breath

She is my exception to the rule. She is also someone I work with who I truly respect and admire. I have been silently dealing with this earth-shattering, potentially life-altering feelings for a few months now - which feels like ages. She is most likely in a relationship, and so am I - married with an adorable child. My m.o. has been to avoid her as much as possible, which has been quite awkward for both of us.

From the get-go, she's been nothing but supportive, kind, and professional, despite my avoidance. I do believe she sees me struggling and feels empathetic towards my situation. It is only now, after a week of unavoidable, mandatory meetings, of seating in the same room talking business for hours on end, that I have been able to act pseudo-normal.

I do believe she appreciates my efforts in trying to act like a thinking human around her. It is hard. Very hard. She smiles, gives me the well-known smirk and wink in a very non-chalant manner, asks me about my child and laughs wholeheartedly about his crazy-toddler behavior, belts out That's what friends are for as she walks down the hallway and sees me stressed out going through files, wraps leftover homemade cookies to take home for my little guy... She reaches out to touch my arm or my back - as she does with the rest of the planet, and I melt into a puddle. I have taken all of these gestures as nothing special, as they come from someone who spends her summers building homes for the less fortunate.

Now, this is the unsettling part...something has shifted after those meetings, now she is the one who seems to be acting off center. I did notice some wonderful energy sent in my direction, very strongly. I cannot put it into words, but it was as she was feeling some attraction, at some level...But then again I might be just projecting...

An interesting fact is that her assistant, who is a wonderful person by the way, kept checking on my reactions every single time I was addressing her boss or she was addressing me at these meetings. She seemed to be very protective of her- I know that they are good friends. What is even more interesting, while discussing clients, and during my crush's absence, she said ...and this family have two moms!- as she looked at me square in the face waiting for a reaction. I just said something in the line of - oh really? Cool!

I understand that I need to resolve my current situation before pursuing any type of relationship with anyone. My top priority is my kiddo- he loves his daddy to pieces and have the most amazing dad-child connection. I cannot bring myself to fracture his world. I feel that it is my responsibility to make the marriage work - the problem is that there is no love except the one I would have for someone who is family and who has been a partner in life for the past decade. Nothing else, nothing more.

I am scared senseless...and I need to BREATH

 

Thanks so much d.t, a.e, h.f. and freddy for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. Funny how the mind works...after weeks of behaving like a crazy oddball around her I have finally started to reclaim my common sense and started to act like my chirpy self again. Well...I think that has totally thrown her off balance in terms of what to expect from me. Now I am the one stopping in the hallways to strike up a casual convo- like any other employee. I am the one smiling, making eye contact and laughing in her presence. She seemed nicely surprised by this change of dynamics - until a few days ago. Like today, she acted artic-cold distant - so not her!_- seemed annoyed, in a hurry, detached to the max- not her again. Maybe that is her way to say STOP lady...do not get to carried away here. Bummer. She even mentioned how pretty and blond someone I am about to meet is...in a very non-chalant manner. She is now, the one acting stiff, distant and detached. Just when I made up my mind about starting to be my normal self around her. This is hilarious...I am just trying to do my job without any distractions...and wham! I see her and the world around us fades out...so 80's. I am just in awe at the person she is...even when she politely disses me. The sad part is that we will not ever be having a conversation about this. I will eventually get over her...hopefully, but I will always wonder about her version of the story. I guess some things are best left unknown. I am just yearning for a feedback -even if it reduces me to dust -temporarily.- hah!

 

Thanks dragonbait and quest2 for your words...I do believe things will get better. I am a true believer in karma. I have nothing but goodness in my heart for this woman...even though my unexpected attraction towards her made me act like a total loony- avoiding her to the point of rudeness. Funny how words have a way to reach the intended person in the most unconspicuous way...She wrote a two sentence feedback on a project I presented to her - a very succint, positive, very professional review. I wrote back thanking her for her patience, her flexibility and support - words that can be easily transferrable to how I feel towards her when handling my teen-angst behavior. She is just so kind and gracious, it is ridiculous! I used to be so self-concious about her knowing how I feel about her...now I smile my brightest smile and think *love is simple, love is kind and the love I feel for her will harm no one* I will get over her. I am certain. But my marriage won't survive it.-