wish her some peace. I know she has never known peace in her lifetime. She has suffered from mental illness her whole life. She has cirrosis of the liver caused by 40+ years of hard drinking.
This morning I emailed a Rabbi so I can prepare myself if by chance I am needed. If I am not, If I am excluded from the closure I have been told I need then I need a place to grieve and find peace for myself.

 

gw- Sorry about the run on sentence it made what I was trying to say a bit confused. Another family member said I needed closure. I have not spoken to the Rabbi yet I know I will need a place to grieve and be around people because my mother never allowed me to grieve/cry. If I don't cry and expierience all the emotions she will still have power over me even in death. She told me I was in capable of love.
I also need to make peace w/God. Its not even about faith. Its about not being angry anymore about the past.
.

 

(*hug*)

 

biggayguy-Thank you. (*hug*)

 

I know. She is still in control as far as me seeing her before she passes. Its her choice.
I don't know what her wishes are re-me attending her funeral.
I may arrange a small service for her when she dies if I am not included in whatever she has planned.

 

Thank you friends!(&&&)
I hopefully will have a time frame for decision making after I speak with another family member. I was not told the exact test results. Just "Your mother is dying". At her age though I don't think it will be longer than a few months. Will keep you all posted. Thank you for your support, advice & kind words. (&&&) Rose

 

Oh Sweet Rose. My mother issues don't come close to what you've got going on, and believe me, I've got a mother-load. And because of that, when I first read your post, my immediate reaction was to think, "If she doesn't want to see me, fine. I'll just wait and go dance on her grave." Then my conscience kicked in and I knew that was a boatload of bravado.

Once I got over my own deep-seeded knee-jerk reaction, I worked backward. Why would I ever advise someone with emotional scars to subject themselves to more abuse? She doesn't want to see you? Fine. You don't need to dance on her grave, then just crash her funeral instead. Like Palimpsest said, grieving - and funerals by connection - are for the living, so in the case of her funeral, it's not so much about her wishes, but your needs.

Then, before writing out my response, I started to re-read your OP and my whole perspective shifted. It was what I left of your OP in the quote above that did it for me.

You'll get nothing from dancing on her grave, and chances are good that if you were to crash her funeral, you'd just feel like you didn't really belong. You have so many unresolved issues with her and they impact you to this day. That little girl in you should be able to relax without fear, knowing that the grown woman she has become is a conqueror in her own right. That angry teen should be able to move past her anger to a place of understanding, if not acceptance. The adult, the wonderful you that has emerged from the ashes of your youth deserves to get everything she needs.

The only way for you to get that is to see her. Will she try to lash out at you, will she try to hurt you? You'll never know until you go, but at least you know enough to prepare for it. She won't catch you unaware now. Are you prepared to deal with it if her old habits and hurtful behaviors resurface? Just by the words in the quote above, I do believe you are. You know and understand her weaknesses, her illness - both mental and self-inflicted. (although with mental illness in my own family, I understand a bit about the use of alcohol to self-medicate, so her addiction is probably not unrelated to her mental illness) and better yet, enough about yourself.

How much will you benefit from facing down one of your biggest demons? The confidence, the acceptance, the love and forgiveness you will need to muster to even approach this situation, no matter how it turns out with her, should give you all the comfort you need to accept and move beyond. To give that little girl some security from her fears and to give that teen some peace. And once those two have settled, who knows what magic may work on the wonderful woman they have become?

Good luck dear friend. Keep us posted!

 

Dragonbait. (*hug*)
1st :Re- emotional pain due to parental issues-No ones is worse or less. It just is.
2nd Gee- how did you know my mother used to say when she died I should dance on her grave? She even had classical music march picked out! I could not do it -less about disrespect more a rebel thing; a F.U.! I'm not going to let you control me after your gone.
What I have decided is if she is hospitalized/hospice I will go. I will not go alone. I will also ask a nurse to be present. That will be enough audience for her not to pull any mind games or extreme drama.
I will tell her a bit about her grandson & will most likely leave a framed picture of him. I will tell her I am out as a lesbian and hope to work with gay teens. I will say a prayer and a good-bye. When she dies I will attend the funeral and at its end walk away w/o guilt. Or looking back.

---------- Post added 15th Nov 2013 at 06:44 AM ----------

Thanks Biotech(*hug*) Are there any updates on your Dad?