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Was it all for ego?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by greatwhale, Nov 14, 2013.

  1. greatwhale

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    Greetings folks,

    Time to expose myself, yet again :icon_redf

    I was recently asked what it was like for a gay guy to have sex with women.

    A member here at EC who hasn't posted in a while, runawaybff, gave the following answer: "just like with guys only squishier and more high-pitched" :dry:

    The question lingered; how could I have sex with a woman as a gay person?

    Then it dawned on me: ego! This nasty character, this ego is quite something!

    Sex with the few women that I did sleep with was always about control (the ego's favourite pastime), always about me being "the perfect lover", making sure she climaxed and making sure I didn't just roll over afterwards (always the obligatory post-coital cuddle to demonstrate my "caring" bona fides). It was almost always about controlling my feelings and having her pleasure as my objective, rather than just enjoying her, rather than just being with her because it was her...it was all a performance and I was the Lawrence Olivier of the boudoir.

    Each exclamatory YES! Each and every pleasure-moan was like a medal and badge of honour to me, it was all conquest...it certainly was not about making love.

    Contrary to runawaybff's remark above...for me, it's not the same with a man...
     
    #1 greatwhale, Nov 14, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2013
  2. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Great post gw! Still working on a response...
     
  3. Dragonbait

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    OMG! Reading your post, Greatwhale, I'm wondering if my STBX is actually gay. :lol:

    When we did have sex (mind you, it's a distant memory) I always felt like while I was thinking, "Oh just get it over with already!" he was making it his mission to get me to that big "O". It was awful! And then! The cuddling after. Geez! All I wanted to do was run away and he wanted to turn me into a teddy bear.

    I knew every single moment that it was all about his ego, but I had no interest in stroking that as well!
     
    #3 Dragonbait, Nov 14, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2013
  4. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    :roflmao: !!!!
    I was thinking that about my ex too!! And of course he prided himself on endurance! I was bored senseless!! My mind always wandered on random topics!
     
  5. greatwhale

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    :roflmao: Brilliant as usual DB!

    I think this is what it was like with my STBX the last few times we did it (few and far between). By then, she couldn't even pretend to be enjoying it (*ego shattered*). I do remember her saying quite a few times (when times were better) that I didn't have to be so controlling or so in charge. Little did she know that I had some serious "performance anxieties" (I love that euphemism), never knowing if Mr. Happy would oblige (he almost always did...that particular member has a mind of its own). Better to be in control in order to seize the moment, as it were, because there was no guarantee that it would last...ugh! :dry:
     
  6. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    And lets not forget the "stop n start" ummm technique which actually reversed any minimal stimulation achieved. I'd say "don't stop" and he would say he did not want to finish yet! WTF!
    Quick & then sleepy rollover would have been great! He was not a kisser or top half of body much guy either. Did I mention endless mindless boredom?
    Thanks for this thread gw!!
     
  7. Choirboy

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    Hah, I definitely began to wonder if perhaps my eventual ex was a closet lesbian, because she although she would seem very into it during the act, it took a whole lot to get her into the mood to do anything whatsoever, and she would be good for a couple nights in a row and then back off for weeks on end. It always seemed to me like the payoff never matched all the work it took to initiate it. Sort of like getting the car waxed and detailed, full gas tank and oil changed, to drive it next door and back. In fact I remember once making a New Years resolution to be more physically affectionate, and I spent SIX FULL WEEKS trying to get something going at night, in the morning, whenever, only to have her perpetually sick, tired, headachey, this hurt, that hurt, etc. I finally gave up, and within a week we had an argument about something and she ended up complaining that we never had sex anymore. HELLO????

    I can also remember early on in our relationship being MUCH more interested in trying anything new and unusual than she EVER was, and also wanting to do it pretty much anywhere, any time, and being met with a general lack of enthusiasm. Ummm....You don't feel comfortable doing it in a hotel room? On our honeymoon?? It wasn't even ego, or me trying to prove I was straight or anything, it was just general horniness, and she would respond up to a point and then stop.

    Our daughter even mused one time to me "Do you suppose Mom might be a lesbian? She sure hates men an awful lot". I almost did a Dragonbait spit-take on that one.
     
  8. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Ok early on I- ME the LESBIAN all but begged for sex because I thought there was something wrong with me that my husband did not want me. Since he never said "I love you" sex = love?
    Men are supposed to want sex 24/7 right?
    And guys How many strait men withhold sex as a punishment when they are mad at thier wives?
     
  9. ClosetedFather

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    I wonder if this is why so many married men are passive. So used to pleasing and too many years being the active partner.
     
  10. wanderinggirl

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    Greatwhale, thanks for the post! I think there's a huge difference between external motivation and internal motivation to have sex. I have a hard time separating out in my memory the times when sex was externally motivated (solely for the purpose of pleasing others) and when it was internally motivated, as the two are hard to distinguish sometimes.

    I think that sometimes if the motivation is mostly internal, and all the actions arise organically and take over, which makes that person appear more selfish unless they check themselves. On the other hand, when I'm with someone I'm not really attracted to I often find myself wanting to be pleased but not caring enough about them to please them.

    It's hard to know when I actually liked a person I was sleeping with, when they just happened to be around when I was horny, or when i wanted to control them for one reason or another. These are such gray areas it's hard to separate out what's real and what's in my head, and my memory is often foggy and these distinctions get blurred.
     
  11. DesertTortoise

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    Wow. Does this one open up a lota squirmy memories... I mean, I have male organism stuff.. so if you can, if I can, get to the point of orgasm, it erases a lotta stuff that might have raised doubts in the process. I came. It must have been good.
    Whew... but why could I never keep up my interest? How was it possible that couples stayed together--and having sex! for 20, 30 50 years?!? What was wrong with me?
    I thought maybe I needed, you know, that soul mate thing.. that if I found the right woman, it would be ok, it would last beyond the first months or years.
    I tried. I worked at it. I found women I really loved as friends and thought I should be lovers with. Funny thing... how I seemed to pick women who I kinda knew wouldn't want to follow through?
    I am SO happy to be out of that. I'm no young adonis.. and even if I don't find too many oportunities for sex, just open giving male affection is so much a relief, so much what I need that I got no complaints. And to my surprise.. there are guys out there who have a real fetish for older men. So.. ahem... I'm not without outlets for relief!
    I think, if you're open, and living in a place where you have accesss to a whole range of Queer oportunities, it's way way way better being Queer and old, than straight and old.
     
  12. Tightrope

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    Addressing the OP, I've had a completely different experience, and maybe because I've never tied the knot. I didn't even process it this way. It was all about physical pleasure. I'll admit that I was concerned about getting off, and figured that, through foreplay and intercourse, they (meaning female sexual partners) would too. The problem was "We really need to talk about this" or something along the lines of discussing its meaning. Well, for me, sometimes there wasn't or isn't any. The head trip that sex had to mean something profound is not what a guy in his 20s wants to hear most of the time. If there's 1 to 2 hours of sex 3, 4, or 5 times a week, there are still a lot of hours I'd have to contend with you ... and I'm not so sure ...

    Without being too graphic, squishy is a good word. Also, I don't think any of the cavities or orifices are great to look at. They just aren't. They're about friction, and the sense of touch more so than the sense of sight. When a person is inserting, they're typically not looking. Their face is quite a ways above the action, and you just maneuver until "x marks the spot." Maybe that's a good thing.
     
  13. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    I've been thinking about sex,of course
    Could STBAHX also be gay or bi?
    At 27 said he was a virgin (Shy introvert)
    Could go weeks w/o sex.
    Went to school in LA...serious weight lifter...said he worked out daily in Hollywood gym for hours
    Would not do "it" with out both of us having showered 1st & see gw's comments on control. Never wanted a "quickie". Turned down bj's as a newlywed cause he was too tired.
    Took forever to finish "old fashioned" way. But if even near another orifice would be less than a minute.
    Refused to get a prostate exam because it was an "exit only" area
    Was terrified of telling his parents I was gay.
     
  14. HopeFloats

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    Rose - sounds like a real possibility.
    I have thought a lot about this because I actually enjoy having sex with my girlfriend. Having sex with men was such a chore for the most part. Why and how did I do it for so long? I picked men who had low sex drives. The guy that I almost married was a virgin at 24. His lack of experience was a big reason I didn't share my bisexual past with him. My exhusband also had a low sex drive - but I think that was caused by antidepressants. Either way, it was fine with me. When I did have sex with men, i think it was driven by the sense that this was what I was supposed to do. I thought there was something wrong with me that I didn't enjoy it more.