How did your wife react?

Sorry to say, but there are so many variables that it is incredibly hard to predict the outcome.

Does she suspect? Is she the kind to take bad news well? How has she been behaving so far? Who does she listen to these days? Her mother? Father? best friend? Even knowing the answer to all these questions, there is no predicting what she will do.

Do you need to tell her, or are you already in the process of divorce? If you are divorcing, you may want to wait until the divorce is final before saying anything...

 

answered the poll from someone's story !

 

I was not sure what to expect from my wife and geared up for the worst, but so far things have not been bad. She claims she suspected it for years but I'm not sure that's really true. It's hard to tell with her because she is constantly retconning history and saying she "always" said or thought something, when in fact there was never any indication that it was true. She has made many nasty comments in the heat of battle over the years to the effect that she questioned my "manhood" but my take was always that they were just for the reaction, because I definitely DID react.

We are as "cordial" as we've been for years. I still give her the duty peck on the cheek when I leave the house (which she has not reciprocated for years) and we still sleep in the same bed. She still calls me at work 5-6 times a day to tell me whatever thought pops into her head, and she still tries to play the "damsel in distress" card to get me to do things, which is a habit I am slowly breaking her of. She now sends out her own emails for a couple of groups she is in charge of (it used to be she "couldn't figure how to send a group email" so I did it), and I made it clear that I did NOT intend to be her right arm in a yearly fundraiser that she normally dragged me into. I have stepped back from several other other areas where I used to swoop in and rescue her as well, so at some point I will feel OK about turning her loose into the world. I am betting that the more she has to handle without help, the faster she will look for a replacement for me, and the less uncomfortable I will feel about turning her loose to fend for herself.

She has told me many times that she feels awkward, betrayed, lied to etc. but in the end, she still relies on me too much to ask me to leave. I expected to feel much more guilty about telling her than I actually did, especially when she started commenting about how she "always" suspected. I thought, if you suspected for 10-15 years and never really talked to me about it, just used it as a stick to beat me with when you were pissed at me, then you have no business being shocked, and I have no reason to feel that I deceived you.

As with everything in life - you are probably best off hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, and reality will fall somewhere in between.

 

I can't vote, because I do not belong in this demographic. However, the prevalence of "she already suspected" in the poll responses is not in the least bit surprising. If you don't have any overtly stereotypical traits, but ones such as over a certain age, neat, can pick out your own clothes, and don't watch Monday Night Football, many suitable women say "Thanks, but no thanks" after a few dates. What then becomes interesting is why certain women bolt and why others hang on for the ride. I've often wondered about that.

 

Because, like the viral video pointed out, a gay man is a dream husband. You pointed it out as well - they pick out their own clothes (and will help their wife pick out her's), will go to Broadway Musicals and don't watch football. What more could any woman want? :rolle:

 

It would be interesting to figure out at what point that whole shift started occurring in my marriage. I was initially praised up and down for being "different from the other guys", which based on her history meant that I was not an abusive alcoholic who was parked on the couch watching sports all weekend, I could hold down a job, and I did not pressure her for sex when she clearly was not in the mood (although if she was, I was right there), and I defended her to her mother. Eventually I stopped initiating sex as much, because I was far more likely to get shot down than have anything happen, and she was so cranky and so nasty so often that I really lost interest in her as a person. She did have a lot of trouble with the notion that a) I would not make a habit of begging her until she caved in and did it, because I had some degree of pride, and b) I eventually lost interest emotionally because she was cranky and irritable more often than she was pleasant or affectionate, so why bother? Somehow in retrospect after I told her, she became Miss Marple and had seen all the clues, and she was just waiting for my confession. Which I felt was largely crap.

What I think MAY be the case is that a lot of straight women are so accustomed to the stereotypical guy that they eventually get uncomfortable with someone who doesn't fit the mold, even though they claim to want a "different" guy. I had every intention of staying in the closet till they shoveled the dirt over it, because I couldn't envision myself living life as a gay man, and really believed I wanted a nice suburban straight life with everything my parents had (hah, like THEY were happy...). And had she been able to accept me as "different" and given me respect and kindness and appreciated the WAYS that I was different, I very much doubt that I would have felt the need to start coming out. But the constant comments about my supposed inability to do handyman stuff (based mainly on fear of heights, and not wanting to spend hours on something that would end up looking like crap anyhow), no interest in sports (which became a standing joke to people), and the fact that I wasn't some kind of sex machine that wanted her 3 times a day regardless of how unpleasant her behavior was, all added up to "I knew you were gay all along". Bullshit.

 

Classic. If you watch TV shows, read articles, or engage in basic coffee house conversation, they all say they want a "sensitive" guy, or one who is cultured and tuned in to a lot of things, including how they feel. The REAL story is that's not what they want at all, in most cases. However, some women do take to the "different guy," whether straight, gay, or anything in between, but they are the exception rather than the rule.

 

To the OP... I was hoping for a Choirboy scenario, but I got the boot instead. It's been very traumatic for both of us since I told her about a month ago. I did consider letting the rift between us grow until the marriage fell apart - without coming out - but that seemed cowardly and manipulative at the very time I'm trying be honest and authentic.

There's no way to know for sure what her reaction will be, so you have to be ready to accept any outcome. I was prepared to deal with it if she outed me to the world (didn't happen), kicked me out of the house (did happen) or tried to keep me from the kids (would have fought that one, but it didn't happen).

My wife says she was totally surprised and had never suspected. I tend to think she had to suspect but figured I was so deep in the closet I'd never come out. I still have hope we can rebuild a friendship when the anger subsides. It's been hell so far, but I believe I had to do it and would do it all over again.

 

I was actually concerned that I would be thrown out, and prepared for the worst. And then I thought, at least in my situation, I'm earning most the money and paying all the bills, so if it came to that, I would absolutely refuse to budge. Fortunately it didn't come to that, and I suspect she realized what would happen.

That being said, I know she could have made my life a living hell if she had wanted to force me to leave, regardless of the money, so I'm thankful that it didn't come to that. Do you have any leverage at all, so you could tell her and still stay for the time being? I can only say that in my personal situation, I actually DID plan on just filing for divorce first and just saying I was unhappy, but I felt in my heart that we would have a better chance of retaining some degree of friendship if I told her the truth. And that was really based, more than anything else, on knowing her and knowing the relationship we have (even as messed up as it often is). So far so good, although I can't say what will happen in the long term. Everyone's experience is different.

Whatever you decide, just make sure you do what you think is best in your situation, and who you're dealing with. Keep us posted!

 

Welcome to EC Gay Ric. I have not been to engaged on here in recent days so I'm trying to catch up. You can go back and read my original story if you like. I will not bore you here with it all. I understand the crossroads your at. I've been there. You can literally think about this till you want to beat your head on the wall. But as the others have said there is just no way to know how she will react until you here the words come out of your mouth.
I've actually told my wife twice. The first being several years ago and more recently a month ago. I swore before the second time that I would not go out this way. I would let the marriage fizzle it's way out or simply explain I'm unhappy. So...tho I can relate to your thinking I wish you the best of luck. That, unfortunately didn't work out for me the 2nd time around. Most likely she will cling to a glimmer of hope when you say the words "unhappy" Possibly looking for a way for you to reconnect such as counseling, marriage retreats, etc... But you know her better then I and she not ask for any of those. I think I first came here hoping that someone would give me the answer as what to do. The truth is only you can know the answer. I/we can only offer you our experiences and our utmost support.
P.S. I will agree with your thinking on it being too close to the holidays. There will NEVER be the "right" time but not thanksgiving to christmas.

 

Hi Gay Ric

I came out to my wife back 8 months ago in March 2013. At the time she was surprised but very supportive, and in spite of me thinking she knew she had no idea. I since then I have been taking things slowly chatting to guys on the internet and also trying out some of the phone apps but finding them too focused on immediate sex rather than friendship with a bit of sex thrown in.

In recent weeks she told me off for not going into a gay bar so I think it’s now time for me to start going to the local LGBT centre to attend meetings for married gay guys, ice breaker sessions, and out later groups. I registered with a gay men’s health screening program and are now up to date with my Hepatitis jabs so I’m good to go.

When I came out I detailed what happened in my blog, so I have included a link to it to save retyping great chunks http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6730-blog-entry-2-coming-out-my-wife.html

A few weeks after coming out I wrote an update blog http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...e-first-10-days-after-coming-out-my-wife.html

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